My life has taken some unfortunate turns in the last few years. My church struggled greatly to recover after COVID and after discussions the leaders thought that a 65 year old pastor might not be their best bet in rejuvenating the church. It was a friendly, cordial, involuntary retirement/resignation/dismissal. Honestly, after nearly a year I still do not know how to describe what happened. People ask what went on and we hem and haw because we do not know how to categorize what happened. They expressed deep love and appreciation and respect for me, then sent me on my way.
Now I am 65 year old pastor who would still like to be a pastor. I am preaching at a delightful little church in Nebraska that is considering joining the SBC and i have sent out resumes. Thud. Let me tell you, churches do not give much weight to resumes from guys whose first pastorates started in 1982.
The last few months have been a time of spiritual inventory, renewal, and confusion, which began in earnest during my trip to Senegal in October and November. One thing has become clear to me as I have prayed and reflected.
Many of my wounds are self-inflicted.
There are people who, I believe, have done me wrong. My recent series on forgiveness flowed from some of those reflections. I needed to forgive some of the people who I felt hurt me. I let things build up and I cut off the flow of God’s power through me. I let some stuff build up and the Spirit has been at work.
There are other issues, and I have a reason for going over them. Many of you are young whippersnappers in the early years of ministry. I encourage you to learn from my mistakes.
There is a biblical principle, built into God’s creation (in those first 6 24 hour days, Jay). It is stated both in the OT and the NT.
You reap what you sow.
Life is choices. Choices have consequences. Many of the issues I am dealing with today are the result of decisions, choices, and failures of mine over the last 45 years.
I am sitting in an airplane, going from Atlanta to JFK. Later tonight, if all goes well, I will head to Senegal, coming back late on Good Friday. I am by myself, in a pensive mood.
Here it is in a nutshell, preacher boys. Every day you will make choices. Make good ones. Every choice is a seed you plant and when you sow them, you will reap a harvest. God is good, better than we deserve. He sometimes protects us from ourselves, but “be sure you sins will find you out.” Your bad choices will eventually bring a harvest.
As I round the turn and head for the homestretch of ministry, I can look you in the eye and say that I have been 100% faithful to my wife. I have not been a predator toward the women or children I have pastored and have always sought to handle church business with high levels of integrity.
I still made some significant mistakes and I think you could learn from them.
- In my youth, I signed what is called a form 4361, opting out of Social Security. Christian financial experts I trusted said it was a good idea and I did it. Now, I was forced into retirement and I am struggling to get Social security. I am subbing at the local schools to get enough quarters to earn the bare minimum. DO NOT FILE 4361.
- I didn’t save early enough or an amount high enough for my retirement. When i was 28 with small kids retirement seemed like a million years away. There was NEVER enough money. Now I have a Guidestone account that won’t likely be enough. SAVE FOR RETIREMENT.
- I knew better than ro get into debt, but I did. Several times I had to take drastic actions to deal with it. Our debt was for Christian schools, college expenses, and helping our kids, (and some poor management at times). If I had the money now that I paid in debt service we would be okay for retirement.
- I let myself get fat. In my early to mid 20s I was a marathon runner. I could eat whatever I wanted and not gain weight. Then I stopped running and kept eating. Over 35 years I gained about 200 pounds. I joked about, but it cost me.
- In 2018 I had 3 surgeries and my health hasn’t been right until this last year (after I left the church.) I believe the church lost confidence in my ability to lead in the future because I was sick so much. The long COVID symptoms that plagued me in 2020 and 2021 were another issue.
Every one of these health issues roots back to my weight gain. Nobody made me eat like I did. It was a lack of self control – that is a fruit of the Spirit I was not living out. I have reaped what I sowed.
As I sit on the plane, my knee is aching. Eighteen months ago I had bariatric surgery and I am down 80 or more pounds. I tried a little jogging mixed in with my walking and my knees paid the price. I did marathons at well over 300 pounds. The bill for 30 years of abuse finally seems to have come due. My knees are reaping what my uncontrolled appetite sowed.
If I could go back and change things, I would. I can’t. Maybe God will heal me. Maybe the Publishers Clearinghouse people will stop by our house.
Let me say that God has been good. He has provided and I am grateful. I am not looking for sympathy. I am saying this:
Young guys: you are sowing seeds every day with the choices you make. Choose your seed well. One day there will be a harvest. You will reap what you sow.
I have sown some good seed along the way and praise God for that, but I wish I had chosen some different seeds 20, 30, 40 years ago.
Choose your seed wisely. Harvest will come one day. You can count on it.
