Considerable research has been done, insiders have talked to insiders, and a good many of the SBC oligarchs have been consulted and we can confidently report that these news items have been suppressed by our denominational news organ, Baptist Press.
Entire denomination stunned by latest comment by current SBC president Bart Barber. In a recent tweet President Barber said, “No comment” in answer to a question.
“Unprecedented” said one observer.
“Shocking,” said another, “It’s the end of a highly loquatious era. I don’t know if he can run for a second term after this.”
SWTBS announces the end of the Endowed Professorial Chair of Smoke and Mirrors. Seminary spokesman said that the position was filled by highly skilled and distinguished individuals in the past.
“Literally, nobody knew what was really going on here. It was quite an accomplishment,” said a seminary spokesperson.
Current seminary leadership is said to be considering replacing that chair with a Chair of Openness and Transparency, but there has been difficulty in finding a suitable person for that position.
Executive Committee VP Jonathan Howe announces his resignation and plans to move to Qatar. Howe said that soccer was vastly superior to ice hockey and that he needed to get to a place where there was literally no cold weather, no ice, and where the closest thing to a hockey puck is a camel patty.
“He goes with our warmest blessing and goodwill,” said EC Interim President Willie McLaurin.
Conservative Baptist Network adopts new policy of having all pronouncements signed by individual authors.
“We think this new policy will give us a better image in the denomination,” said spokesperson Edward Teach.
Thus far, BP reports, the new policy has revealed some new CBN spokespeople including web designers based in the Indian subcontinent, a woman who appears to be one of the cleaning staff, and a seminary intern.
High level CBN spokesperson who wishes to remain anonymous said, “You don’t expect any of us to actually put our names to this stuff, do you?”
New motion for an amendment to the SBC constitution would ban the commonly used phrase, “God’s Man” from any and all official statements and documents.
“We collectively repent for all of the incompetence and poor leadership shown in the past by those whom trustees and search committees have declared to be “God’s man.”
Seminary president announces preferred pronouns.
“Lord,” “M’Lord,” and “His Royal Highness” are all acceptable, said a seminary spokesman.
Hacker and Plodder Blogger William Thornton declares a ‘Mental Health Day’ for the entire SBC.
“”Now that The Babylon Bee is back,” Thornton said, “we should all take advantage of it and lighten up a bit. The entire convention will benefit, pastors will be happier, church members will be able to see their pastor actually smile and act like he enjoys his ministry.”
“It’s a no-brainer,” he said, “and the SBC is filled with no-brainers.”
Have a nice Thanksgiving.