Jeremy Vanatta is the pastor and an elder of Southside Baptist Church in Lebanon, TN. He holds a PhD in New Testament from Mid-America BTS. He blogs at The Threshing Floor, where this article originally appeared.
Here’s an article that I’ve been wanting to write for years, but there’s never seemed to be a good time to do so because I always felt like someone who has left the church recently might think I’m talking about them. But I’ve come to realize that I’ll never be able to write this article if I continue to worry like this because there’s always people coming to and leaving the church.
DISCLAIMER: So, if you’re reading this and feel like I’m targeting you, then please understand that I have no one in particular in mind.
As a person who has grown up in the church and has now pastored for nearly ten years, I’ve heard a lot of people give their reasons for leaving the church. Unfortunately, most of the reasons have been, what I would deem, unbiblical. Here’s my top eight. If you have heard some different ones, feel free to leave a comment.
1. “It’s nothing personal.” This one I’ve heard in combination with some of the other reasons. I don’t think a person who says this really grasps what the church is. The church is God’s chosen people who has been set apart by His grace and redeemed by Jesus. As such, the church is God’s family that loves and serves one another. Therefore, leaving a church, even for biblical reasons, is a deeply personal thing.
2. “I’m not mad at anybody.” This one I’ve heard several times. Most of the times it was in months following an argument or disagreement with another church member(s). Seeing it in others and dealing with my own anger at times, I’ve found that the “I’m not mad” reason is really just a way to make us feel better about ourselves even though our hearts are bitter.
3. “There’s not enough activities for the kids.” This one ranks pretty high on the list among the most frequent reasons for leaving the church, primarily among thirty-somethings. While there is part of me that sympathizes with this one, my ecclesiology kicks in and reminds me that the Bible doesn’t place children/teenagers at the center of church life. When the corporate church gathers it is for the purpose of worship through prayer, preaching, and Holy Communion. “Activities” should be a natural overflow of our worship together and should manifest themselves in living our lives together outside of the corporate gathering. That may mean having an organized children’s/youth program or it might mean children hanging out together while Dad and Mom are hanging out with other church members.
4. “My kids don’t have any friends.” This is similar to the previous one. Again, I have some sympathies here having grown up in a church where I was the only kid who went to school in the next county over. The friendships I had through church were never as deep as they could have been had I went to school with them, but at the end of the day it’s still no reason to leave a church. The Bible doesn’t place children/teenagers at the center of church life. Besides, children are under the authority of their parents. Parents that move churches based primarily on their child’s wants are making a grave mistake. At the least, they are teaching their children that church is all about getting what we want out of it rather than finding ways to serve others. It’s a very self-serving attitude.
5. “I don’t like the preaching.” This is one that I’ve heard several times, sometimes referring to my pastor’s preaching and sometimes referring to my own! There’s nothing more humbling than being told “your preaching stinks.” Sometimes leaving the church because of the preaching is a good thing, if that preaching is unbiblical or if the pastor is biblically unqualified. But even in these cases, I would say that patience and loving dialogue with your pastor is prerequisite to you leaving. In my experience, most of the people who say “I don’t like the preaching” are under deep conviction of sin as result of the preaching. I’m not sure if I could say that anyone I’ve known who has used this reason had a passion for knowing and obeying the Bible.
6. “I don’t like the music.” This one is like the previous. If the music is unbiblical or the person(s) leading the music is biblically unqualified, then leaving the church might be acceptable. But again, patience and loving dialogue with church leadership is prerequisite. But in my experience, people who have left the church over the music have been generally selfish. They want the songs that they want played on the kind of instruments that they want without taking into account the preference of the rest of the church. Worship is not about “me”. It’s about “we,” God’s people gathering together to worship HIM!
7. “It’s just time to move on.” I’ve heard this one a lot over the years. It’s probably the most troubling because you generally know your fellow church members well enough to know that it’s really a cover for, “I’m not happy,” or “Someone hurt my feelings,” or something similar.
8. Don’t just disappear. This one is the most frustrating and probably the most selfish. For the church, it’s like having a limb removed without anesthesia because the person who leaves doesn’t prepare the church for the pain but simply cuts the body. I understand that some people have a hard time with good-byes, but no matter how hard it can be, love says “good-bye.” For others, they’re embarrassed about leaving, possibly because they have one of the other 7 “reasons” for leaving.
In the end, a few minutes of good-bye tears will be much more therapeutic than the days, weeks, or even years of bitterness that can result from just disappearing from the body. My suggestion is that you talk to your pastor(s), your small group, and your closest friends about the possibility of leaving and ask for their prayers. This simple step can go a long way toward a less painful departure.
In light of all of these reasons people give for leaving a church, might I offer some biblical reasons one might leave?
1. The Word of God is held in little esteem. The church may say it believes the Bible but few people are demonstrating hunger and thirst for it. The preacher may say he preaches the Bible but his sermons are really not much more than reading a text and departing never to return thereafter; or reading a string of texts that may or may not be related; or continually preaching “turn or burn messages” that appear more hateful than helpful.
2. The driving force is something other than Jesus Himself. The church may say Jesus is its main priority but it turns to forms of entertainment, manipulation, and various other shenanigans rather than relying on the power of the Holy Spirit to both attract an audience and convert a people for Jesus’ glory. Some may say this is too passive of a view. To the contrary, it is only by the power of the Holy Spirit that we are enabled to be the church: preaching, teaching, worshipping, praying, giving, and serving one another. Jesus said that unbelievers will know that we’re His disciples by our love for one another (Jn.13:35), not by how entertaining of an event we can put on. [For the record, I’m not against programs and events, but I am against them if our trust is in them rather than the power of the Spirit]
3. The majority of interpretations of Scripture are rooted in legalism rather than grace. The church may say that it believes in salvation by God’s grace alone but the “air” may be thick with legalism: do this/don’t do that; shape up or ship out; turn or burn; be present every time the doors are open; you can’t wear this; you can’t drink that . . . .
4. Holy living is sparse at best. While legalism is satanic, holy living is Jesus-like. We cannot save ourselves or stay saved by being good enough, yet all believers who have been justified by faith will live a godly life by the power of the indwelling Holy Spirit. The church may say that they believe in holy living by God’s grace, but the “air” may be thick with carnality–”holy” on Sunday but helly the rest of the week!
I hope this helps us minister to our fellow church members who are considering a church change. May God grant us grace to be biblical in our decision making when it comes to whether we stay or go.
Soli Deo Gloria,
Jeremy Vanatta
A friend suggested that they changed churches every 10 years or so. His reason was that he did not want to get to feeling like he should be running things or things should run like he wanted them to. This sounds sort of cold as I write it, but I know exactly what he is talking about.
Maybe there were some other reasons too. They have been active in “the new” church for over 20 years now.
Just went through this. I’ll start with the end of the story first. I absolutely agree with number 8 (Don’t disappear). As I was on the leadership team (volunteer associate pastor), I was able to “announce” my departure during the service and say my goodbyes for the next 15-30 minutes. My wife and I looked people in the eye and told them honestly that we loved them.
The difficulty comes in parsing out your valid reasons for leaving, specifically number 2. The church we left is a nine year old non-denom. We came in year three to join the leadership team primarily because it was local and we knew some of the leadership team. It was birthed out of a anti-institutional church paradigm with a purpose driven framework. For the first several years it was a thriving hub of community outreach and great body fellowship. Then the cracks in the senior pastor leadership ability (and his marriage) appeared. His inability to handle the normal confrontations took their toll as he micromanaged piddly things and neglected the greater things. After several years of bleeding our most entrepreneurial leaders, we left and went back to the regional SBC megachurch we had left on good terms to join this team.
That being said, some of the reasons we left DID have to do with our children. We were not looking just for pizza parties and movie nights. In fact, I was the youth pastor up until we left..The fact was, our church did not engage with each other outside of the 1 hour and 30 minutes of the Sunday morning experience. No Sunday school, minimal small groups. There was very few people who wanted to engage families at all. This “attitude” was led by the example of the senior pastor. For the full nine years of this church, he had never seen (nor cared to see) what was going on in the children and youth areas. This was not a large church, roughly 200 attendance at its peak, so it’s not that big of a time commitment to get a picture of what ministry is going on under your responsibility and care.
To your point about trusting in something other than Christ…Up until we left, he continually said that his method of doing church worked once before, so he knows it will work again.
Yes, I have hurt feelings from this experience. Yes, I do feel some issues were personal. Yes, I did feel my family was not being encouraged to follow Christ by the rest of the body. And yes, I did feel it was time to move on.
Mike, it sounds like you had a genuine spiritual discernment through this process. My article definitely does not cover all the potential situations or issues. Since this article was originally posted on my blog, it’s primarily geared toward the “people in the pews.” Being a part of the leadership team changes the dynamic. I’ve been through similar ministerial situations. I’m sorry for the negative experiences you had with that church.
Blessings, Jeremy
RE #5: “I don’t like the preaching,” you said, “‘In my experience, most of the people who say “I don’t like the preaching” are under deep conviction of sin as result of the preaching.'” I don’t know you at all Jeremy but … Seriously? Are you kidding dude? Did you actually write that? Preaching is supposed to afflict the comfortable and comfort the afflicted. It’s supposed to convict of sin. Your response sounds contrived and arrogant. In the churches I’ve attended, I’ve heard some of the lamest excuses for preaching anywhere. Preachers say some of the most juvenile, uneducated, un-biblical things from the pulpit, and most of their congregations don’t even know it because they’ve been sitting under lame excuses for preaching all their lives. Our latest was this response from the pastor who had been preaching at various churches for 25 years. He said, when confronted with the news that we just couldn’t tolerate the utter lack of depth in the preaching one more Sunday, was “Well, I’m trying to reach people at the seventh grade level.” Yeah — well, we were looking to *get* convicted and never found it — probably because nothing convicted him! It’s probably much more likely that people are leaving churches because they’re NOT getting deeply convicted of sin in the sermon. You’d think in 25 years of preaching a pastor might be able to preach a sermon that could convict some adult of some sin. Most preachers these days couldn’t convict a fly.
twiliter59Rick,
I’m not sure why you chose to be so dismissive and harsh to what Jeremy said in #5. Seriously, he did write that and is not kidding. What he said was purely anecdotal. Could it not be true in his experience and not in yours since I suspect you two have been in totally different contexts, or are only your experiences, twiliter59Rick, the canon of reality?
I agree with Jeremy that people get uncomfortable and often turned off when we tread on their own sins, especially those that have become socially accepted. Either they have to change, or the preacher has to be changed by either running him off or leaving themselves. You’d better bet that last one happens more often than you’d like to admit.
It’s a shame God has not sent better preachers your way over the years. Perhaps if they had had a better congregation behind them, praying for them, encouraging them, and loving them, they would have gotten better. Who knows, maybe he’ll call you to preach just to humble you.
From 1986 until 2004 my ministry was to troubled and dysfunctional churches. In each of them, what I heard over and over was along the lines of “Why can’t we ever get a good preacher?” I never said this to the congregation at large, though to select members I have said along the lines of, “Sometimes a preacher and a congregation are not a good match, despite fervent prayer on the parts of both. But if you can’t ‘ever’ get a good preacher, maybe the problem isn’t in the preacher. Maybe it’s that ‘good’ preachers avoid dysfunctional churches like the plague–if such churches are not a man’s calling, he should avoid them. Or maybe it’s that the preaching you want and the preaching you need are two different things.” A lot of these congregations I have served wanted “strong evangelistic preaching,” when an unsaved person would not be caught dead there, and hearing such messages avoided any chance of conviction on the part of the congregation. Or they wanted to hear sermons about other folk’s sins, such as sermons on the evils of homosexuality when there was not a homosexual to be found in rock-throwing distance of the church building. And by the way twiliter59Rick, I disagree with your understanding of the purpose of preaching, at least somewhat. I would say that the goal of preaching is to proclaim the good news of Jesus Christ. THAT my friend is Biblical. Sometimes that involves conviction, yes, but it is wider than that, and wider even than afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted. No offense, but it sounds to me as though you are allowing your culture to dictate your understandings rather than the Word.
John Fariss
Thanks for the good reply John. As for your take on “wider even than afflicting the comfortable and comforting the afflicted,” take it up with Spurgeon, that’s his statement, not mine. I’m sure Spurgeon is better qualified than both of us on that. His understanding of preaching covers a lot of ground. If you’re comfortable in your sins and don’t trust Christ, you need to be convicted that because of them God will pour His wrath out; If you’re comfortable in your sins and you do trust Christ — you’d better check the mirror; and if you’re miserable in your trials and persecutions while trusting in Christ, you need to be comforted in the hope that’s found only in Him. As for Preachers avoiding dysfunctional churches — I thought a man took a church position because it was the Lord’s calling on His life — not his own calling on which church he should serve. Why should a man avoid a church the Lord has called him to? If that were the case, there would have been no reason to start a church in Corinth. And what church isn’t partially dysfunctional? It’s filled with sinners! If the Church is dysfunctional, I’d put at least half the blame on the elders and leadership for allowing it to continue to be that way. The Good News of Jesus Christ is that He saves sinners from their sin, and the hope found in Him is greater than any temporal persecution. He is the center and focus of all the Gospel — if he has saved you, you are blessed. If he hasn’t, you’re not, no matter how comfortable you are. Any person that leaves a church because a pastor’s sermons continuously convict them of their sin probably are tares and shouldn’t be there anyway.
First Rick, I would say that not only is Spurgeon not Jesus, he is not even a man of our time, and consequently, what may (or may not) have been an adequate reply 150 years ago is not necessarily so today. Consequently, I have no desire to “take it up” with him–in fact, if he replies, I’m probably leaving. Second, your statement, “As for Preachers avoiding dysfunctional churches — I thought a man took a church position because it was the Lord’s calling on His life — not his own calling on which church he should serve. Why should a man avoid a church the Lord has called him to?” I think misses my point. A preacher should avoid any church to which God does not call him, and neither church nor preacher knows God’s will until they investigate it. Some are called to one type of church, some to another. Just as some are called to rural or urban or suburban churches, to county seat churches college town churches or military base town churches or megachurches, to all-white or racially mixed churches, or whatever, some are called to minister to dysfunctional churches, and others are not. I had a math teacher in junior high school, who was eventually made principal at a near-by high school. They ate him alive! His temperment and calling was not suitable to a high school, but he flourished when transferred to an elementary school. The same is true with preachers. The fact that we are called does not mean “one size fits all,” that any of us can fill any pulpit in any church.
John
John — What are you talking about? I didn’t say or suggest remotely that Spurgeon was Jesus. I think you missed my point by a longer distance. I’m suggesting that whichever church the Lord calls a man to, whether it be dysfunctional or otherwise — he can minister effectively there *because* he’s been called there. If he’s called there by the Lord — he doesn’t need to use the excuse that they’re not getting it because *they’re dysfunctional.* If he has not been called by the Lord — that’s undoubtedly the excuse he will use. And John… saying that ” A preacher should avoid any church to which God does not call him, and neither church nor preacher knows God’s will until they investigate it,” might be better expressed like this: Don’t even think for one second about *avoiding* a church you haven’t been called to; NOPE! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE IF HE HASN’T CALLED YOU THERE. And Dale — Go Ducks!
Rick,
Did you literally say Spurgeon was Jesus? Of course not. It’s called “hyperbole.” What you did say was that Spurgeon was more “qualified” than either of us to know what preaching was. I have no problem with you saying he is more qualified than you, but please don’t speak for me. I put my pants on one leg at the time, same as he did. Furthermore, while he may have been a very articulate man of his time, his time has passed, and even in his time, he would not have claimed to be the ultimate authority. Hence. . . the hyperbole.
There is no more any such thing as a partly dysfunctional church than there is a partly pregnant woman. There are degrees of dysfunction, just as there are degrees of healthy. Frankly, I do not think you really understand what a dysfunctional church is–and I hope you never experience it. Consultants (at least some, those I am familiar with) rate churches on a scale of 1 to 5, where “1” is your average church which has occasional arguments and disagreements, and a “5” is where fistfights are breaking out. The last dysfunctional church I served was a 4.5 on that scale. And at such a church, it may sound good and reasonable and pious to suggest that, “whichever church the Lord calls a man to, whether it be dysfunctional or otherwise — he can minister effectively there *because* he’s been called there,” but in my experience, that does not line up with reality, nor do I know of any Bible verse that directly supports such a claim. Dysfunctional churches, like dysfunctional families, find a certain equilibrium, work hard to maintain it, and resist efforts to change it, even if the change is for the better. I suspect that were you to see a dysfunctional church in action, up close and personal, you might back off that statement, at least a little.
John
Just think John — someday, when you get 5,000 people to hear you preach on Sunday — you’ll be halfway to where Spurgeon was! I wonder if he ever thought, ya know, piously …. “I’d say this Church is about a 3.8 on the Fariss Dysfunctional scale.” Nah … prolly not.
This is really not a helpful conversation guys. Why don’t we drop it.
We are all of us imperfect vessels. No one gets it right all the time. Sometimes the preacher is the problem. Sometimes James’ admonition to be “doers of the Word and not hearers only” goes unheeded, thus the hearers have the problem. It is the Holy Spirit’s work to use the preaching to convict and point people to Jesus. Sometimes that happens in spite of our worst efforts. I pray every week that God will take the “loaves and fishes” about to be offered up and perform a miracle with it. My best efforts will never be enough. That’s why our hope is in the crucified and risen Christ.
Dale, I agree whole-heartedly. I often “chant” to myself “speak the truth in love” in preparation to preach. Thanks for your comment.