In light of the recent (uh, hmmmn), blog competition in which I failed, I was forced to wonder about my writing. Not because I did not make it to the next round of competition. No. Actually, I received a record collection of votes for a little old grandma from the plains of Oklahoma. All the more a marvel, since my competitors are well-known, highly educated men of God in the theological and religious world.
Competing in the “Madness” was more for recreation and frivolity. I knew I stood no chance. I had fun badgering my Facebook buds who had combined lists of 5-Thousand plus friends. I even tweeted on Twitter. Lately I’ve had several folks tweet me to say they are following my tweets for some odd reason. Those folks have thousands upon thousands of followers to my measley 40. I thought, gee, if I could tap into that network and get a pinch of their galaxies then I could surely muster up 39 votes to surpass JDGrear, who only received 77 votes. I wondered…does net-working really work?
I discovered that social networking only works for union protests, tsunami photo sharing, and reposting You-tube baby videos. Great lesson, considering that I am writing a devotional book. I’m thinking a fan-base of 43 highly coerced voters does not make for very great odds on selling a book. Am I nuts?
What in the world I am doing? Does it really matter if I write devotionals, inspirational ponderings, maintain several blogs, comment on other blog posts, and lend my voice to SBCVoices every now and then?
Does it really matter in the wide scheme of things on earth that anyone hears my opinion on anything?
Sometimes I read articles and wonder if it’s foolish to write about God’s Word. After all, isn’t His Word sufficient? Perhaps I just need to post scripture on the screen to proclaim. It is written that God’s Word does not return void. But mine? empty rhetoric at best.
Again the thought comes to mind: Why? What does it matter what I think of God’s hope, joy, comfort, encouragement, grace, salvation, guidance? What makes me think that any babel I place upon a poor dead tree’s 6 x 8 inch bound rendering makes a bookworm’s worth of difference in the gazillion stacks of books in print?
I look at Tony’s annual competition and calculate time I spent playing the game. Should I have used it more wisely? I think of time I spend each day reading God’s Word, praying, thinking, meditating, writing, editing, re-editing, praying some more, then posting on the various sites I maintain. And I wonder.
Do other bloggers ever wonder if the words they spew and vent and opine upon the internet make a gnat’s worth of difference in building up the saints? What hope do we offer? What light do we emit? What salt do we bring to the tasteless porridge of earthly stew? Are we simply leaven? Is the bread we serve up fit to eat or covered in molded arrogance and pride?
I’ve often read that people write blogs because of the people they meet. Yeah, I admit I really enjoy conversations with some of those nutty brothers and precious sisters I’ve met in the sphere of magnetic waves encircling the globe. Comraderie.
When I began blogging, I was at cross-purposes with God and man. I needed to vent the depth of pain within my soul over the loss of my precious son. I found a kindred connection with the blank screen before me. It was a parodox of sorts. I felt lifeless, yet the lighted monitor beckoned me on the darkest nights. When I placed my thoughts of God upon the void screen, life filled a void within my soul.
That, in and of itself, defies the tiny note I have taped to my keyboard: “It’s not about me.” Oh no? Self-centeredness is a sneaky little sin, don’t you think? I asked the Lord to shine His light upon my heart and illumine corners cluttered with self-serving thoughts.
Was I really writing for others to see the Sovereign God of glory? Was I really sharing the meditations of my heart to further His kingdom? Was I really seeking to stir up the minds of fellow Believers…
…to live for Christ
…to shine for Christ
…to sacrifice for Christ
…to return to Christ?
Or was writing just a ruse to satisfy a longing deep within me for my own need of God? As I asked the Lord to search my soul and mind, I concluded that pride in any form seeks to elevate itself above a jealous God. We measure our lives against people so much. We are better than this one. We know more. We study more. We are more educated. We are greater scholars. We have better ideas. We show more love. We feed more hungry. We give more water. We sacrifice more money. We have more followers.
But do we? Do we do it for our vanity and bragging rights? are we simply playing a game of hypocritical sanctification? We fail and justify. We fume and profess righteous indignation. We point out every flaw in others and cover ourselves in a security blanket of discernment, exhortation, and license to admonish, critique and warn.
I wonder. Why do I write? For whom? For me or Thee, O Lord. Why do I minister, for glory on earth or reward in Heaven? Where are my treasures anyway? Are they all here, ready to meet the torch of God’s purifying touch? Or are they already refined and placed into His storehouse above?
Oh, to be more certain. Or perhaps, uncertain.
Oh, to forget that as “I cast my bread upon the waters, that it will return.” It’s really not about what will return…but what will be relinquished, surrendered, abandoned, and yielded to the King. It’s what is poured out and drips down the Savior’s brow upon His shoulders. It’s what washes His feet and annoints His head. Broken, unused for earthly gains again. Broken. Unable to collect the bounty of earth’s folly and satisfaction. Broken.
Thank you LORD for times of brokenness. Thank you for cracking open the encased self-satifying comfort I had in my own ability, wisdom, and strength. Had I not been broken, how could I have known the joy of lying in a puddle at Your feet? I do not know. And yet I wonder. selahV