I have started, deleted, and restarted this post no less than 25 times. There is a war waging inside; it’s a war between being misunderstood versus the deep felt emotion that runs through my veins. It gives my stomach a bit of a sick feeling and a slight lump in my throat. It is a physical reminder of the investment, deep care, and tension that I feel.
Have you ever felt like the elephant in the room? I remember being a young 20-something in the middle of my Bible college coffee shop, and like many days, a group of guys was debating whether or not babies went to heaven or hell. I remember thinking that I didn’t even know that was even a question to ask; it honestly wasn’t something I had ever questioned before. They volleyed the conversation back and forth with their arguments and defenses. I went on with life and didn’t think much about it until one day as I was laying on my apartment bathroom floor hemorrhaging from a miscarriage and grappling with the Truth that now my baby was hanging in the middle of that coffee shop debate.
The days that followed were a battle of the soul where it was no longer a two-sided conversation, but instead was the very wrestle of my soul. My theology would dictate my grappling with one of the most vulnerable times of my life. The next semester, sitting in the coffee shop, there were newer, younger faces, but the same debate topic of where do babies go, and once again I felt like the elephant in the room.
That wouldn’t be the last time this feeling would overcome me. I have been an elephant in the room again these last few weeks. Just now, instead of babies, the conversation is once again back to women and preaching. The wrestling, the wanting to speak, the questioning, the vulnerability of being talked at instead of talked to. It isn’t a new conversation, and honestly, I am all for having it, but what I have found is that we don’t converse anymore, instead we attack.
We use theological debates to throw fiery darts at one another, and as a result, we have more friendly fire than iron sharpening iron. This isn’t just to the issues of women, this is to all things. We attack a faithful brother with impulsive conclusions on his theology and spark a fire, that as James says, quickly ignites a firestorm of brother attacking brother. People are used as pawns and blanket statements are made in efforts to push an agenda and create camps. We are all bleeding out from friendly fire within our own family, and the casualties are our brothers and sisters. Brothers and sisters who have served faithfully and earnestly.
I just wrapped up a 6-week study of walking through the book of Philippians (teaching women if you are wondering). It has been full of sobering Truths. Paul urges the church, then and today, to be a people who advance the Gospel (1:12-20), who are humble both in attitude and action (2:7-8), and who even in the midst of disagreement are to remember to agree in the Lord. And despite differences, at the end of the day, we are coworkers whose names are in the Book of Life. (4:2-3) The imagery Paul uses to describe God’s people is one of both athleticism and militaristic strategy. “ Just one thing: As citizens of heaven, live your life worthy of the gospel of Christ. Then, whether I come and see you or am absent, I will hear about you that you are standing firm in one spirit, in one accord, contending together for the faith of the gospel,” Phil. 1:27.
We have lost our way. We have lost our mission.
Am I insinuating not to discuss theological meanings and interpretations? Absolutely not. I was so encouraged by a post from my brother Steve Bezner who I think so beautifully put together a response to my elephant feelings. His tone, graciousness, and overall tact were a breath of fresh air to hollow bones. There have been moments of hope and rest. I am saying that the conversation has to change.
My soul is weary of the same conversation, the quick remarks, the sarcastic replies. There is so much more to talk about. A day that Hallmark commercializes to celebrate moms is a day that the church has the grand opportunity to display the beauty, creativity, and strength in the image of God of women as they are Spiritual Mothers and Servants all across the globe, and yet for some it was drowned out by coffee shop talk. We have lost sight of the souls that are attached to our words.
May we grieve over the damage our words have spilled. May we choose to do the hard work of repentance and self-control. May we choose to celebrate, serve, protect, and care for one another. Can I even suggest we get off our phones and computers and have actual conversations with humans? Where we look them in the eye, we listen well and not just to respond.
In the wake of these last couple of weeks, I have had to go back to what I have seen over these last few months in the SBC Women’s Leadership Network. Now more than ever, I see the tenacity and grace of the women of the SBC. As I have said before, I LOVE celebrating the work of women in my tribe. So to begin the shift in conversation, I want to share just a small picture of my coffee shop talk.
Here is what I have learned and know about SBC Women:
- They are deeply devoted. From Sunday afternoon classes teaching GA’s and Acteens, to packing up bags, and hugging loved ones to take the Gospel across the ocean, our women are devoted to telling/sharing/displaying the Gospel of Jesus. I hear every annual meeting, “We need to get back to our great commission values” and when you look at the numbers, 54 % of our missionaries are devoted women, both married and single, who choose to take the Gospel to all nations.
- They are fiercely resilient. I have known several women who show up on Sunday mornings to their volunteer positions while their bodies are plagued by chemo as they fight cancer. They walk the halls of our churches with strength and dignity as their head wraps are full of bright colors and characters to bring a smile to a child’s face. There are widows who are making sandwiches for Disaster Relief meals to those that wouldn’t eat otherwise.
- They are brilliantly creative. In the past few months, I have read thread after thread of women who are leading organizations that tackle adoption, healing for post-abortive women, starting reading programs to fight poverty and crime in the inner city. They are ministering to women coming out of prostitution, to the homeless, and to the abused.
- They are humble & teachable. Seminary, books, training, networking. Women are hungry to do the work, and do it well. They are utilizing their extra moments between full-time jobs, child rearing, and community service to grow, learn, and develop Kingdom citizens. They are hungry for knowledge, experience, and expertise to serve their churches, workplaces, and communities well.
- They are not oblivious. Women are reading your responses. They are internalizing the phrases used and the tones portrayed. They breathe a little easier when they see a brother offer grace and encouragement, and they cringe when they are compartmentalized into a one-sentence statement. Although the majority of the conversation and responses may not be online, I can assure you that texts, phone calls, and conversations are happening both from inside our tribe and outside the SBC. They have felt your words deeper than you can imagine.
This past Sunday (and every Sunday) women were rocking babies, greeting new visitors, setting up photo-booths, teaching small groups, holding the hands of scared toddlers, leading in worship, giving welcomes, praying over broken stories of infertility and loss, and who dedicated children to the work of the Father. Women, they faithfully served for the Church and for Jesus.
How gracious God is to give us one another, let’s not take that for granted.
Contending with you and for you.
This is excellent. Thank you, Jacki.
Thank you brother.
Jacki — I’m a lifelong Southern Baptist and my spiritual roots go back to SBC missionaries who ministered to my family during a time overseas. I was SBC-educated and have served in both church and convention roles throughout my career. I was blessed to be able to retire two years ago. My youngest child is an educator who just completed her PhD and returned to Texas to teach at a university level. And, of our children, she’s the compliant one. She approached us recently to ask if we’d be offended if she joined a church that was not Southern Baptist. She has found a new church where she feels at home and affirmed, where she can worship and share her gifts in music. In her two previous Baptist churches (one in TX and one in MI), she got a bit soured by the insensitivity of a couple of “men of God.” In TX, the new music minister quickly disbanded the church orchestra (of which she’d been a part) saying that they “really weren’t that good” and that he “preferred having a praise band.” In MI, after the long-term pastor resigned and moved, the interim pastor made it very clear in early sermons that he did not believe in or support women being in positions of worship leadership. Want to guess the gender of the “choir/music director”??
Our daughter values the fact that, in this church, (in her words) she “sees women both valued and entrusted with roles of meaningful leadership.” Though Southern Baptists would say “we believe that and we do that,” this has not been our daughter’s experience in the SBC churches that she’s been a part of. We’ve attended this church and it is Bible-centric. it is clear that their worship centers on Christ. And, yes (hold onto your seat!), women have key roles in church decisions and in worship, including Biblical proclamation (gasp!). Is the Lord honored in all of this? Far be it from me to say otherwise. I’ll leave it to you theologues to debate the issue of complementarianism. To the average young believer, my hunch is that such debate has little to no meaning. They’re simply seeking a faith community in which Christ is honored and their faith, gifts and intellect are affirmed/challenged. Personally, I’m overjoyed that my daughter has found a church home. Just a tinge of sadness that she could not find a similar home within an SBC family,.
For the record, Allen Ray was the Guidestone consultant who worked with us IMB missionaries for many years. He guided us and encouraged us and educated us. I don’t know his daughter; but if she is like Allen, she is a wonderful person.
Allen it is good to hear from you. l have missed visiting with you when I call Guidestone. I hope your daughter finds a place to use her ministry gifts.
You’re still in good hands with my successor (Dustin) at GuideStone. Somehow they haven’t missed a beat in my absence!! Yes, our daughter was welcomed by her new church with open arms and excitement, and is already very much involved in the music ministry, along with a Bible Study group (dare we say Sunday school?). Thank you for your kindness in asking.
You “outted” me, Mark! Thank you for your kind comments. I do miss RVA, ILC, STAS, FPO and all of those other acronyms that only us “insiders” can appreciate. I’ve been on the sidelines as a “window shopper” with SBCVoices for some time, but felt compelled in comment on this one.
Allen, It is great to connect with you here. I resonate with a lot of what your daughter has felt and experienced. I fear that we are losing a lot of our younger gifted leaders who are women because it is much easier to be heard and valued within other faith denominations. This is a big reason I pray for change in the conversation, change in our practice. We are stronger when together. Please let your daughter know I am cheering her on and I love how you have encouraged her in her gifts as her dad and brother. Blessings.
Well, thank you, Jacki . . . . I will let my daughter know exactly what you’ve said. I am so glad that you, as you said, “started, deleted and restarted” many, many times. There will always be the risk of being misinterpreted or misunderstood, but you comments are timely. I yearn for a return to civility among brothers and sisters in Christ, where we need not fear honesty in expressing our growing faith. Thank you for sharing, Jacki.
Jackie –
Thanks for sharing your comments. I am 73 years old and finally beginning to appreciate the importance of Godly women in our churches.The best teachers in m life have been women. The best role models have been women, Most of the best “proclaimers” have been women. Women sprees ideas differently than men, and women have a perspective on life that me will never have.
Thanks you for speaking up. There are some of men who are listening.
Thank you David. I appreciate your encouragement.
Jacki, Brent Hobb’s point from yesterday’s blog post “1. The vast chasm between the gathered church’s worship in the New Testament versus typical evangelical practice.” was quite profound in my thinking.
I have lived a long life and have always wanted to be obedient to Scripture. In practice, where is the “authoritative teaching” in our churches? If your church is fortunate enough to be able to pay a seminary-trained pastor, then perhaps you may assign that role. The churches in my rural area are just trying to find pulpit supply and doing the best they can with the one or two men that will study during the week.
I recently read Kathy Keller’s “Jesus, Justice and Gender Roles.” She believes that any position in a church that is open to an “unordained” man is also open to women. I find this very hard to argue against. And the ordained man in their Presbyterian denomination is highly trained. I know someone right now trying to go through that process and his MA from Midwestern is not acceptable for that.
Cathy, I echo your heart beat of wanting to be obedient as well as stewarding the gifts God has given me in the local church. It has been a wrestle I haven’t approached lightly and have studied on both sides. I just recently was made aware of Kathy Keller’s book and hope to read it in between some of my seminary reading. In all of my study, I have found God fearing and loving people on both sides, and that has lead me to engage the conversation with a lot more grace than dogma. Hoping we can continue in that as we all strive to be faithful.
I don’t know you, Jacki King, but you have the seeds for at least 3 books in this post!
Where I really identify is where you have pinpointed:
– How theological debates often ignore real people, even those present; and
– The heart-attitudes revealed by what we say and how we say it.
IMO Satan is finding at least as much opportunity in those areas as in the actual substance of the debates – which ARE important. But the way we talk to one another alienates people.
Karen, I”m thankful to connect with you here. 🙂 I’m not sure any books are in the future….I’m more a talker than a writer, but I do appreciate your reflection and challenge. It is so important for us to dialogue with grace. You can even see the difference in responses to my post vs. those posted by my brothers. I wish we’d approach them all this way. Blessings sister.
I have just been reading Brent Hobbs’ recent post on this topic, and I am wondering if this post is in response to it.
I believe Jacki wrote this before my article posted. I asked her if she would write about her experience over the past two weeks, so I don’t believe it’s in response to my post, although I appreciate her caution and it caused me to think about how I’ve engaged in the debate.
Interesting.
Hi David,
Thanks for asking. As Brent said, I typed out my post yesterday morning before reading his post today. I have been thankful for the privilege to write and engage some on here last spring and now with today’s post. I’m hopeful that it allows for a different tone and perspective, and I think even from the comments you can see a change in responses. I think more of it is needed. Blessings.
I was recently asked to write on the beginning of Baptist work in Taiwan. Bertha Smith was the first SBC missionary who arrived in Taiwan after leaving China and was followed by several other single female missionaries and couples. Bertha was often described as a person who influenced the early leaders of the CR and they spoke highly of her. Recently one seminary president guided his trustees to fire a female professor who taught Hebrew because women should not teach theology to men. Bertha not only started churches she taught Old Testament to pastors attending the seminary in Taiwan. Others of those women also taught at the seminary in the early days. Dr. Charles Culpepper was the president of the seminary and later taught at Mid-America after retirement. He seemed to have no problem with this practice.
Hey, Jacki. I appreciate this word, and I am grateful for you. Just wanted to know that I hear you. FWIW. Thank you.
Excellent article, Jacki.
I recently took offense to the tone of an article written regarding this matter and unfortunately I responded in my comments in kind to the tone of the article and comments directed my way…..I wish i’d read this yesterday And perhaps i wouldn’t have done that.
While I don’t affirm women preaching in public worship and do fear that public advocacy for such is a pandoras box we as the SBC ought not engage in lest our position on pastoral office and duties be weakened…. My entire ministry has been marked with equipping and encouraging women to minister within the church in myriads of ways based upon their gifts that may even include teaching….I’m not anti woman in ministry.
I also *try* to remember as we discuss this that I’ve never met a woman, nor does one exist anywhere, who isn’t A human being created in the image of God… A person… sometimes – often – our internet dialouges (on just about any subject) treat other *people* as merely words on a screen instead. I’m as guilty as anyone of that.
Thank you for your article.
Jacki, excellent article. I have grieved over the sarcasm, rudeness, and defensiveness we as Southern Baptist have exhibited while discussing our differences. Praying for a time when this will cease.