She excitedly held the pregnancy test out to her husband.
“What does that mean? What am I looking at?”
“I’m pregnant!”
“What?!?! Awesome. Oh my gosh! Let’s tell our parents and…”
“No. I want to wait until, you know, later on. Just in case…” she trailed off. He knew what she meant but did not want to say. In case the baby didn’t make it. In case there was a miscarriage.
———-
How many of us have gone through something similar? The exhilaration of pregnancy leads to nervous unease as the days pass. Husband and wife pray, and wait, hoping this pregnancy will make it. Hoping this one is viable. If the heartbreak of miscarriage comes and the news wasn’t shared, then it will be less people to share such pain with. There is no shame to share with everyone. No one has to know you failed…. wait.. what?
Friends, this should not be. Every pregnancy is a gift from God, a tiny human growing inside a mother as the miracle of life begins anew. There is hope, dreams, the promise of a future child and the years to come teaching them, enjoying them, loving them. Conversations are shared as parents think about the future and worry if they are ready, or if it’s not your first child, stocking up on diapers and sleeping as much as possible now.
Why do we hide the wonderful news of conception? I understand the pain of those who have experienced a miscarriage, which are far more than is shared or talked about. It may seem easier to you not to share the news in case a miscarriage happens. Who wants to deal with so many well meaning people when that news is shared? They’ll call. They’ll want to talk. You’ll cry.
Is that so bad? We must grieve. A child has died. It’s not a mass of cells as though you lost a finger. From the point of conception forward it will be nothing other than a human child, always. Grieve that loss, and don’t do it privately. It is not healthy to keep such sorrow pent up inside you, burning fresh holes in your heart day by day as you cry silently with no shoulder but your grieving spouse.
There is also no shame as there is no failure. You did not fail. Let me say that again, you did not fail. God knows the beginning and end of all things including whether that child will be born or not. In reading the Bible where it speaks of women being barren until God opened their womb, do you think that means they were always incapable of pregnancy? Could it be that they miscarried anytime they got pregnant as well? The language used is often, “she conceived and bore a,” but that doesn’t mean she never conceived before. Only that before now she had not conceived and given birth. Idle speculation perhaps, but something to think about.
If we hide pregnancies we hide the dignity, wonder, and beauty of human life. We dehumanize the miracle of life that is the child in the womb. Why would you not want to share that something so wonderful and exciting has happened? By doing so, family and friends can pray for you and the baby. Sharing this hope allows you to be open about the hope and happiness of a child. Celebrate that new life that has begun.
“But,” you object, “what if the baby doesn’t make it? I don’t want to deal with all those people.” Friends, I know. Before Gabriel was born we miscarried. Last month, we miscarried again. I know the shock, sadness, utter disappointment, grief, and heartache of miscarriage. I have one beautiful child here, and two more waiting in heaven. I don’t like dealing with so many people expressing sympathy because it seems to bring it up over and over. I don’t like to cry, especially in front of other people. That’s not what 6’2″ big guys with beards do. (But really, we do.)
Yet, I cannot handle that weight alone or shared only with my wife. I live in community with other believers in Christ who rejoice with me when I rejoice, and weep with me when I weep. I’m much happier being alone or with my wife, but grieving is something that happens in community. Share the news when you get pregnant, rejoice in that blessing. If a miscarriage happens and you lose the baby, it is a comfort to have the saints of God there for you.
Do not let the world harden your heart towards your baby, whether they see the light of day or not. The world, and some of your parents and friends, say wait until the first trimester is over. Wait and make reasonably sure the pregnancy will “make it.” Friends, don’t wait. Throw open the doors on that treasure of a child. Let the world know you are parents! You’re not going to be a parent some day, once you conceive you are “mommy” or “daddy.” Whether you get the blessing of raising them or not, you have the blessing of being that child’s parent. Declare to the world and do not be ashamed, then, at the glorious thing that has happened.
My wife and I are grieving. We have lost another child, this time at 7 weeks. We do not grieve as those who have no hope. We rejoice through tears at the honor and blessing of being parents again, even as we say goodbye, for now, to our child. Friends circle their arms on our shoulders from near and far and cry with us. We look forward to that day, that glorious day, when we shall behold Christ. Somewhere in that waiting throng of saints on high are two children we have yet to meet, but we will.
“But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord. Therefore encourage one another with these words.” (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 ESV)
Nick, I respect your right to grieve as you are doing, by letting everyone know what has happened. However, one of the things that I continue to learn is that people deal with death and the grief and sadness that comes along with it in different ways. There is nothing less spiritual about grieving in a way that is different than that which you have outlined in this post. Thanks for the transparency of your post. I am sure your willingness to be transparent about this very difficult time in your life will prove helpful to many people. Just be… Read more »
Adam,
I definitely don’t want to suggest that those who grieve differently are doing it wrong. My goal was to encourage those who suffer silently that they don’t have to.
Nick
Nick, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. I agree with Adam, however, that not everyone grieves the same. In fact, husbands and wives grieve in different ways. As a man, I can never truly understand what my wife felt like after losing a baby who was actually growing inside her. I think many men will defer to their wives in order to protect them. In other words, when my wife is ready to share, then we will share. Sorry again for your loss. I too, look forward to seeing my child someday.
Nick
We miscarried our first child. That was 50 hers ago. The years have brought a release from grief to a sweet thought that someday I will see my child that I have never seen.
Nate
You are correct people do handle events differently. Our situation was much like yours, when my wife wanted to talk about it she would bring the subject up..I was OK with that.
“I have one beautiful child here, and two more waiting in heaven.” Amen, we have a child in heaven is well – I completely identify with your post. Adam is right we grieve differently – but the point you made in this post that a life has been conceived is very important. I’ve often wondered if we as Christians should not speak differently when it comes to this issue – in that when people ask us how many children we have – should we not consider answering the number of children that we know have been conceived? Thanks for the… Read more »
Amen. I don’t ever answer that I have three kids, but one. Perhaps it’s a gospel opportunity to say that I have three, but two are in heaven?
My middle daughter is eight months pregnant and I couldn’t imagine losing that precious baby girl. Great article brother.
One of the things I find strange is that we say that we value life in the womb but when people lose a child to miscarriage others sometimes act as if its no big deal.
Right – that’s what I was getting at with my question.
Certainly the husband-and-wife grieve and their immediate family grieves.
Let me ask this another way – if a couple has two children – one of them dies in her teen years – wouldn’t we consider it odd for these parents to go around for the rest of their lives stating that they only had one child?
If we believe that actual life begins at conception – then where does that leave us with regard to this issue?
Frank Page wrote about something somewhat similar (though not related to miscarriage) in his book about his daughter Melissa. He caught himself one time after Melissa’s death saying, “I have two children.” It was an “easier” answer. He didn’t have to answer questions about Melissa’s death. He felt terrible afterward, and vowed to never give that answer again.
I’m pretty sure he now answers – “I have two daughters and one is in heaven.”
I think you are right.
Tarheel
What a blessed assurance. Life in Christ is so good.
John
That, my brother is a dynamic statement! It is a big deal. For me my grief was that that child will never know just how much her/his Daddy would have loved her/him.
DL,
Reading this choked me up. I never have suffered the loss of a child, born or unborn, but I love my girls so much that I know it would be devastating. I’m sorry brother.
I tell my girls all the time that I love them so much that it hurts. They look at me weird when I say that. Two of them are fixing to find out first hand what that means. My two oldest girls are both in the family way.
John
Congratulations my brother. Will these be you first grandchildren?
P.S I had a wise older pastor who told me as a young pastor that you cannot tell your children that you love them too many times. Like you, and I am sure the rest of the guys here, took that advice to heart. I enjoy telling my 40 year old son/pastor “I love you” as much as I did when he was a tiny bundle. I know every man here can say the same. God is good, and it is good to be in God’s family.
Thanks brother. Yes Sir, these are my first grand children. My middle daughter is having a little girl, and my oldest doesn’t know what she is having yet.
John
You have some happy times ahead, take it from an old codger who has 5 Grands and 3 Great grands.
I have to say that this really struck a chord with me this morning. My wife and I found out we were expecting for the 7th time on the day before Thanksgiving. (Interestingly, we found out on the same day that we were pregnent with our daughter, Greta Jo, nine years ago). However, out of seven pregnancies, only two have reached full term, and I’ve been struggling over feeling joyous with this most recent one because we buried our son, Ian, this past year, after delivering him at 20 weeks into the pregnancy. There is a huge part of me… Read more »
Joel
I would count it an honor if you would grant me the privilege of praying for this pregnancy. Would you please keep us posted so we will know how to pray.
Your testimony touched my hurt deeply.
My wife and I would LOVE to have you praying for us! And yes, we will keep you posted…
“hurt” should be “heart”
Joel, I’m glad to hear it’s encouraged you to share your joy. I’ll be praying for you, your wife, and your child.
Thank you!
My wife and I lost our first to miscarriage in 1976. We know how it feels and the things NOT to say. Our oldest is now 36yo, our second is 35yo, and our youngest is 32yo. It has been our experience that the church reacts differently to miscarriage than abortion. I have wondered was this random or an act of God? Should we name the conceived child that was miscarried? (We did not use the name that we had selected before the miscarriage. The certificate said “Baby Boy, Allen). Should churches conduct funerals for miscarriages? I still wonder after 37… Read more »
When you lose your first, you worry about each pregnancy afterward. I have 3 adult children and I fretted about each.
Joel,
I understand the depth of your pain. It’s been 37 years and it still is painful.
John Wylie,
“we act if it’s no big deal”. That sums up how I have often felt.
Something else that is important to this discussion. Grieving differently and even at a different level does not necessarily devalue human life. When someone close to me dies, I grieve differently than when someone dies who is an acquaintance. In fact, Jesus grieved differently at the death of Lazarus than at the deaths of others. Lazarus was a dear friend. If something happened to my two year old, there is no doubt that the pain I would feel would be much more intense than when my wife miscarried. I do not think that represents a devaluing of human life in… Read more »
Adam, I hear what you’re trying to say but the relationship is no different between a two-year-old child of yours who dies and a miscarriage – it is still your child – the amount of time that you had developing fellowship with The two-year-old child is different, The familiarity if you will is different, so obviously the mourning and greiving will be different – but the relationship is the same.
You can parse words if you would like. Maybe relationship was a poor choice of words, but obviously I was not suggesting that the child in the womb was not my son/daughter. Spare me the lecture. The third definition for relationship on webster.com is “a state of affairs existing between those having relations or dealings .” So yes, the way we relate to one another is and must be different.
No need to get all snippy.
Plus – Ain’t nobody lecturing you.
😉
I offer a slightly different perspective. My wife, Ms Cheryl and I have two sons, one 17 and one 13. We had a miscarriage between the two boys. We were devastated and this child was and is real to us. However, this experience has made me love the sovereignty of God all the more. The miscarriage that was so tough is what allowed us to have our son, Joel, today. Today, we wouldn’t change a thing b I reject the notion that one will grieve exactly the same over a miscarriage like they will the loss of a 15 year… Read more »
Dean,
I definitely became far more aware of God’s sovereignty after the first miscarriage. Through that event, which was very early in my life as a christian, I came to the church where I now am. Through that event we came to this church family. We have grown immensely in our faith in this community of believers. Friendships that will last forever have been forged. Through tragedy, the Lord has brought joy. He wastes nothing.