Yesterday William Thornton wrote about The Bizzare Cases of Strangers Speaking at Funerals. William recommended against “the growing trend of an informal, almost ad hoc service where various family members and friends may speak as well as the minister or ministers”. The article had a number of points about funerals that I would affirm as good advice – like making sure the gospel is clearly presented, and making sure you learn about the life of the deceased and include that in your message.
I thought it was worth some gentle pushback on the open mic time, however. I would estimate about half of the funerals I do have included a time of inviting anyone present to speak. I’ve never had a bad experience or a funeral go wrong because of including that element. The vast majority of time I’ve found it to be an very encouraging and memorable time for the family.
When I sit down with a family to plan a funeral, I take a sample service order that includes several optional elements at the bottom. I let the family know they are welcome to include any of those they prefer, and one of those options is an open mic time for family and friends. I allow them to choose if the mic will be completely open to anyone present or if they would like to pre-select a certain number of family and friends who will speak (that’s not technically an open mic time, but it’s close in the way it practically works out).
I haven’t gone back and counted, but I would guess half or more of the services I’ve done, the family has asked to include that optional element. I think it’s more common now for families to include that than it was 9 years ago when I started pastoring, but that’s just my sense.
Setup Is Key
I believe one of the reasons it’s worked well in services I’ve done is that it’s planned well and we have an emergency exit plan. First, I ask the family during our planning meeting if they have a couple family members who will want to speak, to at least one of them to be ready to go first. That avoids a long, awkward wait in a “who’s going to go first?” holding pattern. So ahead of time, I normally already know of two or three people who are planning to speak.
Second, near the beginning of the service, I let people know there will be “a time later for anyone who would like to share some thoughts about…” That way people have a few minutes to get their thoughts together.
Third, I introduce the time with some specific instructions (I almost have this part memorized): “We ask that you keep your comments relatively brief so that plenty of people will have an opportunity to speak and, of course, make sure whatever you decide to share is appropriate for this occasion.” This gives me an emergency exit plan. If someone were to go on too long, or if someone were to branch off in an area that’s inappropriate or uncomfortable, I am ready and willing to intervene with a firm but kind, “Thank you sister Margaret, let’s make sure others have an opportunity to speak.” I’ve never had to do that, but I’m always ready and let the family know ahead of time if it goes off the rails I’m prepared to handle the situation.
Allow it to Develop Naturally
Allow there to be some silence between speakers without feeling awkward. This adds to the authenticity of the moment. Some family members will cry while they speak. Let them know ahead of time people will understand and will appreciate their desire to speak at such a difficult time. After enough people have spoken, close down the time and thank everyone who spoke for their words.
People understand the unscripted nature of that time during a service so I don’t feel the need to police or correct theology on the spot. It’s an opportunity for people to speak their own thoughts. If there is some unbiblical sentiment expressed, I always have the time later in the service to gently, indirectly remind people of what the Bible teaches. This is actually one of the biggest advantages, one of the reasons I most like including open mic time…
I Read from the Bible
It’s not unusual for a family member to ask me to read a letter or poem as a part of the service. I’m sure most pastors have experienced that as well. I’ve found that most funeral poetry isn’t the kind of thing I’m comfortable endorsing. When I’m asked, I don’t even read the content before I respond with, “When I read in funerals, I read from the Bible.” I don’t want to sit with a grieving family critiquing the theology of line 6 of the needlepoint craft they’ve had hanging in their house since they were kids, for example. So whether it’s good theology or not, I decline kindly and offer that if one of their family members or friends would like to read something, they can feel free to do that during the open mic time. I’ve never had a family push back on that suggestion. I remind them cousin Richard would probably be honored if you asked him to read something during the service. (In cases of seriously unbiblical theology, I would let the family know I don’t recommend having that as part the service and offer an alternative, but I’ve never had anyone want anything like that, it’s usually just atheological therapeutic thoughts, which are not necessarily bad, in context, in proportion, and I know I’m going to give a strong gospel presentation during my message.)
So having the open mic time gives an informal outlet to those who want to participate but don’t need to be a part of the formal service structure. It allows a meaningful and encouraging time for the family. It provides a natural and comfortable time for people to talk and express their grief in a way that honors their loved one. There is an informality to the time that I usually sense to be a welcome relief of tension in the funeral service. It helps me before I preach to hear about the life of the one I’m about to speak about. I consider my job in leading a funeral to have two main goals: (1) honor the memory of the person who’s gone and (2) preach Jesus and his gospel. Open mic time has never once detracted from either of those goals.
We all have developed and adjusted our preferences and policies. Sometimes making firm rules and sometimes relaxing the rules that we have. I appreciate that you have given a lot of thought to how you manage these things.
I didn’t recommend against it. It would be tough, perhaps impossible, to declare by pastoral fiat that this isn’t allowed. What I said was that the trend of designer funerals with the “almost ad hoc” stuff “mildly worries me” and with good reason based on a few hundred funerals. I’d note that if you have an open mic time during the time when the service is held, it cannot not be a part of the formal funeral service structure. It’s there. You’re there. Family’s there. It’s scheduled. It might be the most memorable part of the funeral. Years later, no one remembers a syllable of what the preacher said but Aunt Goofball or Uncle Idiot had to get in their act as if the service was about them and that’s the memory. Hey, no one said being a pastor wasn’t interesting or entertaining at times. I don’t know that you can do a lot about it. I’ve had to put a monitor on a family member a few times and wish I had had a way to put an electric dog collar on more than a few other pastors with whom I’ve shared a service.
I used to never attend or be involved with a funeral where others than the minister(s) and musicians participated. Seems like a recent development. The sharing of stories and anecdotes by family and friends about the deceased had a natural forum at the home when friends and family would gather or at the funeral home visitation time or at a meal later. Now, That said, it’s just something to deal with.
I’m with you, William. Open mic time is asking for trouble. As a pastor, the last thing I want to have to worry about after the funeral is offending the family because I let someone speak who did something crazy, or I had to interrupt someone for speaking too long.
I appreciate your thoughts concerning open mic time at a funeral. I too have used this as a time for friends to say a few words. I recall when I was asked to a service for a friend from my high school days.
I wasn’t sure if he was born again, but during the share time, a man stood up and proclaimed he knew wher Ken was, because it had been this gentleman’s honor to lead Ken to accept Jesus as Savior.
I was happy to hear those words, and I had no problem on how to conclude the message.
I never have an open mic time at a funeral unless the family brings it up and wants to do so. I never suggest it. But if they request it, I allow it.
But I understand that pastors are going to deal with these things differently, and sometimes on a case by case basis.
I agree strongly that a pastor should always present the plan of salvation at a funeral service.
We all have funeral stories to tell. Pastors should write them down for posterity.
I’ve written a few things about obituaries and funerals at:
http://gulfcoastpastor.blogspot.com/2012/02/preparing-obituary-and-funeral-service.html
David R. Brumbelow
Nearly 100% of the really awkward moments at funerals happen during these times. People say things that are just not appropriate, ramble on for too long, and it can be messy. It also provides some of the more poignant and moving moments.
I try to lobby for the family to select a few people to share – preselected and prepared – rather than spontaneous and extemporaneous.
Since I moved here to Western Iowa, I’ve seen more and more of what we call “Prayer Services” – odd name since we don’t pray but share memories. I think it comes from the predominant Catholic culture, where they pray for the souls of the departed. Anyway, we often gather the night before the funeral and have a time of open sharing during the family visitation at the funeral home.
This is a good compromise. Gives more solemnity to the funeral and gives people a chance to share.
I’ve done funerals in Florida, Virginia, Eastern Iowa and now Western Iowa. I only saw these “prayer services” after I moved here. Have they become common elsewhere, too?
It’s strictly informal but that sort of thing happens at the home either before or after the funeral and burial. The church folks and friends have supplied a truckload of food and family and friends gather. Sharing of memories is spontaneous and casual.
I don’t object to offering some funeral service options including open mic as Brent does but it will never be my practice.
One notes that the codgers (Brumbelow, Miller, Thornton) have similar thoughts. Could be superior wisdom…or just curmudgeonly old school thinking.
I do all I can to dissuade against it. If the family requests it, I suggest having a family friend or two prepared instead. If they still want it, I’ll relent but not comfortably.
I’ve had bad theology (heaven gained another angel). I’ve had a comment from a lady who seemed to be high about how she didn’t understand why the man took his life because he had a new girlfriend and was so happy (his wife, whom he was separated from, and 12yo son were sitting front and center). I’ve opened the floor and had no one get up to share (which is just awkward). Etc.
Open Mic is the most dreaded part of a funeral for me.
“I try to lobby for the family to select a few people to share – preselected and prepared – rather than spontaneous and extemporaneous.”
This is the way I do it too…I press pretty hard for it this way – but if they insist on popcorn speakers…I encourage it to be a family member. I do not let popcorns have a mic…and they speak from their location in the sanctuary not from the podium or pulpit area.
But in the end – sometimes it is what it is and we have to roll with it.
Our church has a Book of Life on display in the atrium. It contains people’s typed or written testimonies of their salvation experience. When each member passes we check to see if they have written their testimony out and if they have we share their own testimony at their funeral.
That is awesome, Dean!
Very cool.
May steal this idea…
Love this!
Today I will conduct a Funeral for a man I never met. I do not know any of the family members. I just learned of this opportunity yesterday. I focus on two distinct areas in a funeral. 1) I seek to offer appropriate comfort and condolences to the family due to the loss of their loved one. 2) I speak to the living and present the Gospel as clearly and compellingly as is possible in such a setting.
Open Mic – A pastor friend of mine did a funeral for a lady he had never met. 3 family members asked to speak at the service. The first two went fine. The third, a young man, began and stumbled around for a few minutes. Then he said,’I am glad Grandma loved unconditionally – – “because I am a homosexual!!” He used his Grandmothers funeral as a ‘coming out opportunity. The chaos that followed requires a book length epistle to describe.
I urge caution and diligent preparation if you are going to have ‘open mic’.
wow… talk about selfishly stealing the spotlight…
I think the open mic trend goes along with “celebration of life” trend. Few people hold “funerals” anymore.
While we are so busy “celebrating” and honoring their memory, we also keep our people from being able to grieve well due to a veneer of sentimentality.
This is why preaching the gospel, including the tragedy of sin and death, is particularly important in these times. Open mic times, celebrating a life, remembering their life: all of these can be helpful and therapeutic, but they are tending to take over the traditional funeral, where we grieve, hear the gospel, and sing Oh God Our Help In Ages Past.
Bill,
My wife’s sister in law recently passed away. My brother in law and her used to be really active in church and with the youth but they stopped going anywhere for about 20 years.
They had a celebration of life ceremony and had a cousin who claimed to be an evangelical minister do the service at the funeral home.
Being family he told alot of negative stories that he assumed where funny. (No one I talked to thought they were).
No mention of God or Jesus or the Gospel. A mix of secular and religious songs.
What a missed opportunity to preach the Word of the Cross.
>Saddened by it all<