This post is authored by Tony Jones.
Tony is pastor of the First Baptist Church of Rich Hill, MO. He blogs at http://thespiritualwoodshed.com/.
When I was a music minister, it seemed I was always surrounded by people. There was always someone there, in part, because music ministers are always part of a staff of ministers and there really is always someone else there. I enjoy the presence of others, and I always enjoyed spending my days amongst other people. When my office was located in the back of the church, I would hear the front door open and I would walk to the front office to see who had come in. I am an extrovert who made the move to the pastorate a year ago.
No one prepared me for the loneliness, and no one prepared me for the different types of loneliness. There are three types of loneliness I have found and had to deal with over the past year.
The first is physical loneliness. I am now the only paid staff at a small rural church. When I come to work, there is no one to ask me how my morning is going, to offer me a cup of coffee, to be the sounding board for an extrovert who likes to think out loud. Oh how I took that for granted. I am now constantly alone with my thoughts and ideas. I have been able to handle this one in stride. I expected this loneliness and I often times find myself walking everywhere and anywhere in this small town, talking to my wife at lunch, or going for a tractor ride with one of our farming families. Those activities make a huge dent in the physical loneliness.
The second type of loneliness I’ve encountered is a spiritual loneliness. It comes without warning, and it usually involves a satanic attack. The only person who can cure this loneliness is God, and I think He has designed it that way. I used to think that pastors who said, “This job will drive you to your knees,” were a little over dramatic. Now I think they may have been underselling that notion a bit. This job will certainly drive you to your knees and I have often times felt like I was the only one there.
The third type of loneliness has been, for me, the saddest and hardest to deal with. I call it pastoral loneliness, but it doesn’t have to include pastors only. I have often heard leaders of various organizations and groups talk about how lonely it is at the top. I concur with their assessment. It is lonely to watch person after person blaze a path that leads to destruction. It is lonely to watch good people engage in attitudes and lifestyles that are un-Christian. It is lonely to feel like you are the only person who cares about the spiritual lives of your congregation. (I know more people in our congregation care, and maybe that’s just my pride talking.) No one prepared me for this type of loneliness, and no one could have prepared me for it.
The Spirit of God has comforted me in my times of loneliness, like no other friend could do. I have leaned more on Him in the past year than in any year in my life. I have been driven to my knees out of a desperate dependence on God. He alone can change the heart of people. He alone can bring conviction, and He alone deserves the honor the glory and the praise.
This job is lonely and sad, and well it should be, for if it was not, I would become to full of myself, too puffed up with pride. This job has to be lonely because only in our times of extreme loneliness and sadness do we learn how to utterly depend on God to supply all our needs.
Psalm 23:1 reads, “The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.” He supplies all my needs.
“This job has to be lonely because only in our times of extreme loneliness and sadness do we learn how to utterly depend on God to supply all our needs.”
In general I think this is true. However, there is also a joy unspeakable when we learn to “utterly depend on God to supply all our needs.”
“. . . weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.”
It’s much easier to quote this verse if it is a joyful morning. What if it has been a long time since a joyful morning? The battle I’m in has seen days of victory… I know the verses yet the struggle continues and drives me to my knees once again broke hearted.
It’s easy to confuse eternal joy with temporary happiness. There is joy in the knowledge that whatever is robbing you of happiness right now will ultimately glorify God, even if you don’t have a clue how that’s even possible. If I have to choose, I’ll take joy over happiness any day.
Keith,
There is not one word I could add to Jim Pembeton’s answer to your question other thank to say, I totally agree with him.
Well said. It is part of our system that many SBC ministers move from the seminary hothouse where they have abundant relationships, friendships, encouragers, and likeminded, similarly called colleagues to a small, rural congregation with wonderful people but few that relate in a deeply personal way to their pastor. Many of these churches are marginal in regard to supporting a full time pastor. Most if not all have established informal, unwritten protocols for their pastor and family which make his job difficult and lonely, moreso for the wife of the pastor than for the pastor. As a consequence, some of… Read more »
Tony’s a friend of mine, about 15-20 miles down the road in our association. To try to help protect against that loneliness, and especially his 3rd kind a group of us get together once a month for a pastors’ fellowship–about 3 hours of food, laughter, sharing our hearts, and prayer. I wish we could do it more often, but understand schedules. My one complaint is that we’ve reached out to everyone in our part of our association (we cover 4 counties in western Missouri), yet have only gotten 6 of us regularly involved. 4 of us our in our mid… Read more »
Tony,
Very good article.
Pastoring is one of the best, and toughest jobs, around. We all need to find ways to do it better, and to endure the tough, lonely times.
David R. Brumbelow
Yup. And just as a reminder–we pastor’s wives feel this too. Pastor’s and church staff often get some outlets through pastor’s breakfasts and associational activities, but those avenues aren’t always open to the PW. I wish more associations or ministerial alliances would give some thought to hosting a monthly lunch or dinner for staff wives to connect and support one another.
My wife, who worked as an administrator at two seminaries as well as being the wife of a pastor-preacher for many years, would would and does agree with you, Mrs. Leigh.
In all truth, you ladies carry the greatest burden of loneliness in the pastor’s home. Our children are also affected greatly, but that is the subject for a blog post of its own.
I have felt this loneliness. It continues to help me to rely on God’s grace more and more. Good article
Something that really helps in my local Association is our weekly Pastor’s meeting on Monday mornings. There’s anywhere from 12 to 25, who show up, every Monday. And, we sing a song together. Then, we take turns preaching to each other. And then, we end it by praying together. Afterwards, about 8 of us eat lunch together, and fellowship. Others go their way to do what they’ve got to do. But, EVERYONE….EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE PASTORS, who come to this meeting, talk about how much it means to them. And, Mike, take heart in the 6, who come. When… Read more »
Tony Jones, During my 35 years of Pastoring and preaching, there were more times than I care to count that I prayed to be alone. I wouldn’t start my day in an office. I would go to the local restaurant, or grocery/restaurant/gasoline and have my coffee. The places I would go was always filled with people, to me, places like this was a huge mission field. I would make a lot of friends and found out many doors were opened for me. I learned who was sick and hurting, who was in the hospital, who was having financial problems or… Read more »
Tony,
I also found that Lowe’s, Walmart, and Tractor supply are wonderful places to look around and witness to employees and others. Usually the employees are eager to help you find something, and they are nice to you when you witness to them.
I’ve always considered my office to be the world.
Jess Being around people has little to do with loneliness, in my opinion. You can be constantly surrounded by people, engaged with them even, and still be very lonely. Driving 100 miles to see Sister Sue can wear on a person when done often. I think that different people respond to things differently, and perhaps Tony is responding in ways that you wouldn’t in the same situation. It hardly seems the place to question his practices. Our own makeup and nature has a lot to do with it. Even the psalmist wrote “Why are you cast down, O my soul?”… Read more »
Luke,
What I’m saying is that one doesn’t have to be confined in an office all day. That would drive me crazy. Tony had already mentioned his office was in the back of the church, he needs people. I provided him a way out.
I understand your point. I think Tony does too, as he mentions getting out of the office to combat that physical loneliness. But to me, the spiritual and pastoral loneliness is a greater issue. In my experience, it cannot be solved by simply being out among people. In fact it can make it worse, sometimes. I know it does for me at times. But that’s my nature, and so I must learn to combat that with the word of God and presence of Christ in my life. No arguement here with getting out of the office to meet people, etc.… Read more »
Tony, this is an excellent article, identifying a real problem that a lot of us feel.
Finding solutions is often more difficult. Thank you for letting us have this.
Oh, yeah, Dave: I told him we paid well, btw. So… he’s expecting a check hand delivered by a certain Iowa pastor in a lime green suit…
I’ll bring it when I bring yours.
Cancer forced me into retirement after 38 years as a Senior Pastor, 18 of those at my last church. I have spent countless days at the hospital taking chemo without a word from staff where I served. Thank God for a handful of members who help combat the loneliness. I tell people that the loneliness is worse than the chemotherapy!
Great article, Tony. One observation: Introverts can be lonely too, so what you say here applies not only to extroverted pastors.
Thus the birth of the parody accounts on social media.
Many of us deal with hard times through laughter. ‘ Cause truthfully, church people don’t seem to really care. But through social media, we can “connect” and share common life experiences.
-DaPreacherzWife from Twitter
Good article and nice to know I’m not alone. Except I don’t think I’ve experienced, “The Spirit of God has comforted me in my times of loneliness”. Maybe I have and don’t know it. What’s that like? Or was this something that was said because it was expected? I’m not trying to bust you on this, really. But I really am not sure what its like. I have experienced the Lord speak to me through his word and bring encouragement and enlightenment, on occasion. So, if that’s what is meant, thats great. Just curious. Because sometimes when I catch myself… Read more »