On Sunday, March 18, I received an email from William Birch, an up-and-coming Baptist blogger who was part of our “Blue Collar Blog Madness” contest, requesting that he be removed from the contest because of immorality that had taken place. He was non-specific. Then, of course, the news broke out that Billy had been arrested for sexual assault on a fellow student at SEBTS. The blogosphere lit up over the next week or so.
It was at that moment that some in the Baptist blog world showed its down side. One blogger speculated blindly that William might have drugged the victim to commit assault. None of that was true, of course. That same kind of wild speculation also was rampant on a forum discussion at another site. People rushed to judgment and made unwarranted conclusions. I’ve not seen apologies, corrections or admissions of faulty reporting concerning any of the untrue information that was posted.
Maybe that can serve as a corrective to us the next time that it is best to wait until the facts come out before we draw our conclusions.
The blog world has moved on, but perhaps some have wondered what has happened to William Birch. I’ve exchanged a few emails with him in the six weeks since this tragedy occurred. He has given me permission to share with you what is going on in his life.
1) William’s emails to me evidence a true repentance that would serve as an example to others. He has never justified or excused his sin, neither the general sin nor the specific act against the other man. He has faced it, admitted it and completely rejected it. I respected William as a blogger, but while his sin shocked me, my respect for him has grown as I have seen his humble, repentant response. He has demonstrated godly sorrow that will eventually, I believe, lead to his healing.
2) William continues to be thankful for the way that SEBTS handled this situation. Danny Akin and the staff there, while they were left without options other than to expel him, did not shun or despise William, but demonstrated grace that helped to begin the healing process. They helped both Billy and his victim take the first steps in the healing process.
3) The court case has been resolved. Here is what happened that day in March. Both sides, the victim and William’s defense, agreed that the case had been overcharged. The charge was reduced from felony sexual assault to misdemeanor sexual battery. The facts were agreed to by both parties and are not in dispute. While the other student slept, William touched him in a sexual way, hoping that he would not be caught. He was. William has been given three years probation and will soon leave North Carolina to return to his Virginia home to continue the healing process.
4) In every email William has written me, one of his chief concerns has been the man he sinned against. There seems to have been some reconciliation there and we should continue to pray for this unnamed young man. Again, it seems that the gracious and godly response of the leadership of SEBTS had a positive effect.
5) William is in counseling and is trying to work on root issues that led to this shameful sequence of events. His relationship with God has grown as a result of all of this and his relationship with his father (which he believes to be a root issue) has also grown “exponentially.” He is attempting to deal with root issues, not just behaviors and symptoms, and this seems to be a genuine course to healing. Each of us should pray for that healing to continue.
6) William expressed something to me that I find encouraging. The perception of many is that the evangelical church is homophobic and hateful to homosexuals. Since William’s issues have surfaced, and in spite of the unkind behavior of a few bloggers, he has been the recipient of a lot of grace within the Christian community – at SEBTS, from Christian friends, and from pastors and churches. The SBC may be closer to the ideal that Dr. Mohler and others have articulated, of an uncompromising but loving response to homosexuality.
7) William is trying to figure out his future, and I would urge all who have an interest in this to pray for him. At the present time, he is just working on healing and restoration. The rest will flow from that.
William is devastated by all this, ashamed, broken – all of those natural things. But what impresses me is the healing power of Christ in all this. Less than two months after his world, and that of his victim’s, was shattered, God has begun the restoration process through his own power and the grace demonstrated by Christian people. While the process is only beginning, it has progressed farther than we might have believed back in mid-March. Christ is more powerful than our sin!
We can speculate on what is wrong in our denomination and in the Christian world. But there are some things that are right as well.
I appreciate William’s willingness to grant me permission to share these thoughts with you.
Dave,
Good to hear.
May the Lord’s grace continue to be sufficient for Billy and for all of us.
Thank you for the update on William.
It is always sad to hear of a brother in Christ falling into sin. My prayers will be with him in his time of healing and restoration.
Just a note of warning. The last time I posted on this, I didn’t allow any comments. Seeing some of the conversations on other blogs, I think that was the right decision here.
I’ve got discussion open for the time being. But as soon as this shows any signs of getting ugly here, I will shut it down.
Fair warning.
I appreciate the update very much. It helps me know how to pray for William. I know full well what a difficult struggle it is to overcome sexual brokenness, but that is what it is. He’s confessing it, addressing, repenting of it and seeking wholeness. That’s what we, as Christian brothers, should want for him and for others in our churches that struggle. It’s not an uncommon struggle and sometimes — like with any sin — opportunities overwhelm determination and a fall occurs. I am so thankful that William is experiencing grace. Perhaps the church is maturing on the issue of homosexuality and addressing it with truth and compassion. This would be a great and welcome shift and I have argued for it and encouraged it endlessly. God bless William in his healing.
Jesus confronted at least two people who were involved in inappropriate sexual relationships. He evidenced grace, kindness, and a forgiving spirit to both.
How can we call ourselves His followers if we do not follow His example as such instances as Mr. Birch’s case, ourselves?
It’s good to hear that many are. It’s sad to think that it’s noteworthy to do so.
Good word, Bob.
Thanks for giving the update Dave. As Thom said, this helps me know how to pray for him in the future. Please pass along my appreciation for him being willing to share a little, and that we are praying for him.
It is a blessing to see God turn an ugly situation into an opportunity for healing, restoration, and His glory to be shown. In a way it fills me with hope. Nothing can ultimately get in the way of God showing his glory.
I’m also thankful for the way you have handled this from the beginning Dave. I know it must of hit you really hard, and naturally various emotions would be running through your head. You dealt with this situation fairly and reminded people like me from the beginning to focus on areas of prayer that would normally be easy to forget.
Just as I was praying for William I want you to know that I was praying for you as well on a personal level of your involvement as well as your involvement as a blogger.
Thank you, Fletcher.
Based on advice, I have deleted an entire series of comments – not that any of them were sinful or evil or anything, but they took the discussion in a direction it does not need to go. I deleted everyone’s comments, including several of my own.
Here’s the fact, which I did not share immediately. William has no plans to ever be involved again in the SBC in ministry or leadership or anything. Once he gets through this healing process, his intent is to go to another denomination to do whatever God leads him to do.
He gave me permission to share about this, but I didn’t think it was germane. The fact is, William does not intend to seek to become a minister in the SBC, or to be involved in SBC leadership, so that entire line of discussion is unnecessary.
To be honest, I’m not interested in speculative debate on this. If you have a question for William, I would be glad to pass it on to him. If you have a comment for him, he may well read this and I will pass it on.
But, while I haven’t closed comments, I want us to avoid speculative areas.
I hope you understand.
For the record, again, he did not indicate that he intended to minister in that other denomination, just to switch to it. I just read this again and realized I may have given a wrong impression.
As always, you can complain to davemillerisajerk@hotmail.com
I believe in the power of the gospel. There are no hopeless situations because of the empty tomb. I pray that Wiliam will continue to grow in repentance and faith (as I hope to) and find his identity, worth, acceptance, and satisfaction in his relationship with Jesus. May the freedom and forgiveness accessed in union with Christ be the prevailing testimony of this sad situation. Where sin abounded, grace abounded all the more.
Thanks, Tim.
William and I have been “blogger buddies” for several years. We talked somewhat regularly on facebook and it was fruitful for me to discuss theology with him. I was very impressed by his ability to catalog information and past citations and present them in a readable and informative way. I thought he had a bright future in academia. I was very saddened when I heard what had happened, but am very glad to see this update. Thank you for keeping in touch with him and letting us know his situation. Thank God for His grace and love for us. It’s tragic what happened, but I’m glad to see that things seem to be heading in the right direction.
At the outset let me say that this comment really does not have anything to do personally with Mr. Birch although it is obviously the result of his circumstances. I appreciate his honesty, the kindness with which he is being treated, and the resources made available to him which I see as an act of love. However, I am still going to venture a response to this report because:
A. I suffer from same-sex attraction,
B. I have seen leaders within my community of believers who have been caught in public acting on same-sex attraction,
C. I have watched the “process” by which both the person and the “issue” have moved quickly out of the public eye, and
D. I want to write some things down to help me see a bit more clearly how my community maneuvers around same-sex attraction.
As a final preface, and given what I have seen of the deletions in regard to comments about Mr. Birch, I appreciate what Dave is trying to do on these posts. Thus, Dave, if you feel my comments are not consistent with your intent, you will not upset me in any way if you delete my comments. I also know that this will be a late post that I suspect no one will see so it might not matter anyhow. However, I would still like to reflect on this issue instead of simply react. In any event, whether this comment is deleted or even read, I think my comments will be helpful to me (in particular) and to my community of faith (in general) to be able to establish a conversation about what it means to be active in Southern Baptist life (either locally or on a larger stage) and struggle with same-sex attraction.
I would first like to observe that we have a nice language for these types of events (which include all forms of sexual disorders that come to our attention): sin, repentance, honesty, healing, the “healing process”, redemption, and restoration. All of these words are good, substantial words that mean something, especially in these moments, and I know we mean them when we speak them. However, what does it really mean for a Southern Baptist leader suddenly caught in the public eye in a circumstance involving same-sex attraction?
I know a little about this topic because while my open acts were private, they were still public in the sense they were seen by at least one other person. Plus, I know that when these acts occurred, I knew of the compulsion that brought them to light although I did not know what it all meant (why was I doing what I did) and, given how I wanted to see myself (and be seen by God), denial was my friend. In other words, my acts did not erupt out of nothingness; they had a history. Because I have stated on this site before that I have never engaged in a sexual act with someone of my own sex (which does not mean much because I know how close I have come to acting and Jesus was quite clear about interior activity not expressed in overt acts), I want to explain what I mean by my “open acts.” In general there are a number of sexual endeavors that erupt out of the imperative compulsion inherent in same-sex attraction and which tend to lead to the unfolding of the truth. In my case it was cross-dressing – first in private, and then visible to my wife. In time my wife told me of her revulsion and what it might mean for our marriage if I continued. When she said these words, my world collapsed in on me and I felt like Adam: naked before God and man, without solid ground beneath my feet.
In time, my continued activity was brought to the wider attention of a counselor and I started the “healing process”. What this meant for me, in mostly this order, was:
A. I was deeply shamed, confused, hurt, and preternaturally aware of what it might cost me (my marriage, my family, my church, etc.) and the fact my shame was now public (It had been acknowledged; I was talking to someone about it).
B. At the outset I just wanted the hurt to go away, for the world to stop turning, and my relations with others to be restored.
C. I acknowledged it was wrong, and eventually stopped.
D. I called out to God and sought His help because I needed Him like I had never needed Him before. I began to reach out to Him in a sort of desperate, “no strings attached” kind of way. I begged God to “heal” me and to make this thing go away.
E. As my world sort of settled down, I wanted God and others to see it was not my fault and that it all came about because of an internal eruption beyond my control. It was a sort of revelation about how I felt and an acknowledgement that, after all, I had no control over my feelings. In short, I tried to explain to myself, my counselor, my wife, and God that it was not something I sought; it was something that sought me out and overwhelmed me. In short, I began to rationalize that I something happened over which I had no control and that I was not necessarily responsible.
F. Finally, there came a time when I wanted others to “accept me as I am” with my faults (even if I did not act on them) because these feelings arose out of a power that I had not sought.
Throughout it all, I worked hard at “healing” because what I wanted most of all was for my hurt to end and my life to get back on track. I sensed if I were “healed”, I could go back to being a good person, right before God, my wife, my family, my church, and all mankind. This then, is what I see as the “healing process”. It was, but in all the months it took to go through these steps of “healing” (and I know some might argue whether some steps were, in fact, acts of healing), these steps were only the beginning.
One of the interesting things about seeking God is that God seeks back. While I wanted “healing”, what God was quietly and patiently preparing me for was the truth. It was then that truth (capital “T”, if you will) began to insinuate itself into my life. In time I came to see that it was not that God saw my actions as wrong (which He did – and so did I) but that God wanted me to see the truth of the madness that swirled within. I don’t know the moment it happened, but as the “healing process” sort of tapered out, I found myself moving into the reality of truth wrapped up in God, so to speak. It all led up to the moment when, away from any counselor, I once again found myself in a familiar eruption of imperative feeling, the kind I had experienced all my life. However, this time I not only fought off the feeling (which I had done in the past) but then sort of turned to God, looked up to Him and, for the first time in my life, asked myself: What was I feeling? At that moment it was like God picked me up, turned me around and made me look at this thing full in the face. When I did, I saw something awful.
Not awful in the sense that it was wrong and I ought not to do it in order to be a good man or Christian. Instead it was awful in the way all sin is awful. It was sort of like God pulled me near and had me stand by Him so I could see it as God saw it. I saw something that arose out of some primeval part of me, the part that destroyed creation. I could see it was not an innate feeling although I felt it powerfully. Instead, I sensed, perhaps through the love of God, that it was a visceral and unnatural force that threatened to overwhelm me. I saw its power and caught a whiff of its intent. In an instant I instinctively saw this thing was not me and it could never be something I could accept as me. In time, with the help and strong arm of God, this thing gave up ground inside of me although it is still there. In time I saw it clearly, learned of its power and desire, saw the many ways it came for me, and what it wanted from me. God was good and over time the domain of this thing grew smaller which, you should know, is not necessarily an easy place to be because it now knows it is cornered and it fights even harder. From my first glimpse of the truth of this thing until now is almost 25 years. I am not “healed” yet.
So what does this have to do with the present comment? Two things, I believe. First, I see healing from same-sex attraction not as a “process”; I see it as a new state of being. Things like same-sex attraction are not like illnesses or broken bones. You don’t go to a counselor, see the wrong, confess it, repent, make amends, haul out the past and see its truth, and then arrive at some point where you can say: “I am healed”. Instead, it is like a rebirth, finding a point where you can begin with God and then allow God the opportunity to give you new life, a life you then spend years growing into. It means being forced to look at the imperative of this thing (which is powerful, unrelenting, and easily denied) and, if you are successful, you can then discern its intent and source. If you draw near to God, you will see its source in time and if you do, you will find there is a sort of creational disorder, whereby the possibility of you was altered either through trauma or other dysfunction. If you see its source, you will learn of the true character of the Adversary and what it truly means to be caught in sin.
Thus, the “healing process” for same-sex attraction is not like an operation from which you be repaired and then declared to be “good as new” so you can start afresh on your life and ministry. Instead, it is a process of rebirth into a new life as you fight against something that, at least for me, has never withdrawn its talons from my soul and sensuality. I know who I am, and who God wants me to be. I am more that man now then I was but until the day arrives when God tears this thing from my being, I am still a new and growing creation not yet free of this thing. Of course, you can say that about your Christian life, and that is true. However, unlike just growing in Christ, same-sex attraction is a battle for your being, a battle waged on the plain of Armageddon. Thus, in my experience, same-sex attraction is not fixed; it is replaced by a restored creation over a long period of time. Again; I am neither sick nor broken; instead I see myself as creationally disordered, a condition which has ameliorated over time. One day I may be “healed”, but I can only wait on God.
It is here that grace abounds. God makes room for us and draws us to him in even the worst of moments. It is all of the words we use. It is love because we are never alone and never disappointed. It is honesty of the brutal kind: speaking truth to God and having God speak truth to us in ways that provide the means whereby the Holy Spirit transforms. It is repentance because we not only know there is a better way; we are open to the Holy Spirit to make us the better way. It is the confession not just of acts of omission and commission; it is confession in the way that we see ourselves as God see us. It is redemption involving the kind of epic and heroic outcome, where, like Israel, we are brought out of bondage into (yes, a sometimes grumbling – why don’t you just fix it, God) true freedom. It is the healing of true rebirth into a new man. It is all these things and more and it takes time and courage and prayer and fellowship and accountability and hope and love and steadfast faith. It is God’s opportunity and we can never say to ourselves: it is done.
Second, it is about restoration. But what does “restoration” really mean? Does it mean restoration to fellowship? With God? With fellow Christians? Does it mean restoration to ministry? Ordained Leadership? It is here where we founder because we seem not to want to speak truly about what it means to be restored from sin, especially a sin like same-sex attraction. Because I am afflicted by it, I think I can say things others might not wish to say. Let’s start with God. For us to be restored in the right sense with God, we have to confess by seeing not just the “sin” we have done but we have to see ourselves clearly as if through the eyes of God. Nothing is hidden from God but a lot of things inside us are hidden from ourselves. There is a place God wants each of us to be and that place is Jesus. To get there we have do more than act like Jesus, we have to become like Jesus. That starts with placing ourselves in the hands of God and allowing God to show us who we are, and maybe why we are. It is a confession of absolute truth that leads to true humility, the place where we see we are totally dependent on God for our true being and self. It is also an abject humility because if we see clearly, we know we are not, and can never be, the person God wants us to be. God always loves us and wants us near and it is in this nearness that we can take on the better complexions of being. Thus, we have to see ourselves like God sees us, we have to know the truth of ourselves, we have to see what we can and cannot do (which is much, especially with same-sex attraction), and we have to want to be with God more than life itself. This is restoration and despite its harsh reality, restoration is easy with God.
However, with man, it is a bit more difficult. First, we should never need to be restored to Christian fellowship unless we are determined in our sin, as when we spit our sin in the face of our brothers and sisters. However, we are never to pull away if a brother or sister is caught in sin, followed by confession and a genuine statement of contrition and remorse because Jesus is quite clear about forgiveness. In fact, if the party caught in sin pulls away in shame, we have to seek him or her out and bring them close. Thus, I do not see restoration of fellowship as an issue where sin is acknowledged and repudiated. However, if all our Christian brethren can muster is being nice or merely civil, we are not necessarily restored to fellowship. If the brethren view the afflicted person with revulsion, anger, or disgust, covered over with a sort of strained and obvious civility, here is no real restoration. Fellowship lives in love and love is what we ought to wrap around each of us. With same-sex attraction and its public eruptions, sometimes restoration is necessary because fellowship is needlessly sundered.
Second, there is still an opportunity for restoration to ministry by someone who has righted herself or himself with God from an overt expression of same-sex attraction. Paul is clear that we can minister out of what God has done with our afflictions; we give of what God has given us. Thus, there can be restoration to ministry once the person has arrived at the point where he or she can act decisively and certainly with God out of their affliction. However, it is obvious that it takes time and maturity in God to arrive at the point. That point can be proclaimed by the individual and then affirmed by the larger community. I have seen a number of people who came out of the homosexual lifestyle have their lives transformed and then start successful ministries to homosexuals. However, it takes time and God to get them to the point of ministry.
Finally, we get to the issue of leadership. There are all sorts of levels of lay leadership wherein restoration is possible. For example, I teach out of what God has shown me in my struggle and, I believe, it is appropriate, good, and righteous. However, I think the more difficult issue is restoration to ordained/church leadership. This post, in particular, is evidence of that discomfort with this issue. First, Mr. Birch was expelled from Southeastern which, I believe, all see as an appropriate consequence. I can also see that restoration to study at Southeastern can be effected. Time and a deeper fellowship with God need to pass before a restoration to Southeastern can be effected, especially for the academic aspects of Christian education.
However, that is only training and education; it is not public and communal appointment to church leadership of a high level. It is here we need to spend some time. As noted in the post, Mr. Birch recognizes that he cannot hold pastoral/ministerial leadership in the SBC and we seem to recognize it also. However, it is also noted that he will go to another denomination to allow for leadership opportunities.
It is this last instance of ordained pastoral/ministerial leadership that sort of begs the unspoken question: If we, as Southern Baptists, would hold that Mr. Birch cannot be “restored” to pastoral/ministerial leadership but other denominations will allow restoration, are we right or are the other denominations right? But even more seriously, if we are right about leadership, what ought we to say to someone like me or Mr. Birch if he still feels the call to pastoral/ministerial leadership? Because I know what swirls inside of me, I can answer that question even though God has not called me to pastoral/ministerial leadership – and I do not believe He ever will. If no one else will speak about restoration to ordained pastoral/ministerial leadership, please let me because in a sense I will be speaking from my self to my self.
Here is what I would say to someone afflicted with same-sex attraction who feels called to go into pastoral/preaching ministry. The first thing I would say is to lay your calling aside for the moment in order to get a full appreciation of what you are up against. I would say that the affliction of same-sex sensuality is not a matter of temptation or lust even though both are present. My compulsion to cross-dress was powerful, unsought, highly sensual, and demanding; it was not something I chose and was not something that temptation laid before me. Instead, it arose out of a disordered part of me and it was the beginning of a drama that had, at its core, same-sex attraction. Thus, I would say to one who has been compelled to act on the sensualities inherent in same sex attraction: It is not enough to just look at the act and feel contrition and remorse, or even repudiate what you have done; you need to truly see its genesis. There is a power, will, truth, and imperative that is easy to deny, especially if you have grown up in faith and know this feeling is “sin”. In other words, do not think that what happened is an aberration or something you can consign to the dustbin of “sin” and walk away. Instead, you have to know that it is the harbinger of a truth you will not wish to see and a truth that will wage active and unrelenting war against the goodness of God.
If you can grasp somehow the reality that you are now in war, you might perhaps see why public pastoral/preaching ministry might be dangerous for you – and for those who will rely upon you. After all, preachers and pastors and ordained ministers are public reflections of God and Jesus and there are unusual strains and burdens that can magnify the intensity of the battle. In a sense you become more vulnerable because you will be carrying the weight of others and you have to set aside the weight of your sin. This thing can only be overcome with constant attention and a sort of truth that pushes all else aside. I only became public in my teaching ministry when God had me to the point of a power in the Spirit that was not really mine. Even then I know how it came for me and how weak I was. While it is true that I fought harder not to be unfaithful to my ministry, I know how much more attention Satan paid to me as it incited this thing. Unless you have spent a lot of years getting to know this thing, you will never know of its ultimate power and your weakness in the face of it.
I would tell someone like me considering public ordained ministry that you must know of the creational disorder from which this thing arises. Only then can you see the true nature of what it represents and the force behind it. Only then can you see the damage done to you and why, in humility and grace, you have to accept that not all opportunities are open to you. Fair? No. Right? No. But this is not about fairness and equity; it is about the power of evil to destroy lives. Once caught and damaged, God can and does heal and restore a sense of creational order, but it is done against the backdrop of a singular kind hatred from which you will recoil once you catch a whiff it. You are now caught, open and visible, on a battleground not of your making. It is like losing your legs to a land mine. You can never walk or run like you used to and, if the damage is even more severe, you will be constrained in what you can do. Likewise, I know I am wounded and it is the kind of wound that I know will hinder any significant, denominational leadership if I should endeavor to seek and answer a call.
I would also say that there is recompense in ways that only your soul will understand. There is a closeness to God that is different and an understanding of the power of the Kingdom and of heaven that will sometimes not be seen by those whose lives are a bit more blessed. It is also an opportunity to minister in the backwaters of reputation and recognition, the places where only Jesus is present. It is a place where it is just you and God and no other and your life is no longer your own. In a sense it is like entering a monastery where you become singularly dedicated to God and pick up a ministry of affliction that will render you more whole (and holy) than anything you might imagine. It is the reward of the least among us and it leaves no room for pride or ambition or public renown. It is a place of acceptance of what is and the humility that comes from knowing what comes out of you is God. I would say to accept this ministry, this life, and this way with humility and love.
In the end, I can say, with conviction of experience and the sincerity born of love: I believe we are right to gently say to those like me that ordained pastoral/preaching/ministerial leadership ought not to be bestowed. I know it is a hard thing to say and hear, but one I see as necessary. It is an answer I believe I have seen as true in time and one I pray those afflicted like I will also see as true in time.