It was a regular Wednesday night at church that started off much like any other Bible study for my small group of women. We had spent the previous 5 weeks learning the basics of our faith discussing things like prayer, and studying the Bible, and what the purpose of the Church was. Our last lesson was all about being on mission and sharing our testimonies with those around us. That night may have started just like any other night, but it quickly shifted into a defining moment for one woman and our group. With tears streaming down her face, and a shakiness in her voice, she courageously shared her story.
It was the same story filling social media and mainstream news – she had been the victim of abuse and domestic violence. She described how she would pick out clothes that were long sleeved and turtlenecked to hide the darkness she endured day after day. She told herself over and over again that she would leave and never did, and how it rang in her head over and over that God and the church don’t allow divorce, and so she stayed until it was finally too much. She decided she would rather die trying to escape than to live through her current hell.
She isn’t the only one. There is the wife who texts late at night asking me to pray because her husband is drinking again, and the ex-wife of a former cop who even after decades of being separated from him still struggles with trust, vulnerability, and worthiness. In the midst of the #MeToo movement, the women in our faith families are finding their voice. But for every one that shares, there are many who remain silent. So how do we shepherd these women well? How do we make our churches a safe place of refuge?
The response of the church, from brothers, sisters, leadership, and lay people, has got to become an intentional and thoughtful process. This post may not be an exhaustive list of needs to be addressed in light of the problem, but I hope that it is a diving board into a conversation that much of us who serve the church need to be having.
Are you listening?
Even if women haven’t shared their story with you, do you know the statistics of what women have faced?
- According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), one out of every five American women has been raped. That’s 23 million women who have experienced such a horrific act against them.
- The CDC also tells us that 44 percent of American women have experienced some other form of sexual violence. This means 53 million American women have been subjected to sexual harassment, sexual assault, or some other act of gender-based violence not including rape.
Once you hear the pain and struggle that comes with the stories the women in your pews have lived through, you will begin to notice not only their trials but their strength. As you listen, be pushed to create a culture that marks safety, love, and vulnerability within your church, staff, and small groups. Jen Wilkin once said in an interview, “You may think because women haven’t come forward that there aren’t any in your congregation. They are there they just don’t feel safe to share.”
If you do have a woman share her story of abuse with you, listen well. Grieve with her. Express compassion for her. Ask questions to better understand the extent of her pain. Pray with her and ask the Spirit to mend what only He can. Remind her of the Gospel and a Savior that know the scars of abuse and mistreatment.
Are you speaking?
Sin breeds in silence. As long as sin stays in the dark, there is no opportunity for light and redemption. One of the most powerful steps you can take is to be a voice for the voiceless. The reminder from the pulpit to all ages, genders, and stages of life is that people are made in the image of God; doing anything to thwart, damage, and hurt one another is against God. Pastors, you have the privilege from the pulpit to have the attention of all your people on a weekly basis. Invest that time in charging the body to be people who honor one another, show love to one another, and fight FOR one another. The teenage boy will learn how to treat his girlfriend, the husband will hear the charge to fight for self-control, and the victim will sit a little taller knowing she is seen and not forgotten.
Our sermons, small group discussions, and women’s Bible study classes have got to start vocalizing that abuse is never ok, that Jesus is in the business of making beauty from ashes, and the power of sin can be broken and fought through repentance and accountability.
Are you resourcing?
First, have the information of websites, local domestic violence shelters, a crisis hotline number, and biblical counselors. It is not wrong for you to pass on something that you aren’t equipped to handle and to seek specifically trained professionals to step in. Have a process as a staff to walk through should someone in your congregation come to you in need of immediate help.
Second, do you have female leadership that your women feel comfortable speaking to? Because their abuser is a male, they often have a distrust of male authority and think that they won’t be believed. Find women in your church who are trustworthy, have a heart for other women, and who have a rapport with the women in your church. A woman who loves Jesus and has proven her character in other areas of serving the Church is integral not only for those feeling comfortable to share their abuse stories, but it also gives a clear message within your congregation that women are heard, loved, and valued.
As a woman who has the privilege of both leading and walking with the women of our church, my heart is grieved at the scars and consequences of sin in the midst of so many of their stories, but I am also more hopeful and expectant than ever before. 1 John 1:5 says that “ God is light, and there is absolutely no darkness in Him.”
A light is being shown in the darkness. God is bringing healing, freedom, and purpose to the hurt, pain, and injustice of this world. The story of redemption is being written for all of us to see His glory and His goodness.
A short note to those of you reading this who have abuse in your past:
Sister,
The darkness of those moments have no doubt been a marker on your heart and soul, and whether it was decades ago or just last night, I need you to tenderly hear that wasn’t ok, and you are loved and not alone. I’m praying for a little bit of bravery for you to tell someone; a friend, a mentor, a pastor. I want nothing more than to see to your safety and cheer you on as you seek healing and justice. I’m for you, ready to listen, ready to pray, ready to support.
National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233
Hope For The Heart Domestic Violence Free Resource: http://www.hopefortheheart.org/domestic-violence/
Safe Haven Resources Page
https://www.safehaventc.org/resources/facts/
THANK YOU Jacki for sharing this!!
To add (less eloquently) things that should not be done (that I’ve seen and heard said:)
1. If someone comes claiming abuse don’t first ask if they’ve been respectful enough. And don’t minimize alleged abuse as “marital conflict”. Don’t jump to “women trying to rule over their husbands since the fall.” Don’t suggest the problems will be solved if they are more satisfying in bed (tends to come more from older women) or more submissive.
2. Don’t assume if an accused offender is making an outward show of wanting to fix things that a victim needs to let everything reboot with a clean slate. Learn about the cycle of abuse to understand this more.
3. Don’t make assumptions about what an abuser or victim looks like or that you will be able to recognize it. Abusers often don’t look like villains. Don’t assume that how someone acts in public is the same as their private life.
4. Don’t assume that victims will react in the way you think they should. If you aren’t familiar with abusive situations or victims of sexual crimes you can easily misjudge a situation.
5. It’s not always easy to know how to respond when these situations come up. One of the best things you can do is to really listen to what they are saying and make sure they know their worth and they matter.
Kimberly,
This is such great advice!! There are so many layers to each individual’s story and the circumstances and history are always so different. Thank you for sharing these wonderful nuggets of wisdom and grace.
This advice is solid gold. Re. point #2, if any pastors reading this comment can carve out some time to talk about the cycle of abuse w/someone who works at a shelter, please do.
If not, the 30-second summary is: Abusers are very good at saying that they’re sorry or even ashamed of themselves, and that they desperately want to change and are willing to do the hard work that requires. The thing is, they *have* to be good at that — it’s how they keep access to their victims. So when they talk this way, remember that what they really mean is: “she should still have to live with me and spend every day in my power, at my mercy, and *terrified* of my displeasure. Why? ’cause I’m totally trying to change!”
He’s asking you to set the wife on fire to keep her husband warm. You should take a hard pass on that.
At last! A truly meaningful start. Thank you.
Thank you ladies for a meaningful start. I hope and pray the discussion continues both here and in our reective churches.
Jacki, and other ladies, what else can we do? Is there more? Can we start a group for victims where they feel safe telling their stories? It’s nice that there’s a domestic abuse hotline, but I was thinking of something more gospel centered. This article and the entire month have made me feel a need to step up. I have four daughters. I want this world to be safer for them.
Hey Tony,
I appreciate your question so much. It shows a willingness to want to reach out and listen and help, and I think its the first question most pastors/leaders need to ask. It will look different for different churches and contexts.
I think one of the most encouraging and empowering things I have heard from the women who have walked this road is for men to speak out against it and let them know they are loved and valued. A lot of the damage has come just from the silence of it all. Men displaying grace and honor, and starting a conversations in small groups, during sermons, on social media, even conversations for young men on what it looks like to serve, protect, and honor the women in their lives.
I’m hoping to gather some more info for future posts, but hopefully some other suggestions can come from women here in the comments as well.
Its not a quick answer, but I love that we are starting on the path to speak to it.
Hi! Talking about it is a good start. Talking about unacceptable perceptions and comments that get brushed off that really shouldn’t be happening. Kindly address inappropriate comments or jokes when they come up. One comment I actually overheard even back when I was in high school (and said by a ‘good Christian girl’) was that “a rape victim is someone who changed their mind too late”. I’ve heard others say things like this. I spoke with a young lady last year, a rape victim, and one of the hardest parts for her to process was how no one seemed to understand her pain and brushed it off as no big deal — that is, if they even believed her. I don’t believe every guy who is accused is guilty, but I do believe the first action should be one of love and listening. Comments like this that can be said so nonchalantly can indicate a problem.
I think the thing that will make the biggest difference in the long run may be the very small things. Everyone doing their part to squash toxic thoughts that makes women seem like objects and abuse and violence as minor offenses or things to joke about.
Another thing to consider is that abuse and sin thrive in isolation. Encouraging people to come and bring their brokenness into fellowship, even and especially on the days when it’s hard to hold it together. Keep tissues in easy access to your pews. One of the things I try to reinforce with the young girls I work with is the importance of healthy Christian friendships and community. The statistics Jacki listed earlier are devastating. I want my girls to have a group of solid relationships so if they do end up in a bad situation, they have someone to help pull them out and rally around them. I don’t want them to try to hide and put on a brave face and run away from Christian community when their lives don’t end up as perfect as we all try to pretend they are on Sunday mornings.
Don’t tolerate gossip when abuse or violence is brought up or suspected. So, talk about abuse. Talk about issues. Listen and help and advocate for victims. But don’t allow an atmosphere that brings additional pain and shame and suffering.
Something that may have been mentioned earlier is having women trained for when the situation arises as maybe a first responder of sorts. This can help the woman feel free to speak, and it also can help protect the woman and the men they turn to for help from unintentionally bonding inappropriately in a time of vulnerability. Make sure the women are trained in these situations though. Godly women can still say incredibly harsh and unhelpful thing unintentionally just because of being unfamiliar with these kinds of situations.
These are all small things we all can do, but if we all did them it would be a huge impact.
Jackie & Kimberly – wonderful wise advice. May I add that in addition to the list of resources you provided, that it is important to know of a place – possibly other than a shelter – for the abused woman (and any children) to go IMMEDIATELY and encourage her to take that step. After the initial controversy re Paige Patterson broke, our pastor told us that if a woman came to our church seeking help, they would get her to a hotel (paid for by the church) that day. It might be easier for the wounded woman to go to a hotel at least the first night. I think it would be a good idea for a person/people to ask their church what protocols are in place for this. If none are, my opinion is that the necessary steps be immediately implemented.
Pam, I love what your pastor did with offering a nights stay at a hotel. Often times women are bringing their kids with them and its a scary thing to get the courage to go with so many unknowns. This helps them know they are safe and not alone.
And just to throw out more info on the shelters, they obviously will differ by location, but they have everything the woman and children will need to help them in the transition as well as counseling, transportation help, and advice on next steps. Our concept of ‘shelter’ can be a bit skewed. Its a beautiful resource with so much more than a place to stay.
Thanks for adding to the conversation.
Very good post.
Excellent post, Jacki.