I received this from a Southern Baptist missionary who needs to remain anonymous.
There are folks in our company who believe that you should not have a baby during your first term on the field and/or during language study. There is no penalty if you do; it is simply a recommendation. I suppose some things happened that led people to conclude, either by personal experience or by observation, that having a baby during the first term (typically three years) is not the wisest thing to do.
Here are some reasons I think are behind this recommendation. First, living overseas is stressful. Your stress level is always higher than if you were living in the States. It’s just a fact. Second, when you’re in your first term, it follows that you’re in language study because, obviously, you most likely do not know the language. Knowing the language is important for survival at the very least and for our job most of all. We cannot do our job well if we cannot clearly communicate the most important information that has eternal impact.
Now, on the field in your first term, you are living at a higher stress level and very busy studying the language. Even language study may add to your stress if learning a language does not come easily for you. On top of that, there is an expectation that you must reach a language competency level within three years. No pressure there, right?
Stress and language study are just two basic facts of the life in the first term. Add any number of variables that may be unique to each person’s particular situation: a difficult teammate, loneliness, high security risk, health problems, lack of support, children’s needs, trauma, death in the family back home, lack of fruit, poor walk with the Father, etc. I can go on.
Having a baby in itself is time consuming. The feedings, diaper changes, bad naps, colds, colic, teething, doctor visits, sleep deprivation, long stays in the home without getting out much, etc. It can be hard enough in the States where you are comfortable, familiar, and can speak your native language. It’s doubly hard overseas where you may not be as comfortable, where you have less support, no family to come and help, and you may not speak the language as well.
Then, because you had a baby, you are not able to devote much time to language study. You may fall behind. You may be reasonably competent, but you cannot put in the hours required to meet the goals set for you. If you’re lucky, you have a flexible language coach who will work with you.
So, I believe there were cases that happened which prompted this recommendation against pregnancy in the first term for all the reasons I listed above. I suspect there were people who resigned because everything became too much when a baby was added to the mix. I fully believe that I am oversimplifying because I know there are complex and unique situations that lead to resignations. I cannot know them all. I believe others endured a very difficult term and had a baby in the middle of it, which caused them make this recommendation, even though they persevered. Second terms are supposed to be easier when you are competent in the language and you’re comfortable in the host culture (I cannot attest to this since I have yet to serve a second term) so having a baby would be best in the second term. That does make sense. There are others who simply place priority on language study and our calling above enlarging your own family.
I had a baby in my first term, which I am currently serving. My baby was born exactly 9 days after our first anniversary of arriving on the field. I had people who advised me to wait to have a baby. I listened. I thought about it. My husband and I talked. We prayed. We wanted another baby. We had two things going for us: we have served 2 years on the field before (as singles) and this was not our first baby. Therefore, I felt we had realistic expectations of what it’s like to have a baby in our first term as a career couple.
I’m glad we chose to go ahead to have the baby because I am seeing doors open. Prior to this, I was greeted with friendliness at social events, but not much beyond that. My language teacher is part of a clique of women, completely closed to any newcomers. They meet once a month for breakfast and socialize all day. They don’t publicly advertise this because they do not want anyone else to attend. I would see some of these ladies at the Deaf club and hear about their secret meetings. Even after I delicately asked about this monthly event, trying to weasel an invite, I didn’t get invited. Months and months went by.
I became pregnant and the news was received by the Deaf with surprise and congratulations. I could tell the Deaf ladies in my language teacher’s clique were warming up to me as they began to fuss over me throughout my pregnancy. The fact that I was entrusting my prenatal care, my delivery, and subsequent care to their doctors and their hospitals made an enormous impact. I was having my baby in their country. It was an affirmation of their national pride.
After I had my baby, I saw an outpouring of love from these ladies. They came to my home, sometimes in pairs, sometimes in fours, and once, ten came to my house, and they all came bearing gifts. I felt tremendously blessed by their generosity. They love my baby with crazy affection.
Then….after a year and three months, I finally got an invitation to their secret monthly meeting. Only after I had the baby. Maybe my baby’s sweet, toothless smiles were hard to resist.
Having a baby was the best thing, in spite of conventional wisdom, and the doors that opened were well worth all the frantic juggling of language, life, family, and the new baby. I will be able to share the Good News with twenty more Deaf ladies as I have built trust with them by having my baby among them. This definitely has eternal value.