I got a call today, one I would have never expected. My good friend, a pastor in my state and someone I’d spent a lot of time with, one of the nicest men you could ever possibly meet, decided to end his own life. I was reluctant to say anything on this blog, but Facebook is full of the story, he is on the news and a pastor friend from North Carolina even contacted me about it. With social media, there are no secrets anymore. So, I guess it doesn’t hurt for me to reflect on it a little bit and to draw a conclusion from the tragedy. That’s how I process things. I write about them. I hope you will excuse me while I emote here tonight.
I know I’m not the first person to say it in a time like this, but he was about the last person in the world I thought would die this way. I’m a brash guy, opinionated. I ruffle feathers. Lots of people don’t like me. Not him. Ask anyone who knew him and they’d say, “One of the nicest men I’d ever met.” Deep. Thoughtful. Caring. Encouraging. For a smaller Iowa church, he was just about the ideal pastor.
Here’s what bothers me. I never saw it coming. I had no idea he was struggling, that his life hung in the balance. Neither did anyone else, evidently. He was supposed to be at our Administrative committee meeting a couple of weeks ago, but he had some scheduling conflicts and couldn’t come. But was there more to it than that? Were things already brewing in his mind at that point? If he had come, would we have noticed that something was wrong? Maybe he would have opened up to me at lunch and I could have helped him. Would he have shared his pain? I don’t know. When a friend dies of his own volition, all you are left with is unanswered questions and guilty memories.
Pardon my french, but it sucks. I don’t normally use that word, but at this point, I beg no pardon. If you’ve ever been through this, that is the mildest word one can possibly use. I lost a friend today in the most horrible way and I didn’t even have a chance to minister to him. If he had said, “Dave, I’m hurting,” I’d have done anything I could for him. I wouldn’t have had to though, because guys from his end of the state would have poured out of the woodwork to pray with him, help him, encourage him. He was loved. He was loved by a lot of people. I’d have driven across Iowa to spend time with him if I’d known what was at stake.
And now, there is a wife bereaved. There are children and grandchildren bewildered. There is a shattered church and a community in shock. And pastors all over the state of Iowa (and the US from what I understand) are shaking our heads asking why on earth he didn’t say something. I am telling you, we LOVED that man and we would have helped him. We would have!
But it is too late now.
Here’s my question. What can we do about the next pastor in pain? Somewhere tonight there is a pastor considering the same tragic decision my friend made. Maybe his marriage is struggling. Maybe there are problems at the church. Maybe he is bipolar or clinically depressed or has some other issue. Maybe there are hurts from the past that have not been dealt with. Maybe there is some sin in his life that is getting the best of him and leaving him awash in guilt. Maybe he is struggling with feelings of failure, insecurity or frustration about his work. Maybe he is looking at that big church down the street and wondering why his church can’t be like that church. Maybe it is a combination of a hundred different pressures from life driving him to the brink.
How do we let him know that he is not alone? How do we assure him that there is another way? I wish I had an answer. At this point, I don’t.
The fact is that when I have been depressed, I didn’t want to talk about it. I became a spiritual recluse. I performed in public but retreated within myself. I have dealt with huge issues that were cratering me professionally and sapping my strength spiritually and yet I never shared that burden with a single soul in all the world. I walked alone. Would there have been people I could have gone to? Yes. Did I go to them? No. By God’s grace, I did not end up where my friend did today, but I have walked his solitary path.
Pastor friends, we have to do something. I don’t know if a program is going to help. Maybe it would. But I think there are some things that we can do.
- Let’s stop bragging about how well our churches are doing. When a group of preachers get together it can tend to become a brag-fest. Our insecurities drive us to trumpet how well things are going in our churches. But remember this – there may be a pastor sitting quietly on the fringes of the group and your bragging is like a dagger in his soul.
- Maybe, instead, we could start sharing our struggles and hurts. Maybe we could admit our failures.
- I’m a sinner. You’re a sinner. Let’s stop pretending to one another.
- I am terrible at calling people. I get busy and I just don’t do it. I remember a story my dad told. One day, as he went through his day, a friend of his (seminary prof) was on his mind. He just couldn’t get that man out of his head. He realized that maybe God’s Spirit was prompting him to call. He did. The man’s wife had died that day and a call from an old friend was welcome medicine. Make the call. Check up on one another. “How are you doing, buddy?” “Things going okay?” Share your own struggles so that maybe he will share his.
- For the love of all that is holy, if you are down, hurting, discouraged or depressed TALK TO SOMEONE. A friend. A counselor. A fell0w-pastor. Don’t be like me. Don’t be an ecclesiastical Lone Ranger. Even he needed Tonto. Yes, you need God and he is your ultimate source of strength in pain. but you need friends as well. You need support.
I’m still in shock about this. I saw a picture of my friend, smiling like he always was. It made me want to cry. But it also makes me angry. Guys, we cannot let this happen and then grieve. We need each other and we need to find a way to help one another. We need to see one another as comrades in arms, not competitors for a prize. Other pastors need you and you need them.
I’m going to end with this. I’m here. I have my cell phone with me most of the day and I keep it by my bed at night. I normally wouldn’t give it out, but its 712-389-4833. I’m no counselor. But I’m a pastor. I’ve been depressed and I’ve gotten through it. I have two ears, both work reasonably well. If you are on the edge, call me. I’d love to talk with you and pray with you. If you are one of those guys that has expressed dislike for me on social media – call me anyway. Your life is more important than whatever squabble we might have had. Call me. Call a friend. Call your DOM. Before you do something drastic, before you do something stupid, before you break a lot of peoples’ hearts as my friend did today, make a call.
God, you are always there. Thank you. May we too always be there for one another.
Once, many months ago, I limped and staggered to the computer and left a note here on this site. I wasn’t on topic, since there wasn’t a concurrent discussion of despair at that time. Even so, guys I had never met and likely never will made every effort to reach out to me. It made all the difference in the world even though I don’t think I answered any of them. I’ve begun to reciprocate that outreach among those whom I work. I stay in touch with those I suspect are hurting, even if they never unburden themselves to me.… Read more »
That may be the nicest comment anyone has ever left on this site.
Thank you.
Dave, excellent article. I’m sorry to hear of your friend. I prayed for his family and friends. I don’t know what the deal is brother, but pastoring is the loneliest job/calling I’ve ever had. I wonder if it has to do with constantly pouring into others, and not being poured into by others? Some of the most joyous times in my life are when I sit in Sunday school and listen to others teach and when I stand in worship and listen to others sing.
Agreed 100%. This is a must! And may we also do everything we can to cut through the:
“How are you?”
“Good”
“That’s good to hear.” and then move on to ministry talk.
I would hope “How are you?” would always be followed with “No, really, how are you?” Ministry is hard. Things aren’t always ok– not by a long shot.
Thank you for this Dave.
Sooner or later, we all, very likely, will face such a situation, and it can be quite close and personal – even in one’s own family like Dr. Frank Page experienced in the loss of his daughter. In the fall of 1972 I lost my mother, two half-sisters, and a step-father to a triple murder and suicide, an overwhelming grief that always remains, if only in the background and dulled by time (just don’t stir it too much or you will find the pain not yet dulled by much, if at all). When I tried to say something about it… Read more »
Kudos for expressing yourself, and putting yourself out there, so to speak. There’s one thing among churches and associated organizations that’s missing, I think. I think it’s a loss of sight of something very important, in my mind at least, that Jesus said. Namely Luke 17:10: “So you too, when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, ‘We are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.”” From a Sunday School teacher, or nursery worker, to the Pastor of the biggest, most successful megachurch in the world, that’s what we all are.… Read more »
I thank God for guys like Bob Cleveland who hears the whispers of “soul pain” that comes from a shepherd’s heart on long trips to and from meetings of the SBC and at lunch tables in O’Charley’s.
Dave,
I’m very sorry for your painful loss, and writing this excellent blog post is a great way with dealing with the pain. I hope many folks take you up on your prescriptions to deal with their despair.
The Enemy is a prowling devourer, and I’m both angry and sorrowful that your pastor friend was taken. I feel for his family, his friends, and his church flock. They need ministering and love and the Holy Comforter for a time like this.
Thank you, all of you. Tommy was not only my pastor and Sunday School teacher, he was also my friend. He and his wife sat with me for hours when my husband was having back surgery. But that was nothing unusual for them; they did the same for all of us whenever any of us were having any medical problems. He was the most kind and generous man I’ve ever known. He was also VERY intelligent and a true follower of the Word. I have no doubt his last moments on Earth were spent in close communion with his Lord… Read more »
Paulette, I loved Tommy, as you did. But it is too easy to take blame when someone makes the choice that Tommy did (I express some of that in the piece). You are absolutely right about where the blame game comes from. And you are right to commit yourself to “do better” as we all must.
But I doubt Tommy would say you failed him.
Dave,
Earlier in the day, another Pastor friend of mine mentioned that one of his good friends had committed suicide, and he was a Pastor in Iowa. I started to ask you if you knew him. This is really sad. My heart goes out to his family and church, and to the community, as well. These things are so hard to understand. At Union University, a young lady shot and killed herself this morning. So tragic. A couple of weeks ago, a high school freshman hung herself in the town next to mine, due to bullying. So sad.
David
I know that Bruce Springsteen is not known as an evangelical Christian or a Baptist theologian, but I am a fan of his music. He sings a song that I often think of when reflecting on the years of traveling through the Lonely Valley of the Shepherd and the friends who have traveled through it with me. It is entitled: “If I Fall Behind.” Here is just a short verse from it that might make sense to even those of you who never listen to “pagan” music: ” . . . Now everyone dreams of a love lasting and true… Read more »
Thank you for sharing Dave.
Admin and exec meetings are going to be weird and sad, aren’t they?
Been where you are. My Dad committed suicide some 16 years ago now. I can still feel the shock of the phone call when my brother called me. It has left lasting scars and pain on an entire family. Scars, because though some healing has occurred there is a permanent and uneraseable mark left on all of us. There is not much anyone can do in cases of suicide. I had several clues but never conceived that my father would take his own life. I wonder at times what I could have done. But, that wondering is an endless line… Read more »
Pain. Unanswered questions. Regret. Pretty much sums it up.
And they don’t go away, Dave. They fade to the background but come back from time to time. Certainly there are things we can do to help each other and try to prevent this from happening. Pressing for authenticity and not taking the general “How are you?” “Good, you?” for granted is good advice. Pushing for authenticity and trust in relationships is a must. You men who pastor have to find other men you can trust and bare your soul to. Going it alone is not an option. “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I… Read more »
Thanks for the admonition to love “give a care” well all the rest of our days. May Father give you the desire of your heart. Your caring empathy blessed me. I too was a personal friend of Tommy Rucker.
” . . . for all of us to be real with each other, and to reach out ”
in a way, ‘being real’ IS reaching out
Thank you for these reflections, Dave?. These are words that need to be heeded for the sake of the Kingdom and the well-being of the saints, who continue to struggle with the flesh and the messages of the Enemy (which is really ALL of us). I join you in a commitment to redouble my efforts to connect in a meaningful way with my co-laborers in the rural fields of Iowa.
The thing is, how do we get ourselves to admit our struggles to one another?
I know we can’t force it… I have a friend who was going through a rough patch recently, I could see it in his face and asked him several times, “what’s going on?” he’d tell me and we’d talk and pray…then about two weeks later he finally confessed he wasn’t dealing with it as good as he was letting on. I told him, “look, with the relationship we have and the things we’ve discussed in the past, I tend to trust what you tell me. If you’re struggling be honest from the start.” It reminded me that even when we’re… Read more »
That is the million dollar question, Dave. I think you addressed it some in the admonition that we not foster an environment of competition and comparison, which so often happens when pastors gather, and we compare notes. We need to find the healthy balance of celebrating what God is doing and bragging. Some of the best pastor fellowships that I have had since I have been in Iowa are a weekly inter-denominational prayer fellowship to which I was invited shortly after coming to Creston and a once-a-month meeting I had with two SBC pastors, who were in neighboring cities. Those… Read more »
My heart aches for the family, church and community. My heart grieves for how he must have felt to make this choice. My heart is concerned for the pastors all over this country, but especially in states like Iowa. We are so spread out, spread-thin and am concerned that there aren’t the resources available to support brothers who are struggling. It definitely can be a lonely and stressful journey. Praying for all. May we seek the Lord’s direction in how we can better support, encourage and hold our brother pastors up.
Sharing our personal struggles with sin and emotions is a risk that preachers fear. Our ministry value might go down. Maybe it would go up. May we obey and please our great God. May a God revive our souls.
Thanks, Dave.
I’m still stunned and can’t believe it.
Brian Croft shared a few thoughts last year on caring for a congregation after a pastor’s suicide. Might be a helpful for those of us who are still in shock:
http://practicalshepherding.com/2013/06/26/how-does-a-pastor-care-for-his-congregation-when-an-associate-pastor-commits-suicide/
I am so sad to read this news and am praying for the family and church today. Having gone through the suicide of a brother-in-law, I know the pain and grief of a family rocked by the heartache and unanswered questions. I’ll also be praying for you, Dave, and to other men like you as you all reach out to people there.
Thank you brother for this heart felt narrative. Though I no longer serve the Lord in Iowa, your loss hits close to home. I pastor a church in North Carolina.
Almost 4 years ago I walked through a very dark season in my life. I hid it from my wife, my kids, my church, from everyone. I never considered consciously taking my own life, but I did often wonder if life for others would have been better if I was not around. God had, in His mercy, blessed me in college and continues to now, with a group of three friends. They are my brothers from other mothers, guys who know everything about me and who have committed to stand in the gap for me and I for them. If… Read more »
I agree with Ryan. I’ve gone thru a very dark time in my life, as well. The Lord brought me thru it…praise His name. And, a great wife, and some very close, Pastor friends helped me, greatly.
We all need the fellowship of close friends, who will listen and pray for us. And sadly, Pastors are notorious for being Lone Rangers.
Dave, what do you think would help Pastors to have close friends? What would help Pastors to seek help with the darkness closes in?
David
that should have said, “WHEN the darkness closes in.”
And Dave, I do pray that the Lord will comfort your heart during this time….and, may He give you a lot of grace. Losing a friend to death is certainly a hard thing to go thru. My deepest sympathies go out to you, Brother.
David
I am a member of Calvary Baptist in Clinton, IA. I didn’t know this Pastor, but our Pastor that just left did know him. That is how I came to know about this situation and to read this blog. This was an absolutely great article and I believe it needs to be included in the Iowa Baptist paper. Not just Pastors need to remember these things, but ALL Christians do. The greater good you are doing for God, the harder the devil attacks. We need to be lifting one another in prayer at all times and not just when we… Read more »
Thank you Sandy.
Amen!
Most of us would drop everything to help but does anyone else feel that it is difficult to make close friends who are pastor or staff colleagues who are near enough to have a better idea of each other’s emotional state?
DAVID, some comfort from the Holy Gospel of St. John chapter 11, this:
“I am the resurrection and the life;
he who believes in Me will live even if he dies,
and everyone who lives and believes in Me will never die.”
Several thoughts ran through my mind as I read this today: 1. Suicide probably is best thought of as an irrational response to a situation that the person feels overwhelmed by. We ought to be careful about seeking to find meaning in it and even more careful about seeking to shoulder blame after the fact. 2. The best advice I received at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary during the orientation was to seek help early before things spin out of control. That included a host of potential situations whether it was dealing with temptation to dealing with a marriage that was… Read more »
Isaiah 43:1 But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
3 For I am the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.
Isaiah 40:9. Go on up to a high mountain, O Zion, herald of good news;[e] lift up your voice with strength, O Jerusalem, herald of good news;[f] lift it up, fear not; say to the cities of Judah, “Behold your God!” 10 Behold, the Lord God comes with might, and his arm rules for him; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him. 11 He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young. 12 Who has measured the… Read more »
One more. Now a certain man was ill, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. It was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was ill. So the sisters sent to him, saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.” Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that… Read more »
Ooops..operator error on the app. Left of a few verses. Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odor, for he has been dead four days.” Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that… Read more »
so important to remember . . .
this beloved pastor may have fallen victim to very deep pain,
but his immortal soul is now in the keeping of Christ, where no more harm can come to him
Amen!
There is a “dark night of the soul” every of us goes through at times. I certainly have, and Dave, my heart goes out to you, the pastor’s family, and others touched by it. Unfortunately, we live in a system dominated by fear. If we have a problem, we keep it to ourselves. Some overcome it, others do not. Those who don’t probably engage in self-destructive behavior, outright sin, leave the vocational ministry, or take the action this poor, hurting minister took. Oh, we don’t call it fear, we call it “personal” or “my issue to deal with,” whatever, but… Read more »
There is more to grief and our experiences of it than we imagine. There is a power, as one said, that shapes our ends, rough hew them as will. There is also forgiveness with God that He might be feared, reverenced, if you please. I think how God prepared me for the four churches and one interim of approximately 28 years and 3 mos. in these 51.5 years as an ordained Southern Baptist minister. The last two churches that I pastored, came after a divorce and remarriage. That divorce almost led to my committing suicide. Only the help of many… Read more »
Dr. Willingham,
I just wanted to let you know that I thoroughly benefit and enjoy your comments on this blog, and the other blogs that I’ve seen you post on.
You gotta a lotta wisdom under your belt and I sure do appreciate you sharing it.
Of course, you being a Calvinist and a fair-minded historian helps too.
😉
Dave –
It sucks. When we can use the words we don’t normally use to access our visceral responses then we may have created the space we all need. Thank you.
Someone asked, “What can we do?” Best answer you gave – your phone number.
One of my moments that you describe came about ten years ago. Friends. That is what made the difference.
I interact less and less here but read often. I will participate Dave. My cell number is 405-694-3112. I will be out of contact 2/16-2/22. Otherwise it is always on.
I will also make myself available. My cell is 405-203-7509. Thanks Dave and Todd for your example.
Don’t suffer alone.
NONE OF US ARE AS STRONG AS WE THINK WE ARE. GOD HAVE MERCY ON US ALL. Thanks Dave for coming out of the closet. Onward Struggling Christians Marching off to Give a Care. Father God I thank you for Bro. Tommy. We grieve yet in your Son Jesus the Christ we have confident expectation. May we rest in your faithfulness and holiness.
I knew this man you speak of personally. I spent many nights at his home with his kids growing up. My father and him worked at the same place. His daughter and I were the best of friends. Still are. He was the one person in my life that I ALWAYS reflected on as someone who put a light in my life. The mornings I would stay there we would all wake up, we would eat get dressed and head to the door for the bus. Right after we stepped off that last step into the grass he would pop… Read more »
Dave, thanks for your kind comments about Tommy. I don’t think he knew how many lives he touched. Please continue to pray for me and my family as we deal with the loss. Wondering too, if I could have done more.
Kay, Tommy was one of my favorite students ever. Always joyful, always engaged, always loving The Lord. Just know my wife and I are praying for you.
Thank you, Chad. He truly was a man who loved The Lord!
Absolutely, Kay.
He was one of my students a few years back. He was always joyful, always encouraging, always eager to serve. I have been stunned since I heard last night. I obviously do not have any more information than what has been published, not having seen or heard from him for several years. But brethren, this could be an of us in a deep dark moment of despair. I have pastored friends and family through three suicides, one of them being my own cousin, another my son’s best friend, and the a staff member at a church where I was interim.… Read more »
Pastor Dave – Thank you for sharing your heart. Our prayers go out to the family, church family and our fellow servants in Iowa. Your comments are so relevant and necessary. It is our prayer that these words are taken to heart by any Pastor/Minister that may be struggling with the battle of the darkness of this world. May God richly bless through this time of darkness in our State.
Thanks, Dave, for expressing so well what many of us are feeling today. May God be with the Rucker family during this time of tragedy.
I don’t really have anything profound to add. The news yesterday shocked me. Tommy was one of those pastors that I aspired to be like. I admired him for his Christ-like spirit, his humble, amiable demeanor, and his example as a pastor. He was an encourager to me many times during my years at Southern. I considered him a friend, but was not close enough to be one of those directly affected by the loss. My hope would be that we remember him not for how his life ended, but for his life and ministry. His death is tragic, but… Read more »
David,
Well said! Oh how we need one another. Life is tough! Pastoring is tough!
God made us and redeemed us to live in community, not alone.
God bless,
Jim
Things like the weekly meetings we used to have in my family room need to be more common.
One more comment: unless you voluntarily and willfully resisted God’s prompting with him at some point, there really isn’t anything you could have done. If God had wanted you to know something else to do, He’d have told you.
I have a long story to back that up, that I’ll pass along some time.
Bob Cleveland: “If God had wanted you to know something else to do, He’d have told you.
I have a long story to back that up, that I’ll pass along some time. “
I’d like to hear your “God Told Me” story if you have the time to tell it.
Heres a book on depression for those who may need it.
http://stores.newgrowthpress.com/depression-looking-up-from-the-stubborn-darkness/.
Here’s a link to a little booklet to help with dealing with the “aftershock of a suicide.”
http://stores.newgrowthpress.com/grieving-a-suicide-help-for-the-aftershock-single/
This applies to more than pastors. I’ve suffered from mild depression on and off most of my life. A few years ago it got pretty bad. Usually it’s good enough that I’m overjoyed to see other people and I cheer up as long as others are around. But when it got bad I was sad even when others were around and much worse when they weren’t. Most nights I couldn’t sleep. I struggled to maintain reasonable thought while most of my thoughts obsessed over all the evidence that no one really cared (feelings of loneliness) and that I really wasn’t… Read more »
Dave,
Thanks for such a wonderful article. Kay is my sister and Tommy, my brother-in-law. I am still in shock over this! Tommy was such a kind hearted man who truly loved God and his family. After all his years of marriage, he still called Kay “his bride”. I remember telling him, that I loved it because it showed how much he cared for her. He will be missed by many.
Dave, I’m surely sorry for your loss and the loss of the pastor’s family, friends, and church members. When I read your post, I did not know the pastor’s identity, but someone mentioned it in a comment. I taught Tommy at Southern Seminary, and, like Chad Brand, he was not just a student to me. I thought of him as a brother in Christ and friend. I grieved when I read your post, but now I am especially grieved. This tragedy reminds us that we must “bear one each others’ burdens.” I realize that verse was written for the entire… Read more »
Thank you so much for sharing; this means so much to me.
One Sunday morning just before prayer, my brother-in-law said “I’m feeling a little depressed”. His Board has an emergency meeting & told him he was on 6 weeks paid leave. He resisted but consented. When he returned, the Conference Superintendent told him “you are not able to handle the stress of your church, we are assigning you to a much smaller church”. My brother in law was old enough to retire, so he did. A few months later he was stripped of his ordination for being “insubordinate” (retiring i.o. taking the smaller church). My brother in law was well respected,… Read more »
I don’t know which denominational system you’re in, but it’s broken.
Any pastor suffering from depression is in good company. C. H. Spurgeon was well-known to suffer from depression. If Spurgeon could handle all that he did, then depression should never be a deal-breaker.
My prayers are with you all. I was referred here through my professor who happens to be the father-in-law of a son of your friend. He teaches Pastoral care and counseling, which is something I am very interested in. Pastors, I think need to have safe outlets and not be afraid or embarrassed to use them Even Paul suffered from depression. Most all the people of the Bible suffered at one time or another from depression. Having accountability partners helps. My pastor and even leaders of our home groups all meet together once a week to share and pray and… Read more »