All kinds of information comes in to the various people that contribute to SBCVoices. Some of that information is good, some not, and much of it never leaves our dear heads. However, every now and then, one of us gets a hold of something SBC related that must be published without delay or evaluation. So, available here for the first time is the tentative proposed order of business for the Annual Meeting of the Southern Baptist Convention. I can’t tell you where it came from for at least the next 15 years, so I hope you understand. There’s a rumor that the Pastor’s Conference may have a similar order on the loose, but I haven’t seen it.
Tuesday June 14:
7:00 AM: Pre-Convention Caffeine and Conspiracy Meeting. If you’re invited, you’ll be contacted. Meeting location undisclosed.
8:00 AM: Inspirational Music: “When we all get to heaven” Led by: Rob Bell
8:15 AM: Call to order: President Bryant Wright
8:30 AM: Committee on Order of Business: All scheduling will be announced via scheduled Tweets. Expect a Fail Whale anytime.
8:40 AM: Introduction of the committees that you think do something but really don’t: Credentials and such
8:45 AM: Introduction of Motions: Note that the motions to adopt a different flag, not use Bible translations with footnotes, and to rebuke or encourage Mark Driscoll have been noted and referred to a new committee: “We’ll talk about that later”
9:10 AM: Announcements from local arrangements committee: “You’re in Phoenix. It’s summertime. Drink water and stay in the A/C or you’ll get sick and miss your vacation time.”
9:30 AM: First Executive Committee Report: Dr. Frank Page. Theme: “How it feels to herd cats when the cats have to agree to pay you to herd them.”
10:30 AM: Inspirational Singing: “Ring of Fire” by Al Mohler and Russell Moore
10:45 AM: Committee on Nominations Report
11:00 AM: First Sermon: “Tulips grow from bulbs, while the Word of God is referred to as a seed, so Calvinists are wrong” by (Undisclosed)
12:00 PM: Lunch break: Buses available. Must be over 55 to ride the bus to Golden Corral. Must be under 25 to go to McDonald’s.
1:45 PM: Inspirational Singing: “Sunshine” by <names withheld for confidentiality>
2:00 PM: First Committee on Resolutions Report:
- Resolution of Appreciation to Phoenix
- Resolution of Appreciation to Committees
- Resolution of Aggravation with something
- Resolution of Aggravation with someone
2:30 PM: Lifeway Christian Resources Report: “Yes, we sell stuff that you shouldn’t use in your church. Why don’t you buy one of those $5 Bibles first before you shop in the rest of the store? Besides, Methodists are both wealthy and will buy anything as long as “Baptist” isn’t on the sign. Ok?”
3:00 PM: Second Message: “Evangelism to the ‘Other Sheep’ in John 10” with special introduction by Hugo Chavez
3:45 PM: Break for coffee, donuts, and restrooms.
4:00 PM: NAMB Report: “Why, yes, it’s been a little weird over here for 10+ years, but we’ve got that under control now.”
5:30 PM: Dismiss for dinner. 60 and up bus departed at 4:45 to make early discounts at the Cracker Barrel.
Wednesday June 15
8:00 AM: Inspirational Music: “We are one in the bond of love” Special Guests: Rob Bell, Al Mohler, and Dave Miller
8:15 AM: Call to Order: President Bryant Wright
8:30 AM: Election of officers for next year.
- 2nd Vice-President:
Joe Blackmon(he’s not SBC anymore) Jeff Musgrave
- 1st Vice-President: Howell Scott
- President: Dave Miller
President Bryant Wright has, apparently, acquiesced to this, saying “I’ll forgo the customary re-election and save my second year to clean up the mess.”
9:00 AM: Special Presentation: “Non-Baptists we actually appreciate in the SBC”
9:02 AM: Second Business session for motions: No motions to establish new committees will be recognized this year, per order of the Committee on Committees of Committees and the Special Task Force on Task Force Redevelopment
9:30 AM: Second Report by the Resolutions Commitee:
- Resolved: Those who sin, shouldn’t.
- Resolved: Those who don’t sin, don’t exist (with 1 notable exception)
- Resolved: If we’d all get along, we wouldn’t fight so much
- Resolved: Let’s not do business with any business that does anything contrary to Biblical principles. Enjoy your walk home and eating the grass that grows along the roadsides. Oh, and eating at Chick-fil-A.
10:00 AM: Third Message: “Everybody’s crazy but me” by Gene Clyatt
10:45 AM: Coffee Break!
11:00 AM: Convention Message: “The Porpoise-Driven Church: Reaching out to fellow Mammals” by Rick Warren, with special musical guest, Seal.
11:45 AM: Lunch break.
1:30 PM: Inspirational Music: “Undivided” by Convention Choir. Quartet: Peter Lumpkins, James White, E. Caner, Tom Ascol. Choir led by Wiley Drake.
1:45 PM: Final Business session: motions to adjourn are out of order. So are motions to order pizza.
2:00 PM: Special Video Segment: “Greetings from the White House, you right-wing nuts.”
2:15 PM: Guidestone Report: “Rendering to Caesar while still claiming your housing allowance and maximizing your 401(k) contributions”
2:50 PM: Coke break. Pepsi drinkers not permitted to leave convention hall.
3:10 PM: Message: “I’m ok, you’re ok, but the guy next door, he’s toast: regional factions in the SBC” by all 5 baby NAMB leaders.
4:00 PM: IMB Report: “If you’re going to fiddle while Rome burns, at least don’t buy a Stradivarius with fire department money.”
5:15 PM: Dismissal. Warning: Phoenix PD Budget is running short this year, they will be ticketing you.