“Eight Reasons to Elect me SBC President” by the Unappreciated Pastor

by Unappreciated Pastor on March 12, 2014 · 36 comments

As some of you may know, I was nominated as president of the SBC recently by one of my followers on Twitter. To my surprise, a second quickly followed. I take this opportunity to publicly state that I accept the nomination. I look forward to a lively debate with the other nominees. Please allow me to outline some of the reasons I should be president of the SBC.

An anon twitter personality has never been elected president of the SBC. I know this may come as a surprise to you, but it is true. Fifty-nine times we have elected a president. The SBC has existed for almost 170 years and not once have we elected an anonymous twitter account as president. I think it is time that those of us without a face or name have a voice. Electing me as your president would be a historical moment, crashing the glass ceiling that has kept anonymous Twitter accounts away from the presidency for over 150 years.

I would have dunking booths at the annual meetings. Let’s face it, there are polarizing figures in the SBC. I would have these figures inside the dunking booths. Messengers could take their turn at dunking those who represent movements in the SBC they believe to be detrimental. This would also serve as an opportunity to immerse those within the convention who hold to sprinkling as a mode for baptism. Finally, it would help to relieve stress caused by things like reading the comment sections of blogs.

I would discourage boycotts. Let’s face it; they don’t seem to be working. I have a plan to show how much I support discouraging boycotts. Whenever someone is elected President of the SBC confetti will fall, balloons will descend, and with a camera in his face the new president will declare “I’m going to Disney World!” I believe that would make a statement to a watching world of how serious we are at boycotting boycotts.

I would retire certain slogans that churches put on their signs. I am aware that some of our churches hold in high esteem certain catchy phrases that continue to appear on SBC church signs across America. Retiring these slogans will show them that while we hold the pithy statements in esteem, it is time for others to take their place. Never again would we have to see phrases such as:

“Ch_ _ch, Guess What’s Missing? U R?”

“We’re Not Dairy Queen, but our Sunday’s are Great!”

“You Think it’s Hot Here?”

At the annual convention there will be a scheduled time in which we play soft music while showing deceased church sign slogans on a screen. At the end of the presentation we will have a short prayer. An “In Memoriam” page containing the slogans will be in your book of reports. This I promise as your new president.

New churches would have to have their name approved by a committee. I am speaking specifically of church splits that result in new church starts. Such churches would be discouraged from identifying with titles like Unity, Fellowship, and New Beginnings. Alternative names would be suggested such as “Madder than Fire” or “We Were Right” Baptist church.

I would institute the policy of “Don’t ask don’t tell” on the issue of Calvinism. It seems to me we get along better when we don’t know where others stand. Calvinism is a polarizing issue in our convention. The SBC is a big tent. We also have a big closet. I think lots of folks could fit in that closet.

I would develop a draft system between struggling churches and our seminaries. The 32 weakest churches would have first pick from our graduates. This should help increase baptisms as well as financial giving.

We would make the floor time at the Convention more interesting. If we are being honest, many of us come to the convention simply for the questions and comments that come from the floor. We need more time for this. I would double the amount of time presently allocated. As well, the well-known characters would have theme music playing as they walked to the mic. The music would be tailored to the stereotype we have of that individual. For instance, Al Mohler would enter to the Jeopardy theme song. It wouldn’t be a bad idea to have Michael Buffer on standby either. If the individual surpassed the allocated time given the following steps would be taken:

First, the speaker is warned by the moderator.

Second, background music would be played (like at the Oscars).

Third, the fire alarm would be pulled.

These are just a few of the ideas I have as President of the SBC. If time permits, I may outline a few more. With your help I hope to be the first of my kind to hold this office. I hope I can count on you.

1 Doug Hibbard March 12, 2014 at 3:02 pm

I will nominate you through the Virtual Meeting Process during the SBC. Look for my tweet during the appropriate time on the schedule.

2 Dave Miller March 12, 2014 at 4:45 pm

I wonder if we can get 1000 retweets if that will be sufficient?

3 Doug Hibbard March 12, 2014 at 5:38 pm

Probably won’t be recognized from the floor, but we’ll embed the appropriate hashtag so it shows up.

4 Dave Miller March 12, 2014 at 3:47 pm

I think the time to elect an anonymous twitter personality as SBC President has certainly come.

The time is NOW.

5 Tarheel March 12, 2014 at 4:02 pm

Agreed!

6 Allen Calkins March 12, 2014 at 3:57 pm

You would have my vote…if I ever went to the SBC…

7 Doug Hibbard March 12, 2014 at 4:05 pm

Allen, look for the nomination on Twitter during the convention and tweet a “second” for it.

That way it’s officially not really happening instead just informally not happening. With a nomination and a second, it’s a real motion to be ignored!

8 Dave Miller March 12, 2014 at 4:04 pm

I would love to make the nominating speech, using these eight items as the platform.

9 Tarheel March 12, 2014 at 11:13 pm

Miller, that’d be classic. You can do it wearing your suit that everyone loves so much…coming from a former convention VP your nomination speech could carry some weight.

Maybe Bart and Jared will help ya!

10 volfan007 March 12, 2014 at 4:10 pm

I’m a HUGE Rev. NoRespect fan….huge!

David :_)

11 SVMuschany March 12, 2014 at 5:23 pm

Actually I think the dunking booth sounds like a really good idea! Imagine the lines of “one side” waiting to dunk Peter Lumpkins, Tim Rogers, Bob Hadley, ect. And the “another side” lining up to dunk Tom Ascol, Albert Mohler, or Mark Dever. Make it something like $5 for 3 throws, ALL money collected is split between the Annie Armstrong and Lottie Moon offerings and goes directly to the missionaries. Sounds much more financially productive than the obligatory “offering plate” passed around during the convention. Besides, who says you can’t have fun at the annual meeting?!?

12 Tarheel March 12, 2014 at 5:30 pm

That is a great idea…I think it would be really cool to do that!

13 Doug Hibbard March 12, 2014 at 5:40 pm

And there are probably some SBC celebrities that would pony up big money to at least have a defensive plexiglass in front of them to prevent errant throws from hitting them smack in the mush.

There’s honest money to be made here, folks.

14 Jerry Corbaley March 12, 2014 at 6:07 pm

I volunteer for the dunk tank. While not a celebrity, I could serve as an opening act and warm-up. It would also be great to see the faces of the pitchers.

And punning of pictures, a video should be made of those who do the throwing. High definition, so they can be played in slow motion. A DVD of these bloopers would be made available to the messengers.

On the serious side; the institution of the pastoral draft will lead to the adoption of Agents who will represent the higher picks. We must adopt language in the constitution to keep the Agent’s autonomy intact.

15 Dale Pugh March 12, 2014 at 6:42 pm

So when the Twitter vote takes place am I limited to only one Tweet vote? That doesn’t seem fair. If I get 140 characters per Tweet, why can’t I get 140 votes per candidate? I’m writing my Executive Committee representative to get that added to the proposed Article III changes…..

16 Doug Hibbard March 12, 2014 at 8:07 pm

We’ll count the “Retweets” of the “official” twitter ballot vote. Watch SBCVoices for more info as the convention comes near…

And you can vote as many times as twitter allows you to RT :)

17 Dale Pugh March 12, 2014 at 10:19 pm

I smell a victory! But is he really electable???? LOL

18 Doug Hibbard March 12, 2014 at 10:44 pm

Just watch us try :)

19 Bob Hadley March 12, 2014 at 7:51 pm

I would institute the policy of “Don’t ask don’t tell” on the issue of Calvinism. It seems to me we get along better when we don’t know where others stand. Calvinism is a polarizing issue in our convention. The SBC is a big tent. We also have a big closet. I think lots of folks could fit in that closet.

REALLY?

20 Dave Miller March 12, 2014 at 11:00 pm

Bob, this is a light-hearted and fun post.

21 dr. james willingham March 12, 2014 at 8:54 pm

I have been waiting in the wings so long that I am no longer able to accept or serve. The best suggestion above was probably give the 32 weakest churches the first pick of seminary graduates, but what will you do about the other 23,968 that are just as weak? We don’t have enough graduates to help them. I advocate also the “Do Ask, Do Tell” on the issue of Calvinism; it makes life exciting for some of the Traditionalists. After all predestination, election, etc., are exciting, engaging, empowering, inviting inspirational precepts that were key facts in the Great Awakenings and the launching of Modern Missions. O I can hear it now, a great tidal wave of complaints. Come on, fellows, if we can get to the point where we can kid one another about our differences, we will be along way down the road of displaying that liberty of spirit for which the Baptists paid with their very lives and/or suffered various indignities to their persons. It was the latter in Virginia that brought the Traditionalists (or the believers in the idea that “Christ tasted death for every man”) and the Calvinists together. Like World War II brought so many together of various faiths and ethnic backgrounds. In Vietnam a White Marine had the experience of his Black buddy throwing himself in the way of incoming fire. He said, “I sat there and held that Black man in my arms and cried like a baby, while he died.”

Let each get up and preach his views, because we have more in common than we have in differences, if you stop and think about it. Besides, we must give every one the freedom to make up his or her mind about the issues or to change his or her mind about them. Some of our problems with doctrines has more to do with the way they are presented than with the reality presented by them. Just consider how opposites are often offered in Scripture, like the prophecy of Judgment on Nineveh, offered to empower the people of Nineveh to repent and turn to God, that is, change their minds.

We allow for differences on eschatology. I shall never forget telling my ordaining pastor, Dr. Ernest R. Campbell, a gung ho Pre-trib, Pre-mil, that I had become a Post-mil. He just shook his head and laughed a little, and our friendship continued. Brethren, I don’t even try to tell my son that he had to agree with me on every thing. So to show his appreciation, he is a post-tribulation, Pre-mil. He also does not buy my arguments for women in ministry, which puts me crossways with the folks of the CR for which I have voted for more than 50 years.

I suggest a study of the behavioral actions identified in I Cors.13 might go a long way toward inspiring Southern Baptists with a new spirit of unity and practice, one more enticing to the lost. Like the folks in the early days of the Christian movement, who said, “Look at them. See how they love one another.” No wonder, the Christian Faith won the day then, and I believe it will win the day now, even Awakening A Thousand Generations (( Chron.16:15) on earth and quadrillions of other planets in order to even get close to the numbers suggested by Rev.7:9 and other references. Now, ain’t that glorious?

22 Joe Blackmon March 13, 2014 at 8:32 am

I would develop a draft system between struggling churches and our seminaries.

I know this is a parody post, but I would so get behind this idea.

23 Jeff Johnson March 13, 2014 at 9:58 am

“I would develop a draft system between struggling churches and our seminaries. The 32 weakest churches would have first pick from our graduates.”

I wonder if churches would start “tanking” to move up in the draft order . . .

“Bob, I’m sorry but you’ll have to wait until next year to get baptized. We have to keep our numbers low if we want a shot at getting that well-coiffed Furtick look-alike from Southeastern. And while you’re at it, stop tithing so much! Do you care nothing about our future???”

24 Tarheel March 13, 2014 at 10:26 am

Bawahahahaha!

25 Dave Miller March 13, 2014 at 2:41 pm

Point to Jeff Johnson.

26 Doug Hibbard March 13, 2014 at 5:58 pm

We need that “Like” button.

27 Keith Price March 13, 2014 at 6:13 pm

Maybe we could expand this plank to help those churches in “small markets.” Some sort of income sharing so we can attract the big name talent.

28 Doug Hibbard March 13, 2014 at 6:27 pm

Maybe use an MLB-style luxury tax? “If your church is spending more than XX on salaries, you pay a penalty…”

29 Keith Price March 13, 2014 at 7:33 pm

Bet we could find some verses in Acts to justify this…

30 Tarheel March 13, 2014 at 8:41 pm

MLB ???

Hire an income redistribution specialist from Washington DC to come and advise us on how to take from the “rich” churches who don’t need it or want it and give it to the poorer small churches who need it more. Our new president can them make speeches relating to the evil big churches….

(tongue planted deeply in cheek)

31 Doug Hibbard March 14, 2014 at 11:49 am

If we used a hard-cap like the NBA or NFL, can you see this?

“Well, Dave, we appreciate what you’ve done for the church, but we’ve got to make cap room for Jared. He’s about to wrap up seminary and we think he’s a promising young preacher. All the best in free agency.”

32 Tarheel March 14, 2014 at 12:20 pm

LOL!

33 Mike Rasberry March 13, 2014 at 11:12 am

I would only vote for you if you agree to enact policy to allow me to vote with having to actually go to the convention.

34 Doug Hibbard March 13, 2014 at 12:06 pm

Rev_NoRespect’s campaign will depend on the twitter vote. Watch Twitter during the SBC for more info.

35 Tarheel March 13, 2014 at 6:09 pm

“I would retire certain slogans that churches put on their signs.”

I really, really like this plank in the platform!

Perhaps you might, in your second term, pledge a bit more and ban church signs all together…LOL (that way Ed Stetzer would have to work a little harder to come up with more material) ;-)

36 Jim Hedrick March 14, 2014 at 9:36 pm

If we revised the mother lode by laws and sanctify early voting by mail YOU might have chance to implement your pragmatic satirical reforms. You have a wonderful sense of imagination. Keep ministering grace.

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