Do…
1. Preach the gospel, reminding the couple and the audience that their marriage is to communicate the gospel (Eph. 5). There will be numerous non-Christians in attendance; as well as, numerous married people that are contemplating divorce or adultery. You have a rare opportunity to give them the truth.
2. Whatever the Bride, Groom, and families want you to do that does not violate your conscience or the Scriptures.
3. Arrive early, but never late to the rehearsal, pictures, wedding, and anything else the family wants you to attend.
4. Know what you are going to say verbatim; don’t “wing it.” Notes are fine to read from, but don’t sound choppy. You are not the center of the ceremony, Christ is. Don’t detract from Christ.
5. Counsel the couple if at all possible before marrying them. This counsel should be full of Scriptural counseling; not merely advice from your many years of experience. If the couple will submit to the Scriptures as authoritative over their marriage, emotions, feelings, etc., literally nothing can make their marriage fail.
Don’t…
1. Expect to be paid. You may be paid, or you may not be. If you are paid, it won’t be much money; so, don’t ask to be paid unless they ask you.
2. Be a comedian during the ceremony. Once again, do not detract from Christ.
3. Offer suggestions to the wedding planner, family, etc. unless they ask you for them. You are not choreographing the wedding.
4. Preach a sermon, but preach the gospel. You should include Ephesians 5 or some similar verses that communicate God’s plan for marriage; however, there is no need to preach a detailed sermon. Include all that is necessary to communicate God’s plan for marriage (the gospel) in the smallest amount of time possible. The ceremony will be full of other time-stealers; so, your window for presenting the gospel is brief.
5. Ignore the wedding planner’s desired order of the ceremony. Pay detailed attention during the rehearsal to how he or she has organized the ceremony. Once again, you do not want to detract from Christ. If you mess up the order of the ceremony, you will detract from Christ.
Is there anything you would take away or add to this article? What are your thoughts?
Chris Roberts (63)
Dave Miller (61)
Bob Hadley (48)
Debbie Kaufman (45)
dr. james willingham (44)
Les (30)
cb scott (29)
Rick Patrick (27)
Bill Mac (26)
Christiane (26)
Been doing weddings for 30 years, and I guess I’m much more involved in planning the ceremony than you are. I’ve only ever had a wedding coordinator in one wedding, and frankly, she was a pain.
And I think humor is a great asset at weddings. It can be a tense time and a laugh can let some of the air out.
The idea that I would not offer suggestions to the “wedding planner” or family is ludicrous for me. I usually plan the ceremony in my office with the couple, just the three of us.
You might find that whatever system you are using is not universal and some of your commandments may not be as hard and fast as you want to make them.
Perhaps you could learn something from the Pirates Code.
I dont’ care about the rest of the stuff, but I tell them that the ceremony itself is a worship service and so I am much more assertive and less servile than you seem to demand.
I typically tell them that, within limits of decorum, entry of everyone is their decision and planning, but that once they get down the aisle, they’re mine. They may write their vows, but that has to be done in advance and discussed, and if their “vows” are fluff, I wouldn’t use them. I will incorporate requested Scripture if it is relevant—yet it’s still my final decision on what I say.
I typically don’t get involved in directing decoration or anything like that, but most of my weddings have been “coordinated” by Aunt Sally or Cousin Gracie who had coordinated precisely zero weddings and knew nothing. So, yep, it falls to me to give some levels of direction.
I’m all for being easy to get along with, but I’ve seen and heard of too many weddings getting into chaos, especially at the rehearsal. If you’re in the church I’m responsible for and responsible to, then I take a stronger leadership approach than if you’re elsewhere.
If they came to a Christian minister for a Christian wedding, then the Christian minister is in charge. If that sounds draconic, you could talk to the many couples I’ve married and none of them would make that accusation.
Not a big fan of writing your own vows – unless they are truly vows. I have told couples that they can add their own vows if they so desire. Not a single couple in all the years I’ve done weddings has even wanted to write their own vows.
When my wife and I got married, we specifically requested that the Music Minister handle officiating our wedding because he had a deft touch at humor and how to fit it into tense or potentially tense situations.
That’s typically the way I’ve seen it and done it.
And I don’t like the “write your own vows” either, and no one ever has. I give them the option, but point out that I will review and I have the final say. If you don’t like it, there are other people to do it.
Dave, do I really have to say that these are my opinions or suggestions? This is what I recommend. They’re not commandments unless they have biblical warrant.
The way you word it makes it appear that you believe these to be commands. If you do not believe them to be biblical absolutes then maybe you should word them differently than as rules or commandments.
Dave, this is the 3rd website this article was published on. Based on the comments on all websites, you’re the only one that viewed these as “commands.” *There were only a few comments on the other websites. I’ll try to watch my rhetoric in the future; but, if I haven’t grounded it in Scripture, it’s probably not a command. Most of the above comments are hanging in midair, and are only grounded in my opinion. I’m definitely not infallible.
Dave, I help plan the ceremony as well; but, only in the sense of making sure what is done is not a direct or indirect affront to Christ. I don’t plan the “order of service.” I accommodate where the Scriptures and my conscience allow.
Basically, if I can do what the couple wants, I do it.
Don’t preach a 25 minute sermon that may or may not make a reference to bestiality.
(wasn’t me…)
You can’t make a comment like that without details – at least by email.
billspevins4life@yahoo.com
I could. Basically, it was a wedding of a close relative of mine, the youth pastor was performing the ceremony (hence, the length), the wedding sermon text was Genesis 2, and the recently released “King Kong” by Peter Jackson somehow made its way into the sermon as an illustration.
Remember to write yourself cues in the service: like telling the congregation to SIT DOWN! after the bride comes in.
I’ve worked over a hundred weddings during my day. I have to say that many pastors have been the source for many of my favorite wedding day stories.
I had a pastor forget to put on his lapel mic after he went to the bathroom before the ceremony began. There was flushing hilarity.
I had a pastor forget the names of the bride and groom during the ceremony.
I had a pastor forget the marriage license for the “signing” during the ceremony. The bride and groom actually signed a bulletin that we found stuffed in the podium during the ceremony.
I had a pastor forget to zip his fly after a preceremony bathroom break.
We always just told the bride and groom that invariably, something is going to go wrong. We would also tell them that we are best at solving problems on the fly and that it will all disappear in the final edit of their wedding video unless they told us to leave it in there.
I have a ton of funny wedding stories.
yep.
Do make sure that the wedding coordinator/planner/choreographer knows that in the church, you’re the boss (in a subtle, slick, non-threatening way to the bride’s mother, of course) and don’t presume that the wedding c/p/c has the faintest clue what they are doing.
Soooo, how many weddings have you done, Jared?
I’d rather do a funeral than a wedding any day.
I have yet to meet the pastor who wouldn’t rather do a funeral than a wedding.
William, I can’t remember the exact number. I think it’s 5 or more?
Concerning whether or not I’d rather do a funeral than a wedding, it depends on if the person that died was a professed non-Christian or not.
Dave the draconian wedding guy, and I, recognize that if you are asked to do it and it’s in the church the pastor is to preside. Period. If it’s at the beach or at Chuck-e-Cheezes, perhaps another presider…
I print out every single word and have it with me. I’d rather be wooden in reading it that winging it. Occasional, ad lib is ok.
On pay, we have a policy for use of our facility by non-members. Part of the policy specifies an amount for an honorarium if they want me to preside along with facility fees and fees for sound person etc. I think this is reasonable and helpful to the couple. I rarely accept these weddings.
Counseling. I require it, no exceptions. The level of counseling may vary. Church members understand that I will not agree to do a wedding for anyone without them coming in for an initial conversation.
Wear a robe. It goes with anything. I haven’t rented a tux in decades.
My last wedding was the most fun of any I’ve done. Couple in the church decided to get married with a few days notice to all. Informal was the word. No one was uptight. No big expense. No one trying to outdo their friends. Very pleasant.
Don’t get your nose out of joint if it becomes apparent that the wedding isn’t about you…it ain’t.
I do word-for-word. Words to say are highlighted. Actions to do are italicized. Bride and Groom’s names are in bold.
I have done more weddings than I can count over the last 10 years. I have encountered few wedding coordinators. Most weddings fall to me or my wife to “coordinate.”
I also like to inject some humor and personal stories into the ceremony.
I agree that the Gospel should be proclaimed and the wedding pointed to as a model for our relationship with Jesus.
Counseling is a requirement for me and if they want me to do it I have a small set fee that I charge as well as a set fee for the ceremony. If they can’t afford it, then I waive it. I have never had someone not be able to afford it. Let’s face it, many are dropping tens of thousands of dollars on this ceremony, they can afford to compensate me for leaving my family for 2 hours 5 times for counseling as well as the day of rehearsal and ceremony.
the most amazing wedding I have been a part of was held outdoors at an old fishing camp on an October night. Everyone in the ceremony including me was barefoot. I wore khakis and an untucked white shirt. The groom was similarly attired. The bride wore a simple white dress. Over 200 people in attendance. Barn dance after the ceremony. Amazing night.
Craziest wedding was last December with a sweet couple from my church. Her folks are from Louisiana and were “ragin’ cajuns.” Two guys were carrying fifths of whiskey in their coat pockets and trying to get me and anyone else to do shots with them. All the women except the bride were drinking. It was insane. We got through the ceremony and the reception was actually fairly tame. I swore no more weddings for Cajuns after that.
Ryan, you should have “contextualized” and drank some shots with some Cajuns. *I’m only kidding of course. What a wonderful opportunity to share the gospel!
Just a couple of suggestions for now.
If you are going to have a young child as a ring-bearer, be aware that they sometimes lose it in the middle of the crowd. The rehearsal does not prepare them for everyone staring at them and taking pictures. So assign a trustworthy adult, that the child knows, to calmly step out and guide the child the rest of the way down the aisle. This saves the dignity of the child and sometimes others.
Second; do not let Gollum be the ring-bearer, no matter how many times he volunteers.
I like these suggestions. “Gollum,” that’s very funny.
Our policy was no child under five could be involved, period.
When questioned, we stated that a three year old upended a candle arrangement and caused about three grand worth of damage as well as completely ruined the wedding ceremony for the bride and groom because they knew that either they, or one of the sets of parents, was on the hook for the three grand due to violations in the contract concerning candles and their arrangements.
Another story we posed to them was the three year old flower girl who decided she had been in her dress long enough and it was time to change…at the alter. The child’s mother, clearly horrified, made a quick and discrete as an entrance as you can do, but it still was a huge distraction. The bride, groom, and their families agreed afterward that though its cute, it had no place occurring during a wedding ceremony.
We decided that from now on, no children involved under three would be our policy.
People would try to sneak a four year old in every now and then. Our favorite was a family that tried to put it past us until we reminded them that we (the staff) were all at the birth of said child and strangely, it was only about four years ago.
And our pastor also made the call that no cowboy hats would be worn during the ceremony. The groom bucked, saying that it’s part of his “heritage” and that he strongly desired to wear it. The pastor, who came from a ranching heritage as well, replied with, “A true cowboy is a gentleman and a gentleman would always take his hat off indoors. My daddy did it, my grandfather did it, and all the men dating back the past several hundred years all did it.” No hats were worn during the ceremony.
The only surprising thing that was allowed by my pastor was the bride who wanted to come down to “Brickhouse” rather the traditional wedding march. It took us awhile, but we managed to find an instrumental version of “Brickhouse” and soften the sound down some. Yes, we managed to make “Brickhouse” palatable to those who attended that wedding. The pastor did tell her that had we not found the instrumental version, he probably would have asked her to find something else.
Bill, it’s crazy that a bride wanted to walk down to “Brickhouse.” This is “She’s a brick….house” right? by Rick James? That’s one of the craziest things I’ve heard.
I’ll add one more to the “don’t” list. Don’t serve the Lord’s Supper as part of the ceremony. It’s an ordinance for the local church, not for a gathering of family and friends, and certainly not just for a couple.
Daniel, Dave argued above that a marriage ceremony is a worship service. I lean heavily toward agreeing with him on this. What if you only open it to the baptized believers in the congregation?
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