My husband and I, like many others within the church body, have a deep and abiding love for children. We have always considered our church family to be a great and lasting influence in our lives and are thankful for each and every person we have met along the way. We don’t live near family and that is sometimes difficult for our children, especially. However, we have strived to teach our children that they belong to a greater family that exceeds the limits of our own homefront or DNA. This teaching has extended through all of the churches we have been members of in the last 20 years during which time the military has moved us. We believe our family is better for it! I am thankful for all of the grandmothers and grandfathers who have adopted our children into their families along the way.
One thing that has repeatedly caught my attention over the years, though, is the fact that there is a set of older folks who feel the need, as if it is their assigned job within the church, to tell younger folks with children they need to go away. Do they outright say “leave?” Of course not. But the tone of voice used when saying things such as “We have a nursery for crying babies that you need to take advantage of” speaks volumes to young parents. This is especially true when the phrase “I got nothing out of the sermon today cause your baby was such a disruption.” is added to the conversation.
When did the rule of decorum and reverence to God ever become so wieghty that it over-ruled the rule of love your neighbor?
If we truly believe (and I do) that children are a blessing from God, then why do we curse them for crying or cooing?
Within the confines of the four walls of our church, many of the young women who attend our services are military wives. A high percentage of these ladies have spouses who are currently deployed to Afghanistan or Iraq. An even higher percentage of them have NOT made professions of faith in Jesus Christ. The old saying goes that atheists don’t live in foxholes. Over the last 21 years of combined military service between my husband and I, I’ve found most wives left at home aren’t atheists either. They may not be christians (yet) but many of them are seeking to find “something” that will calm their worries and give them peace.
Another dynamic added to this is that most of these women work during the week and have little time with their children. This may be of their own choosing, but it is a fact none the less. Many moms have told me they feel guilt at having to leave their children during the week and cherish every moment they can spend together on Saturday and Sunday. That means many of these women truly believe their only options are to keep their children with them at church or just not go to church. When they are approached and told that their children are causing a disruption, most choose the latter option. Unfortunately, that also leads to a desire to never again darken the door of a church building.
An underlying theme throughout the New Testament is that Jesus met people where they were. He did not sin in order to meet them in that capacity but He showed them a new and better way. His way.
Three of the gospels (Matthew, Mark, and Luke) give us the story of the disciples rebuking the people who brought the children to Jesus for Him to touch them. Jesus became indignant at this and turned around and rebuked the disciples. Jesus told His disciples that the kingdom of heaven belong to those like them.
Matthew 18 speaks to this as well. Verses 5 and 6 say:
“And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes me. But if anyone causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a large millstone hung around his neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea.”
Christ painted a pretty vivid picture! I don’t think there is much left to imagine at how God’s wrath will be poured out upon those who turn children away and lead them into sin.
By no means do I mean to say that we should have children running up and down the aisles and screaming or playing hide and seek under the pews. That is a true disruption that needs to be attended to. There should be decorum and reverence as we gather to worship our Holy Messiah, Christ Jesus. However, we need to take our cues from our pastor servants and when they follow sound biblical teaching and say they love children in church, we ought to follow their lead.
The last time I checked, the seats in church were not assigned. If you are sitting in the back pew (or even the back half) of the sanctuary and you are annoyed by the mommies and babies who choose to worship Jesus together in the only way they know how, then maybe you should take a hike to the front of the church rather than telling them to take a hike. You may just find you can hear and learn more on the front row than you ever did in the back!
Regarding the seat nazis, tell them they start wearing clothes and hairstyles that aren’t 3o years out of fashion you’ll consider using the nursery.
Just kidding.
Having said that, the better part of a worship service involves hearing so having a baby wailing in the service would be a distraction. The seat nazis should be reminded, however, that there is a big difference between wailing and making soft baby noises.
Sallie, have those who’ve made such remarks been approached and told how their words and tones affect the mothers? Will they read your post today? What do you think we could do if we see something like this happen in our churches? selahV
.-= selahV´s last blog ..WHEN THE DEVIL DANCES… =-.
According to research I did on Billy Sunday, he was an innovator in getting children out of the sanctuary and into the nursery. He did it for the same reason he had them throw dawdust on the floors of the purpose-built “tabernacles” where he spoke. It was highly pragmatic reasoning that was not well thought out in terms of its theological and body-life significance, and it was for one-time mass evangelism events, but we have swallowed Billy Sunday’s pragmatism whole and brought it into the church without taking time to consider it. I think the idea that children are a disruption and should be kept away from the church service is one feature of local churches today that makes church seem like more of a “show” and less of a gathering of the faithful for edification and mutual encouragement.
Selah — Yes, for the most part where we have seen it happen, we have talked with the folks about it, especially as we’ve matured in Christ over the years. I link to this through my blog and twitter and facebook usually but I’m not sure who all reads those, and if they’d tell me if they did 🙂
I purposely wrote the post because I’ve seen it happen so often that I think most folks don’t necessarily realize the tone of voice or attitude they project (i.e. grumpy old fart). I was trying to be a little funny with the “take a hike” part at the end. I do hope that came through!
My husband and I have went to specific folks and tried to gently tell them what was wrong with the way they spoke their thoughts to these younger folks. Also, my husband recently brought it up in a deacons meeting because that was what he was asked to do after speaking with our pastor over a more recent incident. The meeting went pretty well from what I understand.
I have to admit my husband and I sit with our children towards the front of the santuary. Still, though, Í have never heard a child in church be so disruptive with screaming that the parent didn’t take them out after just a minute or two. Too often what I have seen is that young families are being told to take their children out when a baby is simply coo-ing or laughing. Many times this is because all the folks AROUND the baby are making noises or trying to get baby’s attention. This isn’t the baby’s fault or the parents. Maybe if we see that happen, we should aproach that grown-up and tell them their behavior was disruptive.
I think the matter really does for the most part come down to the way the pastor wants to shepherd his flock and if that pastor likes children in the service and wants to make them feel welcome, then that is where we take our cue. It is undermining his authority as pastor when he tells folks “Hey, I love hearing the babies during the sermon.” and then we tell folks we couldn’t pay attention.
If we see a young family being told their baby was too disruptive, then we can offer to help by sitting with them, especially if it is a younger single (or temporarily single in case of military wives or so forth) mom with more than one child. If you are a seamstress, or you can afford to buy some to share, a handkerchief doll or similar “silent” toy would be a nice item to keep in your purse, or to give a young child sitting in your proximity. Bright and bold cloth books with lots of textures are usually a big hit and stay quiet even if thrown down.
If you see someone approach and tell a family rudely (maybe its only slightly rude or maybe it is someone well known in church for their “bluntness” but of course the visitor doesn’t know that) that their child was bad, then maybe you could approach the “teller” and let them know that perhaps they don’t know all the circumstances in a young family and that it is more Christ-like to offer help during the service than to just suggest the nursery. I know personally I kept my children out of nursery before because there was a hitter/biter in there and it was better for me to have my children with me becuase approaching the parent of that child didn’t work at that time. Eventually the problem was solved but I wasn’t going to wait through the lenghth of time that process took.
Does that make sense? Is it enough of an answer? Let me know if not and I’ll give more 🙂
In Christ,
Sallie
.-= Sallie´s last blog ..Rootbeer.. YUM!!! =-.
BTW, I do think the best answer for folks who do think they have an assigned seat on the back pew is for them to try moving forward. Most moms choose to sit in the back so they WON’T be a distraction.
Sallie
.-= Sallie´s last blog ..Delight Directed Learning =-.
Stan,
seat nazi’s.. that’s cute 🙂
GF,
thanks for the history lesson!!
.-= Sallie´s last blog ..Rootbeer.. YUM!!! =-.
Sallie, that’s good stuff for things we could do to help parents. I carry a bunch of things cause I’m a grama who packs a canvas bag, but these are great ideas. It would be a neat ministry for those crafty ladies in our church to make up some of those feeley-cloth books.
My husband is one of those pastors who could preach on no matter what happens with children, or cell-phone rings. Just never seemed to affect him one way or the other. We’ve had it all from screamers, to parents trying to teach their children. Sadly, people don’t realize they need help to encourage them to teach their kiddos how to behave in church. I remember some moms who would tell me that they might as well stay home as bad as their (own) children were in church. They couldn’t concentrate on the message when they were struggling to keep their little ones from crawling under the pews. But I’d just encourage them to keep coming back and keep trying. Kids aren’t going to get better at sitting still or being quiet in church by sitting home playing with their toys.
One thing I’ve done is commend parents who are in church who are worshipping as best they can with the little ones. I try to say something nice to them before they leave. Hopefully if we all do something like that, then it would offset the negative experiences they have.
Thanks for bringing up this subject, Sallie. It helps us all to be more aware of ways we can encourage moms. I live in a military-rich town also. I’m so grateful for our military moms and dads whom we can serve as they serve us. selahV
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