I had a conversation with the son of one of the members of my church last night, and it put me in mind of one of the darkest times in my life, a period no one warned me about. The fact that it coincided with the COVID shutdown didn’t help much. I can’t remember the exact timeframe, but sometime in early 2019 (I think – might have been 2018), my mom was diagnosed with her second round of breast cancer. At one point, the doctors told us that she would likely have three months to live, and mom went on hospice. Soon after that, my dad went on hospice as well, due to his leukemia and other health issues. They both lasted far longer than the projected 6 months I’d always heard associated with hospice care. Dad got COVID (we both got it together in September of 2020 – don’t know who gave it to whom) and went to be with the Lord on October 10, 2020. Mom lasted nearly another year, entering eternity on October 4, 2021.
That 2 1/2 years was among the longest and most difficult of my life, for several reasons. Dad had always been my hero in ministry and in life, and seeing him decline was hard. Mom had dementia and for the last year or so of her life, she was no longer the woman who raised me. There were all sorts of financial issues, care issues, family issues – there were so many things that came up during that time.
I shared all this with the man who is dealing with a similar struggle last night. I told him that going through the illness and eventual loss of his parents may be one of the most difficult times of his life and I was trying to prepare him for what was coming. I believe we need to do a better job of preparing people for this time.
- We prepare young people for the difficulties of marriage.
- We warn young married folks about how hard it will be to raise kids.
- We warn people to prepare for aging, for retirement.
We seldom warn people about what ends up being one of life’s greatest challenges. Raising kids is tough, but the process of watching your parents transition and grow old, become feeble, and eventually die, is among the most difficult times of life and we seldom warn people about it.
- It is emotionally wrenching. My dad was a man of such wisdom and the first time I watched him fall for one of those elderly scams was hard to take.
- The role-reversal aspect is difficult. When the parent becomes childlike (or childish) and the child has to become a parent, things get weird.
- There are decisions that have to be made that are expensive, controversial, and difficult. Too often, there is no good choice.
- Families are often torn apart. If there is any dysfunction in your family, it will rise to the surface and sometimes blow up. It happens. It really does.
There are often times when there are no good choices when parents get sick and cannot care for themselves. Will you care for them yourselves? Put them in a home? Get in-home care? All of these cost more money than most of us preachers have (you might consider rethinking your opposition to playing the lottery – just kidding).
There is one very good book I recommend for seniors and for anyone who is nearing this time in life, “Finishing Well to the Glory of God,” by Dr. John Dunlop. It combines biblical truth with medical, legal, and financial advice. Fantastic resource. I taught it to the seniors in my church in Sioux City. I highly recommend it.
I don’t have a lot of advice here, except to say that this is a period of life we need to prepare for and be aware of. It was a 3-year low point for me. Again, COVID didn’t help, but I think I could have handled a pandemic a lot better if I didn’t have the daily stress of dealing with Mom and Dad’s illness and the grief that accompanied it. We would get the word that Mom was nearing the end and I would go to Florida to say goodbye. Then, she would rally and I would head home, knowing I would not see her again until glory. I said my final farewell to Mom half a dozen times, before we finally gathered around her deathbed.
My point here today is not to elicit sympathy. Dad has been gone nearly three years now, and Mom for two years. I miss them but I am back on an even keel – I have dealt with it. I would make the following suggestions.
- Prepare for what is to come. It’s going to happen. Talk to your parents. Make some plans.
- Deal with whatever family dysfunction there is before this stressful time, before it explodes in that time. Walk through it in unity, not at war.
- Help others, especially in your church, who are going through this time. This is going to be a big stressor to many key leaders in your church family.
