A team of archaeologists recently unearthed a new scroll containing 2 Samuel 12. It is now being dubbed the King David Version, as it presents the king as not incurring all the guilt for his murderous affair with Bathsheba. Randy Hogan, chairman of the Super Convenient Archaeology Team (SCAT), remarked that this finding came at a “tremendously helpful and opportune time for our nation.”

They were shocked to find, hidden in an ancient refrigerator, an unscathed manuscript of the prophet Nathan’s confrontation of King David. After the discovery a crack team of Hebrew professors quickly worked out a modern English rendering of the new 2 Samuel 12.

In the original biblical story Nathan the prophet uses a parable of a rich man stealing a precious ewe from a poor man. When King David is angered about the rich man in the parable, Nathan pointedly informs David that he is that man. The story ends with Nathan pronouncing judgment and King David confessing his sin and repenting.

The new account adds a bit of a ripple to the story. David’s response to Nathan is a bit different:

David said to Nathan, “I have sinned against the Lord, but so has Uriah. Had he obeyed the king and went to be with his wife like a good husband none of this would have happened. I’m convinced that after a full investigation it will be shown that the Hittite had his own share of fault in the story, and I will be exonerated.

Besides, your story doesn’t work, Nate. Both the rich man and the poor man have guilt in their hearts. You are acting like only the king is to be blamed and shown to be guilty. We know all men are guilty before Yahweh, therefore I cannot heed a prophetic stance which only names the crimes of one party involved. Besides, the greater issue here is Hittite on Hittite crime, not this one isolated instance. And dare I mention the greater problems that we have in our nation? Do I need to remind you of the mess that King Saul put us in?

In the original biblical account Nathan informs David that he will not die, but the child born of adultery will die. In the new account 2 Samuel 12:14 is redacted and Nathan simply goes away to his home, frustrated and giving up hope for the king’s reconciliation to God.

The members of SCAT are now working tirelessly to find a scroll from the King David Version containing Psalm 51. We are receiving word, though, that some evangelical groups are already adopting a KDV-only stance.