My husband and I were both Christians when we became involved with each other but our life did not bear the fruit of it in many ways. We broke up, but then I found out I was pregnant. My now sister in law told him I was pregnant (because I refused to) and after a few weeks of fighting about it we were married.
I loved Mike very much but I knew he had cold feet for a reason. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to marry me, but I also didn’t want to feel like I was second choice either. Nearly 18 years later, we are both the wiser and each of us have a deep and intimate relationship with Christ. We are part of a very rare group who got married and stayed married. We owe it all to God and we thank him daily for blessing us!
Because of our own sinful actions in our early years, we are now very open and vocal with our children. We don’t just tell them not to have sex before marriage but we take them to scripture and show them what Gods desire is for them. We make it a point to talk constantly about these things in our home so that our children never have a question as to what our stance is. We also have not hidden the fact from our children that we were expecting our first child when we made our marriage vows before God. We are greatly saddened by parents who avoid or outright lie to their children about this issue, as if the children are not one day going to be old enough to count and figure it out. Truth, rather than excuses to why you hid this fact, is always the best route to take.
We don’t allow our children to have boy/girlfriends and they are not allowed to date, even in group settings. We used to think early on in our marriage that maybe at 16 we would let our children date in groups but, thankfully, we never really put any set rule into place about it. As our whole family matured together, my husband and I realized that even group dating was still not an option in our minds.
When God created Adam in the garden and found that there wasn’t a partner for him, scripture doesn’t tell us that God created several women for Adam to take his pick from. God created one woman, Eve. Hebrews 13:4 tells us to “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous.” Marriage is considered a sacrifice that is pleasing to God!
We began teaching our children that God has a specific person picked out for them and that our job as parents, and their jobs as a future spouse, is to be patient and wait on the Lords timing while always being in prayer. As a family we all began praying for each other for wisdom and guidance and the same for each others future spouse. I won’t lie and say that this has been a perfectly easy path for us, as we are all born with a sinful nature that likes to rebel. We have however stayed the course, and our family is stronger because of the choices we have made.
Our daughter, the oldest, is 17 and she has become a mentor to several younger, teen-aged ladies in our neighborhood. These young ladies are not churched, in general, and can only on occasion get permission to attend with our family, and yet they look up to my daughter and ask her for advice. They tell her that they see she is different and they trust what she is saying to them. There have been many good conversations between my daughter and her friends about why she covers up at the pool even though she only wears a one-piece suit, why she doesn’t have a boyfriend, why she won’t take the birth control pill to help get rid of acne, what Jesus Christ means to her, and more. Several of the parents have told me what a sweetheart Victoria is and how glad they are that their younger daughters have someone to talk to other than the kids at school.
On the other end of the spectrum, though, in our youth group at church some of the choices my daughter has made (and our family in general I suppose) have been met with ridicule, even from the adults. For example, last fall the youth took a trip out of town and while riding in the car with two of the adults and a few girls the topic of boyfriends came up. My daughter stated that she was waiting for the right person that God has picked for her and then she would follow the pattern of courtship in getting to know him. She stood her ground well but was faced with laughter and an attitude of “you don’t know what you are talking about” from the ADULTS riding in the car with her. They told her she was too naive and to just wait until she got to college and had all the temptations there. She told me she didn’t mind the direction of the conversation (she’s had debate classes and likes a good argument) and didn’t take it personally, except that it seemed to tell the other girls in the car with them that the adults thought waiting on God was useless, or at the very least you could have fun while you waited. She also felt like they left the impression that trying to hold out against temptation was useless and you have no choice but to give in. I have to tell you, my daughters expression of continued love and grace has been a good example for me in talking with these adults later on because my sinful human nature wanted to ring a few necks when I first heard the recounting of the conversation!
Parents, leaders in our churches, youth leaders, we MUST get back to telling our kids the truth about what God wants for them and how He expects them to act. We have to get over our own guilt about not doing things right, accept His forgiveness for those sins, and not let our kids use US as an excuse for their own failings. It is no wonder that we have as many unplanned pregnancies, pornography addictions, and divorces in our churches as we do. What example, as a whole, are we setting for the world around us? Never mind the world, what example are we setting for EACH OTHER? We are failing our children in this area, but worse than that we are failing God.
Be sober minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. (1 Peter 5:8)
Folks, let me tell ya, the devil doesn’t need to search for the lost of the world because he already has them. He wants to devour our children and we are letting him do it on a daily basis. We have to make better choices, godly choices, in teaching our children about sex, relationships, and marriage. Don’t just talk about it once and leave it at that. Make it a living lesson taught daily within your home! Look at the world around you. Do you really think you can afford NOT to teach your children these lessons? I don’t think so.
The story of your daughter’s encounter with the adults just confirms my opinion that most “christians” are basically practicing atheists. Would that it weren’t so! Lord, deliver us from our self reliance!
James
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I agree with James. This is what we see in many churches. It is sickening and disappointing. We end up having to protect our children against “Christians” who discourage them from trusting God with thier lives. Strange.
Thank you for serving us with this article, Sallie.
I appreciate your article. I do have a question though – do you really believe God has a specific mate picked out for each believer? That’s not a biblical promise. Marriage is the norm for most, but it’s not a promise given by God that all believers will have a spouse.
If you are asking if I believe all Christians are called to marriage, then my answer is no and believe of course scripture backs that up. Paul even said if you could remain single then to remain that way as was his example. So, for those folks obviously there is not a specific mate for them.
Did that answer your question?
Have a blessed day 🙂
Sallie
Sallies last blog post..It's Spring…
Sallie, Bless you for writing this. My kids are still pretty young, but we are determined to talk to them with candor and to shield them from unnecessary harm as much as possible. We have a young couple in our church who are now in the position that you faced almost 18 years ago, except that she is still a junior in high school and marriage isn’t an immediate option. I don’t know what age you were or if you have any practical advice for a situation like that, but I plan to share your story in this post with… Read more »
Bonnie — I do not believe everyone is called to marriage but I do believe God has a specific person for those who are called to marriage. We just don’t always wait on Him to show us. Does that answer your question? Jeff — I was 19 and out on my own in the Air Force, my husband was 26. I know without a doubt that God brought us together but we were acting in sin and not relying on Him at the time. We are truly blessed to have the outcome that we do and thank God for it… Read more »
Bonnie — I do not believe everyone is called to marriage but I do believe God has a specific person for those who are called to marriage. We just don’t always wait on Him to show us. Does that answer your question? Jeff — I was 19 and out on my own in the Air Force, my husband was 26. I know without a doubt that God brought us together but we were acting in sin and not relying on Him at the time. We are truly blessed to have the outcome that we do and thank God for it… Read more »
Bonnie — I do not believe everyone is called to marriage but I do believe God has a specific person for those who are called to marriage. We just don’t always wait on Him to show us. Does that answer your question? No, I’m sorry, I don’t think it does. You wrote that you tell your children that “God has a specific person picked out for them.” By that statement, I assume you mean that you believe your children are called to marriage, but how can you know that? Most certainly we should emphasize to children and young adults what… Read more »
Bonnie — I think it is safe to say that parents know their own children pretty well. We know and talk about the desires of our childrens hearts constantly in our homes. They all desire to have families of their own and because God is faithful in His promises, I believe he will grant the answers to our prayers for and of our children. Psalm 37 tells us that the Lord will give us the desires of our heart. We have to be committed to Him; we have to make Him Lord of our life and not our spouse or… Read more »
Sallie – I understand what you are saying, but I cannot fully agree. Yes, the Lord promises to give us the desires of our hearts, but He fulfills those desires that are for His glory and our good. Our desires are to be for those things that are in accord with His good pleasure, which may or may not include a spouse.
I am interested in finding a great speaker on courtship vrs. dating. Can you make a recommendation? Our homeschool group would like to host an event in support of courtship. We are located in the middle Tennessee area.
Thank you,
Shannon Lane
Shannon,
I have a person that is potentially great for what you would like!
E-mail me at matt_svoboda@hotmail.com
He is a Lead Pastor at The Bridge in Spring Hill, Tennessee. He is a great communicator. Once you e-mail me I will give you his info and then I will let him know you will be contacting him.
i think God has choosen each one of us lifetime married patner, we dont need to date inoder to find them, GOD has created them for us, we just need to wait for him and his promises and at his right time he will come to fulfill his beutiful promise for us.