A follow-up to my previous post, “Counting the Cost of Ministry.”
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Here I am, calling people to do hard things when I find myself struggling under the weight of very same hard things that God has called me to do. This week has been particularly difficult – having one of those days where you want to quit everything, but there’s really no way to escape. I find it difficult to bear the weight of being the spiritual leader of a body of believers, extending the call of God to live sacrificially for his kingdom, while at the same time struggling to make it through each day of my own hardships. Don’t get me wrong, there is great joy in the ministry, and I am seeing the fruit of our investment in others, but I struggle when the joys seem to be spread out between the frustrations. There really is a cost to doing what God calls us to do.
I also have entered these hardships with a family. We have chosen these difficulties and share the costs together. Yet, when I see my loved ones struggling under the hardships of ministering to others, even though this is what we collectively “signed on for,” their struggle adds to my own hardship. I feel responsible for the happiness of my wife and children and culpable for their struggle with the hardship. It’s hard for me to find and focus on the JOY of ministry while those I have brought along with me are struggling to keep their head above water. Did we count the cost? – yes, I believe so. Was the cost greater than we anticipated? – yes, absolutely! I could not have imagined the kinds and intensity of the struggles we have experienced. Are we truly in the will of God? – yes, I think my wife and I would both agree that we are. Does that make it any easier? – not really, we still seem to have more “life sucks” moments lately than we have “what an awesome privilege it is to be used of God” ones. Would I make different choices? – No, I would not. I am right where God wants me to be.
I felt a bit hypocritical with the last post, not because any of it was not true – I stand by it. But because the “hard”-ness I spoke of is particularly hard right now. Too hard to really share with anyone. My wife and I even have a hard time sharing it with each other – expecting one another to find their joy in the Lord while we struggle to do so ourselves. Philippians 4 is instructive. It reminds us to rejoice always, learn to be content (and it is indeed something we must learn), to minister in the strength God provides, to think about good things. These are all things God is teaching us. Part of what I meant about the cost of ministry may not have come through in my last post. There is a cost, and I am not delighting in paying it! But without this cost, without this struggle with the hardness of ministry, without truly experiencing the “fellowship of suffering” with and for Christ, I would never have the opportunity to grow in these areas – and I NEED to grow!
See, the hardness of ministry has done nothing for my pride for all it has done is expose my weakness. And I am beginning to understand what Paul meant when he said that he glories in his weakness and that when he is weak, he is strong. You see, doing hard things for the Lord really brings no glory to me. Not that I wouldn’t seek it (my flesh is weak) but because, for whatever reason, no one is impressed. In fact, doing hard things is actually humbling because the truth is I can’t handle it! I’m screwing up more than I’m succeeding and the pressure is often too much to bear. That’s a big part of the cost for me – I can’t do what I am striving to do, what God has called me to do, without total dependence on Him. That’s not just preacher-speak, I’m learning this truth the hard way. God certainly isn’t impressed by my efforts for him and He is more than happy to let me fail. No, the hard things I’m doing are actually turning out to be God’s gift to me, as much as I hate that. The cost is too great if I am left to myself. What I thought was meritorious for me (Look how awesome a Christian Todd is everybody!) has just caused me to realize how incompetent I am at modeling the Christian faith. It has made me go back and realize (Phil 4 again) just how much I DON’T rejoice, how often I am NOT content, how I am trying to do all things through whatever strength I can muster ON MY OWN, and focusing on the negative more often than not. Hi, I’m Todd, and I am failing miserably.
So do I still stand by my challenge to DO hard things and jump in with both feet? Absolutely, but not for the reasons you might think and not with the full confidence of a man who is doing swell. I DO believe God is working through me and my family as we do the hard work of ministry. I am indeed seeing lives changed as a result. But the biggest and perhaps most significant changes are happening in me. If I actually make it through this season of ministry and survive with my faith intact, it will be because the cost of ministry is driving me to the Lord like nothing before. Prayer has gone from being a duty to being vital for survival. Faith has gone from being an abstract concept to being something I fight for and the only thing that gives me hope. The gospel has become something I preach to myself over and over again. I am being reminded how much I still need repentance. The quest for holiness in many areas of life has moved to the top of my priority list. And the lives of my family and the people to who I am ministering have become more important than my own. The Lord’s glory has become more important than making a name for myself. Have I thus “arrived”? Not by a long shot. I wish! In fact, to be honest I revert back to my old patterns far too often. But God is changing me, little by little, and is using the struggles that have come from our choice to do hard things for Him.
So, even as I have these “second thoughts,” I am thankful for the hardship in my life even as I sometimes wish I could escape it. I am thankful that God is allowing me to struggle through what it really means to follow Him. I am thankful that he is allowing me to see some of the fruit of ministry and the evidences of His grace in the lives of the people to who we are ministering. I am thankful for that same grace in my own life. I am confident that God is at work in me and through me, even though I really don’t fully understand His ways. And I am praying for strength for the journey because I still am confident that being a follower of Jesus, with all the hardship included, is indeed worth it! That’s my heart. On second thought, I still choose to follow Him!
The only thing I have found more difficult and heartbreaking than ministry is when it ends abruptly. We will persevere.
Been there/done that — God used that too!
The saddest statement is that the hardness is too hard to share with anybody. I’ve been close friends with pastors who seemed to have shared some of those hard things with me, and they’ve said it’s been helpful.
I wish for you a friend with whom nothing will be too hard to share.
Don’t read this and think I am in despair. But I intentionally wrote this at one of my low moments because I think it’s important to acknowledge that there are indeed real emotional struggles and low moments. And recognizing those low moments are part of the cost.
As far as friends go, It’s not necessarily that don’t have people who will listen — I do. But sometimes the emotions are difficult to put into words and difficult for others to truly comprehend or bear.
we don’t think of our own suffering as ‘blessing’ until the moment we realize that it carves into us a place to accommodate a greater compassion for others who suffer in this world
it is sometimes the duty of a shepherd to carry weary sheep on his shoulders, and the weight of that can be great to bear
it was so for Our Lord, and it will be that way for His servants also
is it really expected to be any different for them?
Agree. David Brumbelow referred to a poem I wrote that kind of frames up the situation by which God readies us. We experience the situation without the benefit of understanding God’s redemptive purposing of difficulty through causing things to work together for good. Anyway, the poem. We should as a matter of our faith provide God with the latitude to do whatever it takes to (miraculously) prepare us to be active agents in his Kingdom: Salt Mill (8/1/2005) In order to put Salt on my food I grind it in a mill. I wonder how God gets us ready To… Read more »
thanks, GREG HARVEY, for sharing this
pastors bear the burdens of others in a way that is compounded because of the numbers of those who turn to them in time of trouble . . . I wonder if seminaries prepare their students for what is coming, or even if they can, because the many difficulties are experiential, and each individual responds to the pressures in their own way, some faring better than others
I had great concerns about how the hardness of the churches I served and the meanness of the one that forced my resignation would impact my family long-term. But God used my trials in their lives as well. Today I have two adult children who love and serve the Lord, one in the ministry, and a wife that loves me more than ever even though we have been through so much. And I am more comfortable in my own skin than I have been in my entire adult life, still serving the Lord and looking forward to finishing well. I… Read more »
Todd, Thanks for sharing this. One of the hardest lines for me to draw in ministry is in knowing how much sacrifice I should expect my wife and kids to make. We recently took a significant cut in income and benefits and moved from an urban area to a very small town so I could serve my current church. Like you, I believe we have been faithful in following God’s call. There is much that I enjoy about our present situation. But my wife lost a hard-to-get job with state benefits, and my kids left award-winning schools. We no longer… Read more »
Jeff….amen. My advice as to your wife and kids…shield them from as much of he criticism/gripeing/negativity as you can – absorb it for them…rely on trusted pastoral friends (even-especially? if they arent local) to get council, “vent” , be encouraged and/or rebuked by as necessary. There are two basic reasons I offer this advice… 1. They’re called to follow Christ and love His church too…too much “negativity” can push them from that….you’re supposed to protect them…some things they just don’t need to hear/know. 2. They’re probably already outta thier comfort zone having left (a bigger city, a good job, soccer,… Read more »
I’ve shielded my kids from most of our frustrations with church ministry (I’ve seen far too many preacher’s kids who grow to hate the church) and it helps that I have a pretty good church as far as supporting me and my family goes. I am blessed to have a church that loves us. Many of the frustrations I have described that affect my children have to do with other ministry choices, particularly our journey in adoption and foster care and some of the other hardships of church ministry that have nothing to do with how people treat us.
I believe it is good to shield the wife and kids from as much as you can. But I am glad that even when they have to see how ugly the underbelly of the beast can be, God’s grace is greater. I believe my consistent refusal to allow any congregation to set performance standards for my wife or my kids helped them to respect me as the head of our household. They appreciated being protected from unrealistic expectations. And I believe that is part of what helped them to separate the meanness of some people in church from the mission… Read more »
Sometimes we are under the impression that that is all the Bible presents, namely, the privilege of serving the Lord in suffering and that alone. However, we must remember that Paul, for example, despaired even of life, and that the Psalmist spoke of all of thy waves have gone over my head, The book of Lamentations ends on a note of gloom. Likewise, we must remember texts like, “the hypocrites hope shall perish>”(Job.8:13). Sounds bad, does it not. Well, I titled a message on that text: Hooray! Why because it was the best thing that could have happened. The fellow… Read more »
One article I’ve found particularly helpful on “hardship” in the Christian life is James Bergwall, “When God Makes Life Hard: Exodus 5:1-23.” Journal of Biblical Counseling 19.2 (2001): 49-56.
Bergwall reviews four biblical metaphors of the Christian life that shed light on God’s purpose in suffering and our response as believers. I commend the essay to you.