My real name is John Earle Patrick, Jr. It’s on my driver’s license and diplomas, but I’ve always gone by the nickname “Rick.” Long story short: my grandfather, Earle Patrick, went by the nickname “Pat” all his life, and to avoid confusion with my father’s name, my nickname took the other half of our surname, and I’ve always gone by “Rick.”
However, I now believe it is time for me to change my legal name, since it is offensive on so many levels.
Let us begin by examining my first name “John.” As you may know, john is slang for both a toilet and a prostitute’s customer. This is clearly unacceptable and has hindered my acceptance by others as early as the kindergarten playground, when I was subject to much abuse for having such a moniker.
Next comes the British spelling of the name “Earle.” While a traditional part of family lore, who needs tradition, right? It also seems to signify a kind of elitist British connotation, due to the fact that an earl is an Anglo-Saxon title of nobility. I neither want to offend (a) the lower classes, nor (b) those with origins other than Anglo-Saxon.
Third comes the surname “Patrick.” This is actually Scotch-Irish in origin, as were my ancestors. Two problems surface immediately with regard to this name. First, the Scotch were fond of drinking their Scotch whiskey. I can testify to the fact that many family members were indeed quite fond of the beverage. They were neither moderationists nor abstentionists. I grieve their sins and would like to publicly apologize to all those who were affected by their substance abuse, as well as their descendants, who also suffered from the consequences of my ancestors’ alcoholism. The second problem has to do with the Scottish kilt. At a Scottish Heritage Museum, I learned the phrase “A man in a kilt is a man and a half!” Apparently, they were proud of the rugged and masculine tradition of wearing kilts. However, in today’s world they frankly resemble a woman’s skirt, and I do not want others to think of me as a cross dresser.
Finally, there is the matter of “Junior.” For evidence that this description is pejorative, I simply invite you to view the third Indiana Jones film, in which Indiana’s father refers to him as “Junior,” a term he hates with a passion until his father finally calls him Indiana when he’s about to yield to the temptation of the Holy Grail. Junior seems diminutive, unimportant and of lesser quality or value.
Clearly, I need a new name. My current one reeks of toilets, prostitutes, drinking, cross dressing, elitism and inferiority — all at the same time. How can I possibly witness to others today, lead anyone to Jesus or preach the gospel? My name hinders my ministry. I need a new one.
Help me out, SBC Voices! Call me some names!
How about Southern Baptist Patrick?
I hear the name might be available soon.
You know, it kinda has a nice ring to it.
Lots of baggage and if you ever move to Iowa, you’ll need to change it again.
If I ever move to Iowa, I’ll just accept whatever name the witness protection program assigns me.
That’s it !!!
The witness protection program is pretty good at coming up with new names!
The SBC could hire them as consultants.
lol…good one, Rick!
LOL!!!!
Probably something unassuming like “Dave”…
You’re all a bunch of jerks.
Brilliant!
Megatron, now try to witness to people and see if they can keep a straight face…
Do some market research… set up a “Name that Guy’ website.
funny!
Appeal to Ridicule?
X = Rick’s ridiculous reasons to change his name.
Therefore, C = [The SBC should not change its name]?
Hmmm…
Rick, do you also have personal resolutions on things like racism, etc.?
You are, essentially, describing Jon Stewart’s career.
I got Rick’s sarcasm and I don’t think it is a legitimate argument against the name change.
However, I think the premise is pretty funny and we can just enjoy the ride. I doubt anyone’s opinion is going to be changed by this, but I thought it was witty and fun.
Mark,
I intended the article as a form of gentle sattire, based on the premise that, sometimes, changing one’s name simply to avoid offending others may not be worth the trouble.
As to your question regarding personal resolutions on racism, I can only say that I am opposed to racism but have never drawn up an official resolution pertaining to it.
Have a blessed day!
I’ve kept my dog out of this fight ’cause I really don’t care one way or another what the SBC does with its name, or the supposed politics or lack there of behind the appointment of a powerless committee… not to mention the fact that what the SBC calls itself has zero actual impact on the ministry of my church in my community…
but…
Come on, if we can’t on occasion use ridicule and/or sarcasm in arguments then 2 Corinthians, Jude, and 2 Peter don’t need to be in the Bible…
Mike,
Thanks for jumping in and using the Bible to defend sarcasm. I have two teenage sons, and I think those three Bible books must be their favorites!
Look, Howell also recently wrote a post about a personal name change in relation to the SBC. My apologies for not immediately grasping the sarcasm.
So, Mikey, how about a little grace on your part?
I submit the name Rick Shady.
How about Maewyn Succat?
Watch your language, young man.
Ah, Saint Patrick’s pagan name. Well done, Doug! No wonder he changed it. I’m just worried about that pronunciation. The kids on the playground (er, Tennis Court) will start saying that I really “Succat” hitting backhand shots, a statement which is altogether true, but clearly an appeal to ridicule which hurts my feelings.
Tell them you know where the snakes are, and that you’ll bring them back if people aren’t nice to you.
‘Maewyn Succat’ is not as bad as ‘Eustace Clarence Scrubb’
There are worse choices.
Much worse.
Keep in mind, Eustace Clarence almost deserved that name.
Ah, discovered !
Good old C.S. Lewis . . .
now if HE were still alive, the SBC could hire him to come up with a new name . . . something ‘Narnian’ and wonderful !
Aslan Baptist Convention?
Lion’s Mane Baptist Cooperative?
Great article Rick … I laughed out loud. My last name is “Hale” … I’ll trade with you??
I once had a Sunday School teacher who years before had broken up with a girl named Grace and started to date a girl named Eleanor, whom they called “El” for short.
His buddies started kidding him that he had “fallen from Grace and gone to El.”
I think with the way they pronounce “Hale” here in Alabama, I’ll just stick with Patrick.
Very, very funny and good, Rick. I also may need to change my name, as well. AFter all, one of my ancestors was a pirate off the Carolina coast…Richard Worley. I mean, a pirate! Also, I’m related to Darryl Worley, who is a country music singer. He has songs about liquor, women, and such as that. Also, the name “Worley” originated in England, and it came from the last name “Worles,” which means a “hermit that lives in the woods.”
So, if I’m ever gonna be a good Pastor, and be able to reach people; I’d better change my name, too. All that history and such attached to it, and all. You know what I’m talking about.
David Worley….errr, uuhhh…Ricardo Montalban
PS. I say change your name to Whoopi Patrick. That would be great!
You know, when you try to teach poetry to middle schoolers, they aren’t very good at rhyme, but when you give them a classmate named “Bart”…
Brother,
I’m so sorry for their “appeal to ridicule.” My nickname “Rick” gave middle schoolers a little something to work with as well.
The oldest woman in our church is named Angie Butt. She has a daughter named Iva.
I am not making this up.
Thanks Captain David! In my head I will be singing the Veggie Tales classic, “We are the pirates who don’t do anything” for the rest of the day! Extra props for working in a Fantasy Island reference! And I may have to take you up on the whole Whoopi suggestion. I hear that Whoopi Goldberg is very popular up north among those who cringe at the very mention of certain denominational gatherings.
Let’s just say that after all that, you decide it is not worth it to change your name after all these years. Then one day, you find out a few of the patriarchs in the Patrick family decide the name must be changed….without asking your opinion first……:o)
Ah, well done, Lydia. It stands to reason that some of us might decide to keep the name Patrick after all, even if the patriarchs convince the majority of us to change the name.
This is the kind of thing that could conceivably divide the entire family. We better proceed with the utmost caution.
Rick, you could always go to the original form of ‘Patrick’,
the Roman name ‘Patricius’
Sounds like Patricia…I may have to wear those kilts after all!
To the Minister Formerly Known as Rick,
Do you have any ancestors that were ever involved in slavery? If so, you definitely need to change your name.
Interesting how easy it is to ridicule most any name.
David R. Brumbelow
To the Bum Below,
I see your point concerning the ease with which we may take most any name and relegate it as inferior.
And yes, since my ancestors are all buried in what is now a poor and remote part of South Carolina where agriculture and slavery were extremely prominent in the 1800’s, I must now abandon my name, my heritage and my identity.
Rick,
How dare ridicule my name.
David R. Buffalo
That’s,
How dare “you” ridicule my name!
David R. Buffalo
I’m sorry, Bumblebee.
Rick,
I was called “Worleybird” a lot. Also, I was called “Red” every now and then. But, it was nothing compared to what you and Bart must have heard. Wow! lol
David
So I guess those of us women who married shouldn’t have changed our last names.
Score one for Debbie!
Although in some circumstances you could hardly blame a girl for refusing. Have you ever seen “The Wedding Singer?” Drew Barrymore’s character Julia is engaged to a real jerk. There’s a great scene where she’s looking into the mirror and practicing the way she will introduce herself at parties: “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Julia Goolia.”
🙂
Rick,
Excellent use of satire to make your point. I wrote a similar post last week about my name and heritage. Funny thing is, I never used my first name until I got to college at George Washington University in Washington, D.C. Around all those “yankees” from New York, New Jersey, and the New England states, I tried to use my middle name. When my fraternity brothers gave me the pledge name “Cups,” I knew I was fighting a losing battle. Never had a problem after that with my first name and none of my northern fraternity brothers or friends ever took the slightest issue with my very southern name. Go figure. Thanks and God bless,
Dixie Howell Scott, II
Dear Dixie Cup,
Would it help if I mentioned that the wife of our late Pastor Emeritus was known as “Miss Dixie?” She was dearly loved.
Also, please tell Thurston and Lovie I hope they make it off the island in time for a nice vacation in Maine. Surely the Howell side of the family consists of wealthy northerners.
My dad’s mother was a mean woman who also happened to be bedfast and in the later stages of dementia……I was nearly 10 years of before I found out my name wasn’t Sonny Beach.
Try discussing theology with people when your name is John Calvin. I long ago changed to John C.
For electing to atone for that name, I find the idea of awarding you five points totally irresistible.
God has names we do not know. I think we have new names in glory.
Good point, Sal. His is the Name Above All Names and He alone possesses the authority to change our names without asking for permission.
When we use the construct ” to keep from offending others” we are intentionally or not thinking about sacrificing our rights to salve the opinions of others who might or might not change their views. It’s a self centered and injury centered view of a organzational change.
On the other hand when we think about the best name to accomplish our mission, we are no longer victims, no longer the injured minority striving against powerful external forces but we are people acting in accordance with their deepest convictions toward their most important goals.
I would change my name to Richard Simmons if I thought it would bring one lost soul to salvation in Christ.
However, since I do not believe that changing my name will advance my “deepest convictions toward” my “most important goals” I’m just going to keep serving Jesus with the name that I have right now.
There are those who have a low view of my name, but rather than changing my name to accommodate them, I would rather live in such a way that they change their view.
In other words, I can keep my name and show them that it means something other than what they originally thought.
I feel like I need to award Rick, or whatever his name is going to be, a gold star for this post!
Dave!
That’s nearly an emoticon!
No. No its not.
Goodness that’s a large emoticon !
Emoticon: Iconic and graphic expression of a personal position. Yep. It qualifies. :o)
I am still laughing over Lovie and Thurston Howell…the Third. I have not thought of them in ages.
Thanks, Dave. Right now, it’s a close call between Dixie Eustace and Whoopi the Pirate!
Don’t change your name. It isn’t the right time. There are legal hassles. It will cost money. There will never be agreement on your new name. People don’t like change. People who liked your old name will be offended. If it was good enough for your ancestors it is good enough for you. Don’t give in to the Calvinists.
Big Mac,
Thanks for your strong exhortation. I think I will take your advice. And now I have a strange craving for two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions….on a sesame seed bun.
Great. Now I do also.