I’m fresh out of eyerolls for some of the things I see, hear, and read today. I’m deep into the attitude that as a pastor, my day is past in a lot of ways. Not that I couldn’t serve a church again if the Lord so led but that so many things have moved into uncharted territory. Consider me to be an an irascible curmudgeon in semi-retirement and an unreformable one at that.
I have declared that I will pass on all wedding requests. Waaaaaaay to much drama and nonsense afoot on those. I’m keeping family weddings as an exception. Should there be some to come my way, I can easily do those. They can’t fire me from being a father or grandfather. Others, no thanks. Have your destination disaster, your exhibition of absurdity without me.
But funerals and obituaries are still on the table and they can be quite interesting.
A wealthy, transplanted Yankee died recently. He was quite an achiever in several fields and a lifelong smoker who evidently relished the habit. In his obituary that was filled with both personal and professional mentions there appeared the sentence “He smoked his last cigarette.” Interesting. I smoked my first and last cigarette, maybe 1/3 of one, a half a century ago, so I suppose my obit could include the same sentence. Context is everything.
I’m still looking for the stalwart seeker of honesty in funerals. Looks like some families are ahead of the august Reverends in honesty about the dead.
Some emotional distance away from a mention of the deceased’s personal habits is brutal honesty: “She abandoned her children…” Ouch.
Maybe not acceptable for my local paper: “She was the grandmother of a ****load of grandchildren.” (We’re a “G” rated site, brethren). I’m okay with the one that described the dead person as “a connoisseur of root beer and bacon.” My kind of guy.
But a funeral is a time of grief, gratitude, and glory – to repeat a stolen funeral sermon outline that I’ve used many times – and ought to have some respect for the departed, for their family, and for the finality and gravity of death. As God’s representative presiding over a funeral service, there are things I will do and things I will not do. I don’t have to conduct the funeral. The family can always round up someone else if my ways don’t suit them. That’s never happened to my knowledge.
Oddly and unexpectedly, more than half of all deaths these days involve a cremated cadaver. I suppose we pastors ought to try and break the habit of referring to the “body” lying in front of us as we speak. What are the alternatives? “Old friend Bubba, reduced here to a couple of pounds of powerded carbon…” or “He just doesn’t look just like himself…”
Once, at the home of a dear old lady who died and was cremated, the funeral director showed up with the box of ashes. The family had an urn and a transfer had to be made. The director asked if he could borrow a cup to scoop out the ashes and drop into the urn. He got the cup. It was, I assume, a single use item. If he spilled any, and I didn’t stick around for the whole process, what then? Sweep it up? Brush off and forget? Are cremains (it’s a real word, in the dictionary, and has been used since 1947) like the consecrated host, to be treated as sacrosanct?
All that is pretty pedestrian compared to what I’m hearing that pastors are asked to do these days for funerals like wear the jersey of the departed’s favorite football team. What’s next? Holler “WOO PIG SOOEE”? Do the “dirty bird” dance?
Yeah, my day is past…recommend that you be sure and remember to give the Lord a word or two at your next designer funeral.
When my younger brother passed away a few years ago from a stroke his children took his ashes and put them in a bunch of the Skoal cans they found in his house after he died. Apparently there were hundreds of empty Skoal cans in one of the extra bedrooms. These were nicely displayed on a table at the front of the chapel where the body would normally be and offered to anyone who wanted one as something to remember Marvin by. I chose not to take one. But at least half of them were taken! …His kids also put a Budweiser bowtie on the funeral program. …And I preached his funeral with the gospel as clearly as I could indicating that I did not know what my brother’s standing before God was but that they could know by placing their faith in Jesus. In many funerals I officiated over a relative would place a Skoal can or an empty bottle of whiskey in the coffin of a deceased CHURCH MEMBER as they passed by the casket at the end of the funeral. Many funeral homes now have liquor licenses so alcohol can be served during the wake/visitation or after the funeral service. It certainly is a different day!
I suppose that if the funeral service were held in the church sanctuary rather than at the graveside or in the funeral home chapel, then the church would have policies. Sounds like you did a good job in a tough situation.
My best two funeral memories, and remember I’m only 38: There was a man who was cremated and wanted his ashes dumped out of a crop duster. The preacher forgot to turn off his mic, went to the back of the church and asked, “have they dumped him out of that plane yet?” True story.
The other one, the descended’s father wanted to play her favorite song, “Hit me baby one more time,” by Britney Spears as we were rolling the casket out. My pastor put his arm around the father and said, “I don’t think everyone will be in the mood to appreciate that song.” The song wasn’t played. I learned an incredible lesson about grace and tact, and the father is now a member of that church.
Then there are always the families who like to watch the burial. Kinda weird.
I live in Mexico. In Mexico, everyone stays until the grave is completed, and flowers are placed on the mound. And, the attendees help shovel in the dirt. I think this may be based on cultural traditions.
My “favorite” funeral, is such a thing is possible, involved a man who was killed by a runway truck.The brakes failed. I was about 50 feet down the hill when it hit him, so it well could have been me. The family had a mariachi band playing and singing traditional Mexican love ballads, the whole time of the burial. I go every year on Day of the Dead, which is essentially the Mexican Memorial Day, and speak to his family. They know I saw him killed.
If I were able to select a song for my own funeral, it would be, “All Is Well With My Soul.” When I first heard the story of its writing, I got all “goose-bumpy” at the writer’s faith, and still feel that way when I hear that song.
If I may ask what are the opinions about cremation? If a member of your church came and they wanted to know a biblical view of cremation and burial what would you tell them? Thanks
Short answer: nothing prohibits it but it’s not my choice.
Fair enough. Why would you not prefer it?
Care for the body after death in view of the resurrection. It’s a personal preference. Economics, as Dean says, drives this bus.
John Huss, William Tyndale, and John Wycliffe were cremated for Jesus’ sake. Today we are cremated for economic reasons. One is noble the other is practical. Whatever is best for my blessed bride and two sons is my desire for my remains.
Folks have asked me about cremation. I agree with William (always wise) that the Bible does not comment about cremation. When asked, I reply, “Ashes to ashes, dust to dust” (Anglican Church, Book of Common Prayer 1662).
There is a doctoral dissertation at NOBTS that addresses this subject, but I don’t remember the author or title. We use a booklet published by Banner Truth entitled “Burial or Cremation: Does it Matter? by Donald Howard. It has been helpful for our people. Price per copy is about $2.00.
If God can put dust back together, he can put ashes back together. The Catholic church used to have some objections, but that was mostly because the pagan Romans were cremated. The Vatican recently said that cremation was acceptable as long as the it was done with hope of the bodily resurrection and that the ashes are treated respectfully – not shot out of a cannon or left on the mantel at home.
A funeral and burial can easily run $10k+ around here. A cremation is about $700 and the family can have a memorial service at the time and place of their choosing. Most families can’t afford an expensive funeral these days.
I live in Arkansas… the “Hog Call” has already been done in cemeteries here for years. Nope… not joking.
…lately, I’d be embarrassed to say anything but “Shoo, pig.”
…not that I want to start anything…
I want the hog call at my funeral.
What is most bothersome to me at funerals of late is the preponderance of long videos. I attended a funeral where the video was over 20 minutes long! One song is sufficient, I might understand going to two. But that is a long time. Most funerals I do have a video, and they just seem to be getting longer and longer. There was also the one funeral where they play “You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille.” I have heard some of the strangest songs at funerals.
When I was a much younger pastor, a long time ago, I was pastoring in a small town by the beach. I live in Florida. There were always people showing up, often homeless, and lots of substance abuse. Inevitably they would pass away and the family would be called.
I had a good relationship with the funeral director and he would call me to conduct these funerals. One time a man passed away and his two teenage boys from California came for the funeral. They and his girlfriend were the only one there. She told them he loved to fish off an old bridge and would like to have his ashes scattered from said bridge.
I said a few words of comfort not knowing the man, then they started to scatter the ashes. The wind changed just at that time and blew the ashes all over us. Most of us inhaling a goodly amount. Never made that mistake again.
By the way, I agree with you about weddings. Once I retire never doing another one except for family.
I agree with you William about weddings. I would rather not have to do them. I much prefer funerals. Obits aside I haven’t had to deal with “strange” requests about the funeral. I’m personally not comfortable with cremation either, but it does seem to be the new thing. One thing I have noticed is that the family doesn’t want to go the graveside after the funeral. I get it, but I do think there is an opportunity, especially at the grave site, to speak of the hope of those who are asleep in the Lord and that one day the grave will burst open.
I once attended a funeral where there was a 10 minute video played of the deceased playing creepy organ music. The video screenshot was only of his hands moving. Still haunts me today!
A while back a family wanted to drape the casket of the deceased with the Confederate flag. The funeral was in our church. I came into the sanctuary and saw the flag draped over the casket. I went to the brother of the deceased and told him to remove the flag. I told him I would not do the funeral if he did not.
He asked me if they could “ask another preacher to do the funeral.” I said, “Maybe you don’t understand. That flag is not going to be part of this funeral if you intend to have it in this church building.” He took the flag to his truck. We went on with the funeral.
Super. My kind of pastor.