…when you pry them from my cold dead fingers. The only exceptions to that are if my doctor gives me an especially grave lecture or my wife gives me a sidelong glance.
After all, I spent most of 2018 answering the same question from the Kroger cashiers, “Did you find everything you needed?”
My answer was always, “No. You didn’t have white fudge Oreos,” after which I’d usually get a puzzled look. Once or twice the nice cashier said, “Yeah, those are really good. I think they are a Christmas item.” Indeed. But when I found them, I exercised notable restraint by buying only three boxes: one for me, one for my grandkids to give me for my birthday, and one for a friend with whom I have a reciprocal arrangement – if I see them I get him a box and he does the same for me. Thus, ended up with all three boxes. I have perfected the Oreo trifecta. Quite an accomplishment, I would modestly assert.
But I have zero respect for anyone who goes for the cheap and industrial Little Debbie Christmas Tree Cakes. “Highly processed!” screams one nutrition analysis. Ya think?
Christmas brings all kinds of great food. In one of my churches the deacons and wives would load the van and take a trip, with their beloved pastor and wife as guests, to a restaurant in the western NC mountains. The restaurant had a bit of a thing with country ham. “The ham what am” they advertised and you could eat all you want. After several years we were there once again, seated and served, enjoying the good old super salty ham. I don’t think there is an American with a sodium deficit but if there were, it could be demolished in less than an hour consuming that ham. The deacon chairman, a great guy who dined con gusto every Christmas, asked the server for another round of ham.
“Sorry,” the server answered. “We don’t do it that way any longer.” She didn’t say it but the message was, “This is all you get.”
The deacon almost shot out of his chair but stifled his indignation. Needless to say (and I’m sure you could see this coming), in less than the time it takes a pig to oink the ‘ham what am’ became ‘the ham what ain’t.’ True story without a bit of ministerial embellishment. We never went back.
In all the years I pastored and attended Christmas events, the finger foods, the dinners, the luncheons I don’t recall that anyone brought a dish of homemade ambrosia. Ambrosia was a specialty of my mother and her mother before her. Both were well ahead of their time in that the dish was single source (they got all the ingredients at the grocery store) and natural, though I don’t know how a cherry, tangerine wedge, hand-shredded coconut or the other fruit in the dish could not be natural. They grow the stuff, right? It was a great treat that took a lot of tedious hand preparation. Haven’t had it in 20 years or so just thinking about it and makes me miss my wonderful mother. Not a church dish, I suppose. Maybe it has to do with it being ‘food of the gods.’
Around my house, when Christmas approaches a sign goes up in the kitchen: “Touch not these confections.” My wonderful wife gets to baking and she is really good at it. I linger on the margins hoping for a discarded crust or a flawed item, a reject to be tossed my way. Since our kids are out of the house and the dog died, I’m first in line. Sweet.
Once I moved close to home and dear old Mom no longer went out to shop, she would call me around Christmas, and say, “How about going to the store and picking out a nice standing rib roast. They’re on sale.” And they would always be marked down around Thanksgiving and Christmas. I’d dutifully go and scan the meat display. I have no idea what a good rib roast looks like but I’d just say, “I’ll take that triple bypass one in the middle there.” Mom would pay for it, a decent chunk of grocery money, but always end up saying, “Oh, you take it home for your family.”
“Thanks, Mom.”
You’ve got family and church Christmas food stories. Share them.
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The postoperative Dave Miller told me to stick with the heavy stuff. Trust me, everything in this article is heavy.
No, that’s not wine in the picture. It’s grape juice.
I spent most of my childhood Christmases in south Texas, where we had turkey, mashed potatoes, giblet gravy, and tamales for the Big Meal. Only problem was that no one told me what a tamale was. Being a kid, I didn’t pay attention to others, and just tried to bite into it, husk and all. Dad had a strict no-put-backs rule as well as a no-complaining-about-the-food mandate, which meant I had to quietly choke down the whole blooming thing without making a fuss. In the midst of the chaos, no one paid attention to the youngest child stashed in the corner, gagging on a corn husk.
Skipped the tamales for years after that and never told anyone why.
… I can picture this… Hilarious!
The Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes are the same thing as their Zebra cakes, which are available year-round. There’s not much to them. Little Debbie also makes Christmas Tree brownies, the ones with the thick green icing. I’m more partial to them. This article has served Nabisco well, as I now feel driven to locate and purchase some white fudge Oreos. I’m already a big fan of lemon Oreos.
It’s the crunch sugar that draws people to the trees so I’ve heard. I’m partial to the soft little gingerbread men.
Taking a cheap shot at “industrial” Little Debbie Christmas Tree cakes is OK with me. However, I think “industrial” Little Debbie Swiss Cakes should be held in high esteem. I heard a rumor, not confirmed, that select Michelin 5 star restaurants in Switzerland actually serve Little Debbie Swiss cakes as an after dinner treat.
The Chateaux La Fronds charters a jet to bring their daily supply from Collegedale TN to Geneva each day. They recover this cost by charging 2000 Euros per cake which the customers are more than willing to pay. One customer even sold his Rolex President watch to raise cash to be able to afford a “few” Little Debbie Swiss cakes.
Fortunately, here in the states, we can get them at Walmart for $2.00.
BTW, I don’t have a Rolex President, so I am only guessing, but I think they run about $10,000 here in the USA.
The white chocolate Oreos are awesome! Do you realize though that it doesn’t take long to melt white chocolate and have the regular Oreos dipped/coated during the rest of the year? Not quite as convenient as just opening the pack. And having it always available might ruin the magic (in much the same way as it’s much more exciting to watch the Charlie Brown holiday specials on broadcast despite commercials than to watch it streaming.)
My favorite Christmas treats were always chocolate (pudding) meringue pie and orange cake.
And my granny used to make her own chocolate dipped peanuts that were so much better than the ones you can get at the store. I need to see if I can find her recipe somewhere.
I grew up in Upstate South Carolina and would go the same restaurant. One visit I asked the third or fourth time for more food. The waitress left and returned empty handed. I asked her where my food was and she said you can’t have any more. I said I thought this was an all you can eat place to which she responded, “ it is and the chef has said he you have eaten all you can eat”. That was over 35 years ago and we have not been back since.
As a child our church had a church wide Christmas party. All the kids got a bag of goodies consisting of an apple, orange, peanuts still in the shell, and rock hard Christmas candy. I cherished getting that every year. I hate oranges, allergic to peanuts, the only good apple is in a pie, the candy tasted like the paper bag but still… Great post William. I take one issue, Regular double stuff my man regular double stuff.
Ambrosia – every single Christmas since childhood – but add pecans for my family! I knew we had stuff in common! And it’s always better after ‘soaking’ in its own juices. Christmas cookies? The kids and hubby can have the ugly ones – and there are ALWAYS ugly ones – even if they aren’t ugly.
Kimberly, I’m contemplating doing my own white chocolate dipping with the double stuffed. Might be overkill but certainly would be good.
Roger, my cheap shot at the cheap (and industrial) Little Debbies was made after considerable personal research and sampling.
Suzanne, I don’t think I have my mother’s ambrosia recipe but I recall that it included pecans.
You bought a box of white fudge oreos for your grandchildren to give to you for your birthday? How creative. I’ll have to give that a try.
I’m an extremely clever fellow sometimes. Others would call it devious.