Note: There are over 48,000 churches in friendly cooperation with the SBC. These churches relate most closely to a local association of 30-50 other churches and also to their state convention and the national SBC which is represented by the SBC Executive Committee in Nashville. The EC is an 86-person body that acts on behalf of the SBC between times the convention is in session. A small group of EC members are appointed to a standing committee called the Credentials Committee and that group “make[s] inquiries and recommendations for action regarding instances of sexual abuse, racism or other issues that call a church’s relationship with the SBC into question.” The average SBC church is around 125 people on Sunday morning with a majority of the 48k being under 100.
One of these churches got a phone call from the EC Credentials Committee. Here’s a transcript:
Credentials Committee member Rev. Tom Q. Mada: “Hello, may I speak to Pastor Bubba?”
Rev. Bubba Bob Jones, pastor of Podunk Crossroads Baptist Church in Nowhere, GA: “This is Bubba. Down here I answer the phone for myself, always have. Who this?”
TM: “Rev. Tom Q. Mada calling from Nashville on behalf of the SBC Executive Committee and the Credentials Committee.”
Bubba: “Nashville? I’ve never gotten a call from Nashville. You mean in Tenessee, not Nashville, GA?”
TM: “Right, Bubba. SBC HQ in Nashville, Tennessee.”
Bubba: “Well, what can I do for you, and why isn’t my church SBC HQ anymore? That’s what you guys always said.”
TM: “It used to be, Bubba. But I’m calling because we’ve got a problem here. It’s been reported that you have a staff member who is Executive Pastor who is a woman. Is this true?”
Bubba: “Come to think of it, we do, actually. Had a man in that job but all he did was watch porn sites on the church computer and the dude nearly stole us blind. Had to fire him. We were blessed to find a woman in the church with administrative experience. We hired her and she has that job now. Does a great job. We didn’t bother to change the job title or the sign on her office door. So what’s that to you guys 600 miles away who never even heard of my church and who reports this stuff anyway?”
TM: “Never mind that. You know you cannot have a woman as a pastor of any kind in the SBC? That’s the problem.”
Bubba: “She’s under my authority. Who appointed you to police SBC church job titles?
TM: “Both the Baptist Faith and Message and the Executive Committee appointed me to do this and, Bubba. You’re going to have to get a man for that job.”
Bubba: “Hold on a sec, bro. No one tells my church what to do, certainly not some denominational bureaucrat in Nashville. And me and my church affirm and closely line up with the BFM. We’re as Southern Baptist as fried chicken and artery clogging casseroles. My church led the association in baptisms last year. We’ve doubled our Lottie Moon giving, increased our Annie Armstrong giving, and give way above average to the Cooperative Program. Why am I getting a call from Nashville about a name plate on a door of a woman staff member?”
TM: “Yeah, well, thanks for all the good things you and your church does but you’ve got to get in line on this woman pastor business. It’s not an optional matter.”
Bubba: “On anyone in Nashville telling us what I have to do…we’ve got a phrase that I can’t use but it has to do with male bovine waste.”
TM: “Don’t get ugly, Bubba. We’re only trying to unify the convention.”
Bubba: “I’m smelling that bovine stuff again but I’m a peace loving guy. The staff job doesn’t involve preaching, baptizing, or church-wide pastoral responsibilities. The function is totally different than my own, for example. We just like the title and I don’t see that it’s any of your business anyway.”
TM: “I respect that but it doesn’t matter. Either you change the anatomy of the occupant of that office or change the title.”
Bubba: “Bro, you want me to get into transgender surgery or sumpin’? This is nuts.”
TM: “Your church is in danger of exclusion if you don’t.”
Bubba: “You can exclude until the cows come home, and I think I hear them mooing now. My church is as Southern Baptist as they get.You don’t like a job title? Tough. So, how, after my church has been around since before the SBC was founded up in Augusta and has been SBC ever since, did you become aware of my staff and job titles?”
TM: “You got reported.”
Bubba: “Who reported me.”
TM: “Can’t tell you dear brother and it’s a secret file anyway.”
Bubba: “You got some spy down here in south Georgia reporting me for a job title on a door? You have a network of spies all over policing job titles and descriptions and you’re gonna unify the convention this way.”
TM: “That’s right, Bubba. You’re just a small church country pastor, probably don’t have a seminary degree like me, so don’t question what we do up here.”
Bubba: “Fine exclude all you want. And how tight can you roll up your seminary degree?”
TM: “What difference would that make?”
Bubba: “Never mind. In fact put me on your do-not-call list. I can’t see any profit in this discussion.”
TM: “You’ve been warned, Bubba. But, I’ve got a lot of phone calls to make.”
Bubba: “I’m busy at the moment representing Jesus in my community. I don’t care what Nashville thinks about my vocabulary.”
Bubba: “You’re making a lot of inquiries of other churches for staff job titles and descriptions? What exactly would you call that? An inquisition maybe? Bye.”
