Second-Coming Group Announces Rapturous Donation Plan
Members of the fringe evangelical group Day That Never Comes announced a binding vote this week that earmarked “a sizable donation” to the International Mission Board. Buck Skettleswroth – Pastor, Prophet and bighorn hunter – said that when the Savior returns after this weekend’s Boise State game, church members would no longer need their material possessions. Instead, the group has unanimously agreed to bequeath their net worth to “those left-behind, gravy-bathing, badger-hugging heretics” of the SBC. Donations are expected to top $14.72…..(read more here)
Megachurches in Atlanta Announce Agreement on New Fundraising Efforts
A surprise joint press conference hosted by the 8 largest SBC megachurches in the greater Atlanta area announced a new approach to financing “the megachurch” experience. Group spokesman Gregory Connor St. Cloud stood before the gathered press corp, stating, “RF readers, ubiquitous chip-enabled credit cards, entry ways narrow enough for turnstiles. ‘Nuff said.” before dropping the mike and exiting the stage dramatically. A statement prepared for release offered greater details: “As more families pine for the days of the megachurch experience and all it offered, our churches have come together to agree on a minimal cover charge for all returning attendees at any of our churches. Cooperation remains vital as it prevents families from church-hopping in order to get their mega-fix for free. Perhaps by establishing a cooperating program, together we can do more than if we attempted to go it alone…”
IMB Foresees Better Days as Organization Anoints Alabama Pastor as President
What’s in a name? If you’re David Platt and you lead the largest evangelical mission-sending agency in the universe, a lot.
At least, that’s what the Richmond-based Calvinistic organization is expecting. According to an informal statement obtained Thursday evening at the Cracker Barrel at exit 195, just off Interstate 64, “Dr. Platt was obviously the perfect man for the job. I mean come on – with a name like Platt? It’s like printing our own money! We’re Plattinum, baby!” No word yet on whether Neil Diamond was considered for the office.
Southern Women’s Prayer Group Takes Page from SEC’s Playbook, Institutes “Pay to Pray”
What do prayer, septuagenarian woman, and football have in common? In the American South, it’s the SEC.
A local SBC ladies prayer group has announced they will begin structuring their prayer times to prioritize requests that are accompanied by donations to “a well-known international missions fund.” The group’s leader said they would finalize a chart for prorating minutes spent in prayer based on dollars donated “…just as soon as Beulah Battisoni is released from the rehab center after her hip replacement.” Also pending is an announcement detailing the exact percentage of the funds that will actually support the missionary effort. “We’ve got our own administrative costs, of course, what with the price of sweet tea these days. We’ll send some of the funds to the church and the rest will be funneled through various women’s groups, each of which will then send a portion to the missionaries…”
The prayer partners declined to give their location, though their repeated threats to cast various people “down with the Sabanites” gives a pretty good indication. While some have objected to the so-called “Pay to Pray” program, as the ladies see it “if it’s good enough for Les Miles, it’s good enough for us.”
Platt Announces “Bucket of Live Scorpions Challenge” as Fundraiser, Expects It to Go Viral
Dr. David Platt, IMB President and author of the best-selling book “Radical,” issued a challenge to SBC constituents via his weekly ham radio broadcast from his new back yard in Richmond, Virginia. Using the now-famous ice bucket challenge for ALS as his inspiration, Platt announced a new IMB fundraising effort he called “Bucket of Live Scorpions Challenge.” Just as with the ALS/ice bucket treatment, participants must either dump a bucket of live scorpions over their heads or donate $100 to the IMB, preferably directly and not through local church offices. “The time has come,” Platt cried, “for us to do something truly radical!”
An unnamed source in the corporate cafeteria said other rejected ideas were buckets of lava, grits, and those little white beads you find inside beanbag chairs.
As for those who might do the challenge and still donate the money, all Platt asked was that, “…you send the money first…” (read more here)
Dr. David Platt Encourages SBC Members to “Write a Blank Check,” Mail It to Richmond
Newly-minted IMB President David “Blank Check” Platt challenged attendees at a local chapel to step out boldly, giving in faith. Drawing on his own calling to leave the Church at Brook Hills in favor of the highest office in Baptistdom, Platt pushed his listeners to “…follow our example and write a blank check! Just write it today! Send it on down to the home office on Monument Avenue and we’ll help you see just how much you can sacrifice for the call to missions…” (read more here)
Unnamed Finance Committee Trustee Floats Plan to Name “Master Fund-Raiser” Oral Roberts as Coop. Program Spokesman
An anonymous trustee came forward during a recent Executive Committee meeting at Starbucks and proposed the SBC consider naming Oral Roberts as the Cooperative Program spokesman. “The man was The Master Fund-Raiser, a virtual ATM…” said the gentleman between bites of a massive mango-banana muffin. Other committee members sneeringly opposed the idea, making comments like, “He’s dead!” and pointing to Roberts’ demise in 2009 as a potential barrier to the plan.
“Hey,” came the testy reply, “we serve a big, big god…”
Westboro Baptist Church Wins Sealed-Bid Contest for Naming Rights to IMB Main Office Building
OK, I’m done. By the way, it’s a joke, folks.