Biblical scholar and theological genius Harold Camping has demonstrated with devastating exegetical precision that the Rapture will occur on May 21, 2011, followed by five months of judgment on earth with the end of the world occurring on October 21, 2011. You can read the tract here, but the logic is brilliant beyond disputation.
I would like to help you interpret some of this information and make some decisions to prepare for what lies ahead.
1) There seems to be no reason to keep your bank accounts or other assets. Money will mean nothing when the judgment comes. I have designated myself as committee chair for the “Preparation for Judgment 2011” committee. I recommend that you cash in all your equities, empty your bank account and sell your house. Forward all proceeds to 4330 Old Lakeport Road, Sioux City, IA 51106. I will take care of everything!
2) The fact that Alabama and Auburn won national championships the last two years should have been evidence of the growth of evil and impending doom. I tried to warn you!
3) I am convinced that all of this is the fault of George W. Bush and global warming.
4) There is a blessing in all this. I will not have to attend my daughter’s high school graduation nor send her off to college! A silver lining in a very dark cloud.
5) If, for unforeseen reasons, judgment is forestalled, you are welcome to visit me in my new multi-million dollar compound as soon as I am done decorating it.
6) SBC Tomorrow is being renamed SBC (There is no) Tomorrow. Change your browser settings.
7) Wiley Drake will be elected President of the SBC in Phoenix. He will then announce that he is praying imprecatory prayers against himself.
8.) As some of us have been warning you, the letters of our current president’s full name, transliterated to Akkadian cuneiform and then converted into numbers add up to 666.
9) I’m suspending my diet until May 22, just as a precaution.
10) Since there will be no time left for the playing of World Series, MLB’s season has been cancelled and the New York Yankees declared champions. Congratulations to the heroes in Pinstripes!