By now many of us have read the tragic news of the Southern California pastor who committed suicide due to an overwhelming sense of depression and loneliness. My heart weeps for his young wife and children who can never truly understand why, his church that is reeling from the sense of loss and confusion, and even this young man who saw death as less painful than the ache that was in his soul at the moment. Contrary to many, his action was not an act of selfishness but of desperation. His act was one of crying out for help but no one heard his cry. No one knew his desperation. No one knew his pain … more than likely because he rightly believed no one truly would understand or empathize.
My father was a Baptist pastor until he died on 4 July 2000. He did not commit suicide. He did not end his life. In fact, he passed from an abdominal aneurysm but he managed to get from the living room to the bedroom so that he could pass into eternity next to the woman he had loved for thirty-nine years. However, nothing will not convince me that he was not “killed” by the friendly fire of being a Baptist pastor. He had been stabbed in the back more times than he could count by deacons and church members who promised him unwavering support even while they were having secret meetings about him and his family. His spiritual knees were worn to the bone from praying for those he had prayed with and for at all hours of the day and night. His feet and hands were calloused because he lived out the Scriptural truth that feet could only be called beautiful if they shared the Gospel with anyone who needed to hear it. His heart had been broken only six weeks before he died when a church fired him for refusing to cover up sins by members. Yes, an aneurysm burst in his intestines and ended his earthly life; however, Jack Downey had been decimated by so many churches that stabbed his soul one too many times for 27 years that when the blood began to leak from his intestines he seemingly had only one thought – “Let me reach Barbara before I go because she is my home.”
Therefore, I do understand why this young pastor was afraid to share his desperate fears and loneliness. I also understand the pain of this young pastor because as a missionary/ evangelist to the Jewish people this has been the loneliest twelve months of my life. I have struggled as I have watched the focus of Christians, churches, denominations veer away from TRUE and eternal evangelism to temporal politics that will change with every election cycle. I have become overwhelmed with fear as I have observed good Christians forget that missions began with the Jewish people and that Romans 1:16 is still true. One pastor told me that they could not consider Jewish evangelism because they were focusing on Jehovah’s Witnesses right now … SERIOUSLY. I still have the email. Other churches and individuals have dropped their missions support from Tzedakah Ministries for a variety of reasons but yet Jewish people are still going to Hell of one every 4 minutes. Yes, the fear overwhelms me and I do not know how to make it stop.
Yet … it is the loneliness that grips my soul during the darkest hours of the night and sometimes during the brightest moments of the day. It is the loneliness that prevents my mind from shutting off and allowing the peace of sleep to overtake my body. It is the loneliness that whispers in my ear – “Why bother, no one cares. Give up. No one will blame you.” The loneliness whispers even while I am reading Luke 9:62 because it senses that this is when I am weakest.
Lottie Moon, to whom Southern Baptists are still seeking “to repay for allowing her to starve to death in 1912,” once wrote, “I pray that no missionary will ever be as lonely as I have been.” However, you never hear about missionary loneliness, do you? We are not supposed to admit that this happens. Our missionary prayer letters foremost are supposed to be about successes so that you will continue to support us. We might be allowed to write about opposition and attacks occasionally because that might pull in more donations but loneliness … that makes us sound pathetic and weak. Well, I need to be honest with you that missionaries are and should be pathetic and weak. We have to be in order that we can be the vessels that God can use for His Kingdom purpose and design. If we were strong, self-reliant and able in our own power, God could not use us. This is why Paul wrote what he wrote in 2 Corinthians 12 which, incidentally, is one of my least favorite Bible passages but the one that God used to call me to missions.
I weep more than I laugh. My failures haunt me daily. I hate my character flaws because I am so fearful that they will draw people away from God instead of towards a saving relationship in Messiah Jesus. I am afraid to show people who I really am and ergo I am lonely because of it.
This is my confession. This is who I am. I am not writing this for pity. I am not writing this so that people will write, “Praying for you.” I am not writing this to make myself feel better for a few days and then later I will return to my lonely state of fear, sadness and being overwhelmed. I am not even writing this to guilt you into financial support and/or allow Tzedakah Ministries to come to your church but, yes, we will not say no if you want to help us Give Messiah Back to the Jewish people. I want to tell you why I am writing this … it is hopefully to impact Christians and churches.
Do you really have a sense of where missionaries are in their hearts and spirits? Do you really have a knowledge of their depth of loneliness? Do you really care? We are drowning. We are overwhelmed and smiling faces in our prayer letters will not cover up the tears that we shed at night and when no one is looking.
I am going to share one more truth with you, and I doubt I am the only missionary who hears these voices. When I can’t sleep, I hear voices. Not voices telling me that death would be easier. Not voices telling me to hurt myself or anything that would have you worry about us. I hear voices of Jewish people asking me, “Do Christians really care? Is Jesus really the Messiah of us? Who will be beautiful feet for us?” This is why I choose loneliness. This is why Luke 9:62 overwhelms loneliness but Lottie Moon’s prayer was not answered.
Dr. Amy Downey is a graduate of East Texas Baptist University, two-time graduate of SWBTS and a PhD from Liberty. I am a member of Needham Road Baptist in Conroe, Texas, and the president/director of Tzedakah Ministries.
Thank-you, Amy, for sharing your heart this way…we comfortable Christians need to hear this repeatedly because the culture/world influences us way more than our beliefs influences IT! I LOVE the Jewish people and pray that God opens the eyes of their hearts as He did mine. God bless you, Amy. BTW, I believe loneliness is endemic in the hearts and lives of most true Christians because we were never meant to fit in here or anywhere besides heaven!
Thank you, Cindy. If you like to learn more about our work, please contact me at info@tzedakahministries.org.
While I appreciate the larger point of this blog, the suicide of this young pastor is not a good example for her to go from specific to general. Inland Hills was founded by his father, so he “inherited” the pastorate in classic charismatic fashion. I suspect he had full control of everything in the church. There was likely no deacon board stabbing him in the back, etc. This young man obviously had preexisting psychological issue that were amplified by his father’s death a few years ago. He had been on a 4 month sabbatical when this happened.
My only point is, while many pastors struggle with unredeemed deacon councils and selfish congregational leadership, that was not the case here from all that I can gather.
Let me add that while many people say that they know of pastors who were treated horribly by the churches they served, I have never personally witnessed that in any church I have been involved in. All is not broken.
“All is not broken.”
You are right as the rain about that, Mark Smith. All is not broken. Jesus rose from the grave and sits at the right hand of the Father. All is not broken.
I think you are missing the forest for the trees but that is okay. Blessings.
I think one vital element in heading such things off is pastors having at least one close friend … perhaps a crusty old dude … who will shoot absolutely straight with him. A friend to whom he can say anything, and vice versa. It may be, in this day of numbers and budgets, that few members think they can be of any real value to their pastor … perhaps that might explain some of this.
Friendship is missing, I agree. I also believe that the idea that people in ministry (missionaries/pastors/staff) can feel that they can trust anyone completely is missing.
Bob (you are that Bob right?), I appreciate your wisdom in this observation. Thanks.
That Bob? Guilty. And I think I have that kind of relationship with our current pastor. But I also point out I reached out to him the first week he was here, and had lunch with him. It may well be that the vast majority of members either feel unable, or feel unworthy, to be of such help to their pastor.
And that feeling of unworthiness or inability may be behind very many of the church’s problems.
Sadly Bob, missionaries are often not in a situation where such a friendship can happen. If they are in a group concept, it might or might not be healthy. If they are independent, they are alone. And again there is the pressure to only talk about the successes and not the failures for fear that support might dwindle. It is tough. Would you consider doing the same for the missionaries that you know?
He has. Bob has done the same for the missionaries he knows.
I am glad to know this is true of “that Bob.” May you continue to do so.
I don’t know to whom you are responding, Amy Downey, but if it is me, let me repeat myself. “All is not broken.”
I am truly sorry for the news of the young pastor who committed suicide. He left a wife and three sons. As far as we know, we have heard no other reason for his suicide other than his depression. According to the reporting I have read, he suffered from chronic depression. He had been on a 4 month sabbatical due to his depression. As far as I can understand, his church supported him and ministered to him. His wife shared this testimony shortly before the day he committed suicide.
It could be that the young pastor’s suicide had nothing to do with the state of the church he served or how the church treated him. It seems that depression takes many forms and it is not always due to something negative in a person’s life. We really don’t know why this young man committed suicide. Seemingly, suicide leaves no answers more often than not.
I do agree with you that your father’s death may well have been due to the circumstances of which he found himself due to the evil conduct of members of a church. I think that happens more often than we know. It is my opinion that Narcissistic Antagonists, Shadow Pastors, Backbiting Opportunists, and Gossips in local churches have destroyed more pastors than has the “Big Three”: Women, Money, and Power.
Yet, all is not broken. Christ has risen from the dead and our future is secure regardless of under what circumstances we leave this life. I am often reminded (actually, I often remind myself) of what the Lord said of Paul when He was instructing Ananias to go and help him. The Lord said of Paul, “. . .Go, for he is a chosen instrument of Mine, to bear My name before the Gentiles and kings and the sons of Israel; for I will show him how much he must suffer for My name’s sake.”
No, Amy Downey, all is not broken. There is hope. There is security. Jesus has risen from the grave. That truth has walked me through some man made hells several times in my life and I believe it will again. All is not broken.
I was responding not to you but to Mr. Smith.
Thank you for the clarification, Amy Downey. I do think my comment is pertinent to your post even though you were not responding to me. You are not alone and do not let the enemy convince you that you are.
Thank you for your last comment as well. Loneliness is real and that is why I included the Lottie Moon quotation. How isolated must she have felt in China writing those letters begging for help for her orphans yet feeling as if her words were falling on deaf hearts?
I believe I might be speaking for many missionaries today as well. Yes, we have FaceTime and social media but the loneliness is just as real as it was for Lottie in 1912. For it often feels as if our words fall on hard ground and we are judged on statistics and location of service rather than faithfulness. It is hard. It is lonely.
“It is my opinion that Narcissistic Antagonists, Shadow Pastors, Backbiting Opportunists, and Gossips in local churches have destroyed more pastors than has the “Big Three”: Women, Money, and Power.”
I would strongly agree, CB!
I love the identifiers you’ve used!
Amy, ok, nice dodge.
I am not sure how you are wishing me to respond, Mark Smith, except that I believe you want to start an argument. Not going to go there.
I don’t want an argument. If you don’t see it, then never mind.
Why don’t you try to explain it then? My 27 years as a PK and 18 years as a missionary must not see what is obvious to you.
The point Amy, was that you picked an example of a pastor who did not fit your mold to illustrate your point. The young pastor did not suffer from church abuse like your father, etc. That is the point.
And you know this how? Did you live in his shoes? You assume too much and you miss the point overall. Ministry is lonely but being a critic is easy.
If you watch the church videos, you will hear both he and his wife testify that this is not a problem generated by the church. He thanked the church for all they had done to support him during his sabbatical due to his depression and so did his wife.
Mark Smith is right. “The young pastor did not suffer from church abuse like your father, etc.”
C.B. – We still don’t know pressures he felt whether internal or external. And the fixation on the illustration misses the point of ministry loneliness.
Amy Downey,
There is no fixation other than your fixation of superimposing your assumptions upon the tragedy in the life of the young pastor. What you assumed caused his suicide was not the reason according to his own testimony shortly prior to his death. You poorly used a tragedy in the life of a pastor, his family, and his church as an illustration in your post. We challenged your poor judgement and that is really all there is to it.
Mark, I seriously doubt your experience qualifies any idea that “all is not broke.” In fact, anyone with any real knowledge of the true state of the church would say the exact opposite.
OK David, you’re right. The SBC is totally messed up and all pastors are repeatedly trashed. Please forgive my delusional optimism.
All is not broken. There is much good happening in the SBC and within Christendom as a whole.
Respectfully Mark, every church I’ve been in has had some form of hostility towards the pastor. My first church, where I served as Associate Pastor, my second church where I worked in youth group, my third church (where I was lead pastor) and also the church I serve at now. I think it is at an epidemic level. I struggle with depression myself, and that can really amplify these types of things. Many times, unless you are in some type of leadership position that lets you in behind closed doors you may not be aware of the number of attacks pastors face weekly. While I do not disagree with your “all is not broken statement” I would respond with too much is broken.
No church I have served has had some kind of innate hostility to the pastor. All have had some problem people but I always felt appreciated and supported. It’s a mixed bag and I refer you to my article of a few days ago.
Randy, ok. You’re right. It’s mostly broken and there is nothing that can be done about it… better?
No need to get snarky about it sir. I appreciate your optimism. It’s going to take some positive, optimistic people to move the church out of this situation. But it also is going to take a critical look at the problems. I do not think we are on opposite sides in this discussion, I think we are on the same side, especially in wanting the best for the church. I believe it’s time we expose these recurrent problems and positively move forward somehow.
Amy: I love the SBC and our local church, so I hate hearing these things that I know are true and still happening in back rooms of our churches, and now we have more ways of back stabbing without detection in messenger, social media in general. I am so sorry that this happened to your dad and that he died in such a broken way. It is a sin against our denomination and one that I hope with the current cycle that occurred this year and a couple of years past, this will end such a despicable display of unchristian like behavior.
I understand your anger and wish we could go back in time and put it right. My sincerest and deepest sympathy, although I read that is not what you are looking for, I give it with the utmost of freedom. There is no excuse for such debauchery among those who name the name of Christ.
There is no anger, Debbie. Just a desire to make folks aware of the loneliness which exists and hopefully wake us up so that we all might help change the culture.
Maybe it was because I was both sad and angry when I read what occurred with your father.
My dad is in such a more glorious place than we are. I miss him every day but I would not wish back here. He is better off than us. He is with Jesus.
I am so sorry Amy for you and your dad. Sadly, as Debbie wished, there is no going back and making things right. Actions have consequences and those responsible should know the cost and be held accountable. There are way too many people making decisions that shouldn’t even decide the kind of soap to use in the restrooms yet others who should lead won’t.
What saddens me is that the point of this blog, ministry loneliness, was sidetracked over whether my illustration was correct or not. First, let me point out that that I stand by my illustration because we do not know what pain he experienced either implicit or explicit in following his dad. And shame on anyone who thinks that is easy. Second, whether or not you agree with my example, the issue of ministry loneliness is still real and still an issue of concern. Don’t nitpick but address. It is easy to be a critic but difficult to be address the issue. Some prefer to criticize while people in ministry continue in their loneliness.
It is not whether anyone “agrees” with your “example”/illustration, it is that the example you used was a poor choice to use as a illustration for your post.
I disagree. However, and again the point of ministry loneliness is being lost in the weeds of minutiae. But go ahead and quibble over the relative stength of illustrations if you want. Pastors and missionaries and staff will continue to struggle while you decide if an example was adequate or not. This is not seeing the forest for a tree at its finest.
Amy I am thankful for your blog and the illustration you used. I believe loneliness and depression are rife in the ministry and the mission field, but nobody wants to talk about it. Mental health issues are almost taboo in church. I deal with depression – it’s a constant in my life. I pastored a small church for 3 1/2 years and it was one of the loneliest times in my life. I had a congregation that not only openly opposed my efforts to reach lost people, but actively worked behind my back as well with gossip and backbiting. It was impossible to have a real friend inside that congregation. I am thankful for my wife who stood beside me through it all. The irony of the whole situation was that I was bi-vocational and worked a 40 hour per week “secular” job as well. My work family at that job were supportive team players in our efforts at work. I had friends there and I began to like that job much more than my ministry job. It should never be that way. Ministry should not be draped in misery. I do not know the solution. It sent me into a tailspin with my depression and I’m still trying to recover from it and that was almost 5 years ago. I do not believe I’ll ever take that sort of position of leading a church again. I am a volunteer pastor at my current church, but have a limited level of involvement by my own choice.
Thank you for writing this Amy. I have been on the field for 22 years and feel lonely most of the time. I have lived overseas longer than I have lived in the US now. I am not at ‘home’ when I am in the US. I am not at ‘home’ here. I have an amazing team of both nationals and expats. But, seeing as I have been here longer than anyone else I am twenty years older than anyone else on the team. Folks back home do not understand my life, my calling, my heart to see Jesus glorified among this unknown people. Folks here do not understand the pain of having grandchildren on two different continents and my wife and I living on a third. I worship and pray with the most amazing heroes of the faith you have never heard of but at the end of the day no one knows who I am and that makes me lonely. Regardless of that pastor’s other issues there is the likely reality that he is the ‘pastor’. He is not a regular guy with regular friends.
Our society is fracturing at an alarming rate. Suicide is a huge problem back in the US and a lack of community is at its heart. The Church is the answer. The real authentic church is people who love Jesus and each other. People who love reach out and touch others so that we are not alone. It is a hard battle. There will be more casualties. We need to love each other more and better! Thank you for this reminder.
Amy – sorry all this transpired with your dad. Thanks for sharing.
In your OP, you wrote: “However, you never hear about missionary loneliness, do you?” I wanted to mention that Mark Terry (3/19/18 on SBCVoices) did mention to pray for missionaries along those lines.