(We generally don’t publish anonymous articles, but this one seemed a reasonable exception)
There are two things I dread every Sunday.
First, I dread reading the tweets and Facebook posts of my pastor friends who are “stoked” and “pumped” as they anticipate gathering with the greatest people God ever saved to worship in the greatest churches God every established to hug and celebrate and rejoice and experience a little heaven on earth.
Second, I dread going to my church. That’s bad. I’m the pastor. As the week wears on and Sunday rolls around again, I get this nagging sense of dread in the pit of my stomach. It’s Friday and Sunday’s coming! Anxiety. Apprehension. Indigestion. Discouragement? Indubitably. Burnout? Possibly. Depression? I don’t know. Maybe. I don’t think so, not in the clinical sense at least, but I’m not sure. I just know that the thought of going to my church and performing my duties on Sunday gives me less than the surge of joy, hope, anticipation and excitement that those others feel.
Every week I preach the eternal word of God. I try to be faithful to my job, though recently it’s been a struggle and I’m guessing my performance has slipped a bit. No one except my wife knows how I feel and I don’t think my people have any idea that these emotions attach when I think about going to church. I’m not in trouble with my congregation. We are not a church in crisis.
Things are not horrible at the church. They aren’t great, but they aren’t awful either. I’m unhappy with some decisions the church has made and I am afraid we’ve missed some opportunities that are going to come back to haunt us in the future. There are some dynamics in the church that deeply trouble me and yet there are so many good things going on here. So why is my spirit so troubled?
I’m not in conflict with the people – not the vast majority anyway. There are a couple of sore spots, of course. I’ve had that at every church I’ve ever served, haven’t you? I’ve had unanimous votes when I was called but I’d have never gotten one three years later. I actually love and appreciate most of these people, get along with them, and work well with them. There are some great people here. But still, as Sunday approaches, dread fills my heart. I preach and pastor out of obligation and duty, not an overflow of joy.
I’m not sure where this stream of consciousness exercise is headed. Someone is going to tell me I’m depressed or burned out and I need to see a doctor. I’m functional, and not prone to self-harm. I do not think I’m in any danger of becoming one of those tragic stories. If things change for the worse I may see a doctor, but last I heard doctors can’t provide joy, can they? The thrill is gone. There’s just no joy in my ministry right now. I’m not sure if it’s about me, or this church, or something else. I don’t know. But my heart is running on fumes.
I wonder if it’s time to move on. How do I know that? God called me here and I’m willing to stay as long as he leaves me here. Was Jeremiah ever happy in his pit? Were Paul’s prison years fun and exciting? I was called to serve God not to seek happiness. I’ve known some really good times in ministry and I’ve been through a few times like this. Am I supposed to be “happy, happy, happy,” all the time? How do I know when it’s time to leave, when this ministry is finished and it’s time to seek another place of service? If the problem is within me, won’t I take the problem with me to a new ministry? Will things really improve just from a change of office chairs?
Is this agitation in my spirit God’s way of saying it’s time to move on? Is it the Spirit trying to call me to repent of something? I don’t think I’m in deep sin, unless it is a sin to not feel constant joy. Is it okay for a pastor to go to church week after week and be a faithful minister, even if he is not overwhelmed with joy and happiness at the prospect? Is this one of those dark nights that I have to go through waiting for joy to come in the morning? And can anyone tell me when the dawn is supposed to break? This has been one LONG night!
I doubt I’m the only one who feels this way. Depression and discouragement are real issues among a lot of preachers – we just can’t talk about it because we are too holy! Why do you think I’m writing this anonymously? If you happen to know me you would lose respect for me if I admitted that I had this spiritual struggle. I’m a pastor, a holy man, a man of God! I’m not allowed to have feet of clay. I must be faster than the speeding bullets of the enemy and be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (by faith, of course). I’m not allowed to have problems like mere mortals, right? Move along, folks. No weakness to see here!
I sometimes wonder if you guys who are always cheery, always pumped and stoked, always regaling the world with your triumphs and successes on Facebook, Twitter and blogs – do you really have it all together, or is that a cover-up? Are you hiding your pain and compensating for your insecurities with spiritual hype? Or are you really that chipper? Is everything that wonderful, or do you just need us to believe it’s that great? Are you hurting as bad as I am but covering it with more makeup than an aging socialite?
I’m tired of feeling this way, but I can’t seem to find the enthusiasm on-button. I need spiritual renewal – more time in God’s word and in prayer – a refreshing of my soul. I need some friends I can trust whom I can share this burden with, but I’ve been burned enough times to be very wary of touching that stove again!
But I feel like I’m stuck in the mud and spinning my tires – trying hard but going nowhere. Not sure how to get traction and get moving again. Not sure how to break out.
So, for right now I’m pushing through the pain. Step by step. Day by day. I’m going get up tomorrow and do my ministry with the strength God gives me, whether there’s any joy or not. Then I’m gonna do the same thing the next day and the next. I will keep doing this by faith and dependence, hoping that one of these days the dawn will come and the sun of joy will rise again.
In the meantime, it’s Monday and Sunday’s coming.
You are not alone. I would venture to say you are in the majority and not the minority. I am praying for you right now and lifting your arms as a sign of solidarity. Read psalm 46. God is over nature, nations, and nukes (wars) so, “Be still” and know he is there because he is God.
Please contact me at pastorbillm@sbcglobal.net. I want to privately speak with you about this issue.
Grace and peace
Bill
Romans 5:1
Hi friend, I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. Most of us have experienced it before and I’m glad you wrote your piece as a way of reaching out not only for yourself but for others. I have several thoughts for you and pray that one or more will be useful. They are only numbered to help me keep my thoughts ordered. First, know that I am praying for you as well as the hundreds who will read this today! Second, when I was in a similar situation and spoke to a friend about it, he pointed… Read more »
I feel for you, brother. I like to think that in my situation–at least my previous ones–such feelings were magnified or at least accelerated because I deliberately served dysfunctional churches. But the church I am now at, which is fairly healthy, is not not happy, happy, joy, joy all the time. And while that may or may not be a good thing (I’ll leave that for others to pontificate about), I think it is a human thing. Even in Christ, we cannot live lives of absolute and constant joy; there are seasons of that, yes, and seasons of discontent, and… Read more »
“I doubt I’m the only one who feels this way.” You’re not! “Depression and discouragement are real issues among a lot of preachers” Yes, they are – and with church members too. “Why do you think I’m writing this anonymously? If you happen to know me you would lose respect for me if I admitted that I had this spiritual struggle.” No. Most pastors would not and the ones that do – you probably don’t want thier respect anyway because they’re obviously not understanding what it means to be a pastor (or to walk in the Spirit) in the first… Read more »
*Surely
(I would not want to suggest that you find a pastor named Shirley – LOL)
Has someone watched Airplane! too many times?
I’d say Shirley might be just the right one.
Yep
A lot of people in the Bible struggled with some of these same feelings at one time or another. One of the most-praised virtues in the Bible is endurance.
There is a finish line, you know?
Double Yep
Heavenly Father, In the name of Jesus I pray for this brother and so many pastors who share his feelings of discouragement as they labor among your flock that you will fill them with a spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of Jesus. I pray that the eyes of their hearts might be enlightened so that they may know what is the hope of your calling, what is the glory of the riches of their inheritance in the saints and what is the surpassing greatness of your power to us who believe. I ask that they might… Read more »
Fellow Elder, Discouragement is normal…yet not lasting! God has separated you with a peace that is beyond understanding. So, rest in that peace, and know something really amazing. I had this similar discussion with a friend of mine from Texas just about a week ago. He was having the blahs. He is a committed man of God, but life was just dull, and I could hear it in his voice. He leads his family well, loves them, and really doesn’t want to have these feelings. He obviously knows Christ is King, and loves him dearly, …but still the blahs, and… Read more »
Take the lemons and make some lemonade. I do not say this lightly … after pastor 50+ pastoring and 8 Interims in retirement.
Most of the time church jumping does not change much. Folks love to say “prayer changes things!” I do not believe that. I believe that prayer changes people and people change things.
Troy
The author will not be able to interact here . Because he wishes to remain anonymous he cannot comment.
While a post such as this can be anonymous, there is personal information that attaches to comments and cannot be made private.
The author appreciates your words of encouragement.
Brother your shared vulnerability has stirred my preacher emotions. I too have felt the same things you have shared and felt drained. Take another risk and talk with someone. God has caring children in his family. You are not alone. There is a fellowship of love. We have not because we stop taking faith risks. I do not receive love very well because I do not like to ask for help. I pray that God will give you the courage to live out your weakness in order that He can give you grace upon grace through growing loving relationships in… Read more »
I have said these very words to people: “Not everything is bad in my church, but everything bad in my life is church related.” I think what the author needs is most importantly to know that he is not alone. Christians are masters of the facade. We MUST be happy, we MUST be content, we MUST be unwavering in our faith. Anything else represents failure (or so we think). To the author: Know we are praying for you. Beyond that take whatever suggestions you see here as well meaning but possibly not useful for you. I don’t know how to… Read more »
Brother in Christ, Thank you for your honesty. There are weeks that I feel similar to what you have expressed and I think that many other pastors do as well. As a group pastors generally do not share what is really going on inside them, we hold our cards tight to the chest. This means it is difficult for us to share our hearts with others without feeling guilty for not “having it all together”. I came to the pastoral work in midlife after a career and I can say that it has been the hardest work I have ever… Read more »
I believe that “Happy” is a highly over rated level of consistency for which we strive as the children of God. I think “faithful” is the level of of consistency for which the children of God must strive. For “happy” is temporal at best and “faithful” is eternal at the lest. I think that the children of God must seek above all else to be faithful and leave the consequences of being faithful in the hands of God. The first impressions of being faithful sometimes appear to be terrible. The entire world just witnessed what being faithful cost 21 Egyptian… Read more »
I’d add that the word “happy” has a particularly suspicious etymology in the sense it is based on a word “hap” that means “luck” or “lucky”. The whole concept of happiness being tied to the favor or lack of favor of the gods is both pagan in origin and an easy trap to fall into. Add to that what appears to be a natural inclination by human beings in sin towards superstition… Our faith is the precise opposite of all of that. And that implies that we can spend time reasoning from the Bible and from our own lives and… Read more »
I didn’t read all the comments, so this may have been revealed already, but regardless, how old are you?
I may have some really good news for you.
If you’d prefer, you can email that to me at mightyfowl@gmail.com
I am where you are except on the opposite side. I finished seminary five years ago and have worked the same secular job since 2002. I even had to relocate recently to another state and leave behind our church family and friends in order to stay employed because I have been unable to find any opportunities for full time vocational ministry. I know how you feel – except feeling that way towards a church, I feel that way towards my job every day when I go to work. I also wonder if moving was the right decision because we have… Read more »
I am sorry for having to ask, but why is “full-time” an issue?
Thanks
BM
Romans 5:1
I’m not a pastor and never walked in your shoes. I do have 2 very close friends that are and do so I do understand your desire to remain anonymous. As others have said, you are not alone and from my perspective as a church member, I don’t expect my pastor to be super human nor do I expect him to shoulder the burdens of the church by himself. I’m sure you have some elder, mature member that you can confide in but if you don’t believe you have that trusted confidant, you might consider talking with and ACBC counselor.
This reminds me of a long run. The most energetic part of a long run is the beginning. It doesn’t last long. If you aren’t careful you can expend too much energy early on and you won’t have the energy necessary to continue on. After that you get tired. Then you have most of the race still to run. You can go through periods where you get tired and you have to get enough slack back just enough to get the carbon waste out of your muscles and get some fresh oxygen to them. Back off too much and your… Read more »
Brother Anonymous, Various brethren in the comment stream have offered you great insight. I run across a lot of folks who have been where you are or living there now – I’ve experienced the same emotions in my journey of faith. As I look upon the condition of the American church, I’m surprised that more ministers are not reaching the same point of desperation in their souls. However, not knowing you or your situation beyond what you have written, there may be yet another consideration pertaining to the restlessness you are feeling. Perhaps the brook has dried up where you… Read more »
God bless you for having the guts to share this, anonymous or not, it doesn’t matter
You are not alone.
Do yourself a favor and take a vacation, at least two weeks. On the Sundays you are away from your church visit other churches. When you see how dry their pastor is, you will know you have a good thing going on at your church. If the church is more Spiritual than yours, then step up or step out. I have cancer, I am legally blind, and if I’m not careful I can fall and hurt myself quite easily. I’m no longer able to drive a car. My wife takes me everywhere. I just had a church dumped in my… Read more »
Jess, do you have a friend named Job? ;^)
Max,
I believe I know Job quite well. LOL
If the problem is depression, they make pills for that.
Jesse, what miserable comfort you give, and even worse counsel. I hope you are more understanding and compassionate with your 9 members.
Steve, I guess I’ve met too many preachers with money on their minds and no zeal to win lost souls. I have met too many preachers that are womanizers, and want a position of authority and could care less about a church. Yes, I care for my members but I certainly can’t say the same for all preachers. What I have said should be an encouragement to all. If I can do it the shape I’m in, anyone can. If I can stand before a congregation and read scripture with a large magnifying glass, and a patch over one eye,… Read more »
I’m sorry for what you are going through, Jess.
But I don’t know that I understand the impulse to kick a man when he is down.
Preachers are members also Jess. There are no class distinctions in the Kingdom.
Steve, Sometimes depression is caused by a chemical imbalance or shortage in the body. While I am hardly a fan of just medicating everything, it is rare that all the worship, counseling, or prayer will cure such an imbalance. There are and have always been times and situations when God works primarily through the medical arts. If I fell and broke my hip (or a leg or whatever), I would appreciate prayer, but call the ambulance first as I am a Baptist and not a “Christian Scientist.” Consequently I am going to the hospital and get treatment there. It is… Read more »
John, there is a tricky balance here. There is a real difference between simply being discouraged and being depressed, between a spiritual condition and a physical condition. The trouble is telling the difference. No one can bring a one-size-fits-all approach. Some will tell a depressed person that all he needs is to pray and God will heal him (though they would take someone with a broken leg to a doctor!). Others would give drugs to everyone who isn’t happy 24/7. Knowing when someone needs meds is tricky. I’ve been through several bouts of deep discouragement, perhaps even depression, but they… Read more »
That’s right, Dave Miller.
Medicating the brethren is not the one-size-fits-all answer –and neither is simply reading your Bible and praying and singing songs.
You’re right it’s very tricky – requires great discernment – and one thing that makes it even more tricky is that sometimes even the life experiences that you’re talking about require extensive counseling and sometimes medication – for example PTSD can lead to depression.
Well stated, Dave. We often look for a one-size-fits all approach. More often than is typically recognized, we need to exercise godly discernment on a case-by-case basis. This is one of those cases.
Jesus said… “Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” Now that is big boy pants!
This might be why the author is reluctant to go to others for help?
Dave, I am going to go out on a limb and say, yes.
Wow.
Dave Miller, Chris Johnson, First, I didn’t kick anyone when they are down. I gave sound advice. Second, Chris, read Timothy and Titus, and tell me there no differences, my friend there are specific scriptures for the qualifications of a pastor. You guys believe that God never gets through with a pastor, and he must stay at a specific church, and yet you all change churches. I haven’t figured that one out yet. I believe when you lose your burden for a church, God is telling you to move on. That is not kicking someone when they are down. The… Read more »
Jess, if you believe that their is another “class” of member in the Kingdom, then you are simply mistaken. Preachers, Pastors, Elders, all those that the Holy Spirit has gifted and remain qualified are servants to all the members, and members one of another. These servants, Preachers, Pastors, Elders must understand when to be gentle and when to be tough, that is part of how the Holy Spirit leads. The Apostles encouragement to Timothy is an excellent example of how to encourage. I also realize that this format is extremely abbreviated,…and if this gentlemen was nose to nose with you….the… Read more »
I read the first two and a half paragraphs and accused my husband of writing this post. I knew it wasn’t his writing style, but the content was a mirror of our lives.
All I can say is that these are some of the days for which we hide God’s word in our hearts, so we can trust what we know instead of what we feel. The joy of the Lord is our strength!
This is one of the best comments on this entire post!!
Sorry to hear you are struggling. I was in a really dark place in ministry a year & a half ago & felt exactly how you feel. Joy was gone & ministry was drudgery. Read a book called “Leading on Empty” by Will Cordero which helped tremendously. I also begged God to to restore the joy of my salvation & wrestled with Him till He began to bless me in my Spirit. I’ve often said ministry would be great if it wasn’t for the people. But the Lord is faithful & His mercy are in fact new every morning. I… Read more »
Great words, sir.
“Little things like today visiting a member in the hospital who’s been in a drug induced coma for 2 weeks, he was alert when I walked in. He’s on a ventilator so all he can do is squeeze my hand. Spontaneous tears rolled down his cheeks because he was so happy I came to pray with him. That’s the blessing of ministry, little ways God uses us.”
Yep, that about sums it all up. Thank you for making it so crystal clear, RG.
Let me say as a lay person:
Thank you to my pastor and all of the men of God who have devoted their lives to leading the flock.
May God bless you all even more.
mike
I will certainly pray for you, pastor anonymous. We have had our own trials fighting for joy the last several years as a seminary student, full-time worker with some life trials thrown in. I’d like to give leave a website where you may find some encouragement. It is poopedpastors.com which now is found at http://www.keylife.org/articles/topic/ministry/tag/pastors.
Thank you for your frankness and honesty I can’t even begin to imagine the challenges that you are facing. But if my friend described to me the feelings you were experiencing in addition to my prayers for him, I would suggest that he have a checkup with a specific blood test for testosterone and thyroid, in addition to the routine blood work. It actually gave me back a desire to live and reversed the depression I was having (plus other benefits ) when I started testosterone replacement therapy. Even men 30 years old can have a decrease in levels and… Read more »
Praying for you.
May the Lord be your strength…
May your friends be your encouragement…
May your enemies be silent…
May your heart find joy.
Most of us, I’ll bet you too anno, would welcome such a person as you into the office, have a seat–sit across from him (not behind a desk) and listen to these words intently, while listening with eyes and heart. That is, after we assure confidentiality and encourage trust. Very soon, we have determined what, if anything, we may have to offer the one in need. Within one session, I know where my role ends and another begins. So very often: –I, as others have done in this blog response, almost insist that, if they haven’t already, start with a… Read more »
Many people go through this. You may not see her as Christian but Mother Teresa went through what is called the dark night of the soul. She felt no love or joy from God, nor did she see any relief in sight. She carried on any way knowing God wills us to serve him. It doesn’t depend on our feelings, but doing his will in faith. Preach His word as best as you can and God will cause the increase. As Paul says, rejoice in your suffering. Easier said than done but Paul did it and so can you.
Your church needs to be in the communication loop, not out of it. Tell your brothers and sisters how you are feeling and where your heart is going. Silence is crippling. They need to know when you are up, and they need to know when you are down. The church is stronger than you think. They can lift you up when you need it too.
I’ve been a pastor for 15 years. I just came into the church office from a week long vacation and discouragement settled thick over me. I cried for a while, tried to pray. After 15 years I have been feeling very much like a failure here of late. Still wiping the tears I found this article and it’s comments. As I read I felt like I sat down with family – the kind you can be open and honest with and they’ll love you. I want all of you to know that I appreciate everything you have written – from… Read more »
Every one has their rounds with depression at one time or another or even frequently in some cases. The Puritans had literature devoted to dealing with such a problem. One of their works in my library bears the title, The Lifting Up For The Downcast. I remember reading it and finding help. There are others such as those on Providence. A few pieces of nurturing help, namely, life is like a sailing ship. It leans this way and then that. What one is shoot for is an even keel, and one has to realize that the ship will return to… Read more »