I stood outside our state office and chatted with him – nothing serious, just lighthearted banter. It never occurred to me when we parted that it was the last time I would ever see him. A while later, for reasons that still baffle us, this pastor-friend of mine, who never seemed to be bothered by much of anything, decided to end his life instead of letting one of us help him.
If he’d called me, I’d have gotten in the car and driven the 3 hours to help him. I would not have needed to, because there were a half-dozen pastors within an hour’s drive who’d have been there with bells on to talk to him. But he never asked. He never divulged his pain or admitted his feelings.
And now he’s gone.
That is a story that is repeated too often. But the story goes far beyond the tragedy of those few men who end their ministry through suicide. Many labor week to week in silent pain, burdened by the weight of their ministry, crushed by unrealistic expectations and failed hopes, trying to duct tape a difficult marriage together, drowning in a Marianas Trench of debt, or withering under the constant fire of criticism. I don’t want to play the “my job is harder than your job” game. Every job has its challenges and I will not argue that the pastoral role is the hardest. But it is hard. It wears on you.
And I know a lot of hurting pastors. I know pastors who have been fired from their jobs for the weakest of reasons. That leaves a deep wound. I know pastors who struggle with depression – lots of them. You wouldn’t believe how many. Actually, those who struggle with the black dog (a term from Winston Churchill I learned from Marty Duren) stand in the lineage of some great men. Luther. Spurgeon. Some of the great names of church history heard the howling of the black dog.
Oh, and Dave Miller. Not often, but it’s happened. I’m not talking about the Monday morning blues. I’m talking about the times when the black dog is howling so loudly you can’t hear logic, you can’t sleep, you can’t feel love, you can’t enjoy life.
I’ve never been at that point where I became suicidal or completely non-functional. I’ve never needed treatment or medication, but I’ve come close a couple of times. I remember, a little more than 25 years ago, driving down a highway in Virginia thinking that all I had to do was steer my car into the median and the struggle would be over. I never seriously considered doing it, but it was a passing thought. I did read the Richmond paper trying to find something else to do if I threw off this preaching gig.
I was blessed about three years ago that I have a great group of deacons. I met with them and told them I was toast – mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I was done. They told me to go away and come back in a few weeks. That three week vacation – for the most part by myself, my wife was working and couldn’t go with me – served as a reboot for me.
But I know that sense of despair, that desire to run away and hide, those days when the sun is shining brightly everywhere but my soul. And I’m telling you, you always-chipper, got-it-all-together guys, there are a lot of us out here. Some of it may have to do with our personalities, some with the churches we serve, some with circumstances, and some with spiritual responses. But if you get preachers talking beyond the braggadocio, beyond the hype, the ego-boost and competition, you will find that there are a lot of men out there who are “dying in a heap.”
My heart goes out to men like that. I want to help them. When I got word that my friend had ended his life, I felt two things. I felt a horrendous sense of failure. Why hadn’t I noticed that something was wrong? Why hadn’t I been a better friend? That is normal, but also silly. People who were much closer to him than I never noticed anything. But I felt something else. I felt an anger that men in ministry had to feel their pain in silence and in solitary shame. Why can we not share one another’s burdens? Why do men suffering in ministry never feel free to share their pain? I determined I wanted to be a helper to hurting pastors. If we cannot bear one another’s burdens how do we expect to be able to build fellowship in our churches?
But, frankly, we are pretty bad at it.
Why We Often Don’t Don’t Help Hurting Pastors
- We are so busy in our own lives we don’t really have time for one another.
- There are a lot of Lone Rangers in the ministry, and very few Tontos. We tend to go it alone, even when we are hurting deeply.
- Hurting pastors often face condemnation. “A pastor shouldn’t feel that way.” Read some of the comments in the “Anonymous” post from Friday. People can skip over empathy and straight to judgment. We try to be the Holy Spirit instead of helping the hurting pastor find the healing power of the Spirit.
Through the years, I stopped sharing my heart and baring my soul within the church. When I was a young whippersnapper, I was much more open about my faults and failings, and much more specific. But I found that people would use my “vulnerability” as a weapon against me. So, over time I became much less specific. I talk about my sinfulness and spiritual struggles, but I seldom give any details. But it would seem that within a fellowship of fellow-pastors one ought to be able to be both vulnerable and safe. Unfortunately, that is often not true.
- Hurting pastors often receive trite advice.
It’s true when I am sick. If I admit that I’ve got a cold or a sore throat, every person in the church who believes in some kind of weird cure comes to me. “You need to use essential oils.” “Try echinacea.” “Probiotics will change your life.” Everyone thinks they’ve got a cure. It’s the same when a pastor is hurting. “Here’s a simple biblical principle that will change everything, pastor!” Depression and discouragement are seldom so simple that they can be fixed with cliches, a simple verse or two, or a formulaic approach.
How Can We Help?
Having just said that there are often not easy solutions, now let me attempt to suggest some solutions.
1. Be like Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar.
It is sad that our study of Job is often limited to the dramatic story in chapters 1 and 2, and the epilogue in chapter 42. The real story is the interaction between Job and his three friends. These men came to Job when he was in his pain and they did the most amazing things – they did everything you should do in helping a hurting friend!
- They went to him and they grieved with him.
They showed empathy for Job. “I am sorry that you are hurting.” Job 2:12 says that they went to him and wept and tore their robes. Please hear this, my faithful fellows in Christ’s service. Our duty to hurting pastors is not to FIX them but to let them know we FEEL for them. We bear their burdens. We are one body and when one part hurts, we all all hurt.
- They sat with him.
“We are here for you, our friend.” One of the biggest problems in ministry is loneliness. Isolation. I’m on an island, all by myself. No one understands. No one cares. But we need to communicate this message to our fellow-pastors. “I’m here for you, brother.” I’m going nowhere.
- They stayed with him.
They didn’t just drop by and say, “How’s it going?” then move on. They stayed there, sitting in silence, surrounding their shattered friend, for seven days, for 168 hours. They came and they stayed. We need to be there for one another, but we also need to STAY there for one another, even when it’s hard, when the response isn’t great, when the hurting pastor doesn’t seem to be helped. Stick it out. Don’t give up.
- They didn’t speak.
They didn’t give Job wise snippets of their theological wisdom. They didn’t offer cliches or sermons or quick fixes. They didn’t even speak. It is your presence that communicates best to a hurting person, even a hurting pastor.
2. Don’t be like Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar.
Job’s friends were destined to go down in history as three of the greatest men who ever lived, right up until that tragic moment when they opened their mouths. I’ve cringed through the years at some of the things that Christian people have said as “words of comfort” at funerals. Why do we feel we have to say something? That’s usually when we mess things up.
God is a great healer. He can lift up the fallen, set his feet on solid rock, and reestablish his life on the path God has for him. God does that. He has sent the Spirit to live in us as the Comforter, to help us, to heal us, to renew us. We are God’s EMTs. He sends us to the hurting to keep them breathing, to staunch the bleeding, to pick up the pieces. The body of Christ is the hospital in which the healing of God takes place.
In other words, our duty is to be there as agents of love while God’s Spirit effects the healing.
There are two primary messages that a hurting person needs from you.
- God loves you and hasn’t abandoned you. Keep hoping in him.
You don’t have to explain everything. Please. Pretty please. With sugar on it! Please don’t think you understand everything or can explain all of God’s dealings. That’s how Job’s friends got in trouble. They had simple formulas as to how God worked and they tried to cram Job’s complicated life into their simple formulas.
All they needed to do was remind him that God still loved him and was at work in his life. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said some variation of this message to a hurting person. “I don’t understand why God is doing what he is doing. But I know that God loves you and you can trust him. He is at work to glorify himself and to bring spiritual good in your life. You can trust him even when you can’t see what he’s doing or understand why.”
- I care about you and I’m going to be here for you.
This needs to be communicated both by words and by actions. Time and again. Relentlessly. Love. Love. More love. Unwanted love. Unreturned love. Annoying love. Persistent love. Make sure this hurting man knows – I’m here for you and I’m going nowhere.
3. There is a Holy Spirit. You AREN’T Him!
I already mentioned this, but I want to highlight it here. Someone has said that the two most important lessons in life are, “There is a God. You aren’t him.” I’d say the same thing when you are dealing with a hurting person – especially a hurting pastor.
You are not the Holy Spirit. It’s not your job to fix the man. It’s not your job to correct every wrong idea he has. It’s not your job to convict him of sin. It’s not your job to correct his theology or explain the world to him. You do not know his motives or the inner workings of his heart.
It’s your job to help him stay in touch with the God who can fix him, convict him of sin, correct his thinking, and help him understand life. Don’t try to be God, just be a bridge to God. When you try to be God, you will likely do what Job’s friends did to Job – they drove him to anger, even to blasphemy. In their attempts to be his Holy Spirit, they actually drove him the other way.
4. Rebuke is an outgrowth of relationship.
I feel very free to give rebuke and correction to my kids, even now that they are all grown up. I try to hold back a little more now, but I still tell them exactly what I think.
But if I tried that same thing with a stranger, it might not be as effective. Biblical rebuke and correction is a product of and an outgrowth of authority and relationship. I might say something to a very close ministry friend that I might not say to someone else.
There are a couple of questions that should be asked before we start passing out our rebuke and correction.
- Do I have spiritual authority or responsibility in this situation?
- Do I have a close relationship with this person?
If these are not in effect, then we must tread lightly. There are times when a rebuke might be appropriate, authority and relationship are always key factors.
5. Practical Words.
Let me finish this with some simple, practical words.
- Don’t pretend you are a doctor.
I’ve been depressed, but I was able to work my way out of it with spiritual disciplines, physical rest, and time. Others need the help of doctors. I don’t really know the fine line. But there is such a thing as mental illness – physical and chemical dysfunction in the brain – that needs to be treated like you would a sinus infection or a broken leg. Don’t neglect the help of doctors.
- Never ignore a self-destructive comment.
Most self-destructive or suicidal comments are not serious, but none should be ignored. If a man talks about killing himself, or ending it all, or something like that – your situation just went nuclear. Do not play games. Get that man to a doctor! Talk to his wife. Make sure someone knows that he is talking scary.
- Lone Ranger time is over.
We need each other. If you are not in a ministerial fellowship of some sort, get in one. Locally. Perhaps something online (harder, but possible). In Paul’s ministry, he always took people with him. Jesus, except when he was with the Father, always had disciples around him.
As I look back on my ministry, I think this is one of my biggest failings. I’ve done much of my ministry well (I’ve biffed a few things!) but I’ve done way too much on my own. I should have taken someone with me. I should have mentored more. Shared more. Opened up more – not to everyone but to a small group of men I trusted.
- Consider the ER
When someone has a bad accident, the ER simply tries to keep them alive and fix the major wounds. As those begin to heal, they work on the smaller stuff, on rehab, on retraining for life. When someone is in full depression it is not the time to unload your theological wisdom on them. Help them through the crisis. Maybe later, as they are in the healing process, you can discuss some of those things.
- Give God time.
God is not a microwave. He takes his time to do his work. He gave Abraham an absurd promise (your barren 65-year-old wife will have a baby) then waited 25 years. He’s not in a hurry. Give God time to work. Just keep being faithful. Pray. Serve. Love. Be a friend. Watch God work over time.
Well, that’s a lot to digest for now. What say you?
6. Don’t ever, EVER be like Ellihu! 🙂 good post bro.
Don’t ever be like Elihu? You are joking right?
He was the only one with decent theology!
Surely, Chad, you jest!
John
Yep.
http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/job-rebuked-in-suffering
I may be taking David Miller’s line, here, but Elihu was that rarest of creatures, a young whippersnapper with decent theology.
Elihu’s role is a little tougher to discern. I tend to agree tgat he was the dispenser of truth. But not significant here.
Excellent post Dave! Unlike the Anonymous post where the Pastor stated….”Please understand, I’m not in depression or despair right now. I don’t need intervention! I have a good marriage and my family is wonderful. I’m not in trouble at my church to the best of my knowledge. In fact, I think there would be general weeping and gnashing of teeth if I announced my resignation. I’m not living in disqualifying sin. I’m the husband of one wife and I’m trying to be a faithful pastor to my church.” There is no doubt men (an women) that have real depression and… Read more »
I don’t guess I’ll ever understand your harsh and prosecutorial tone toward that post. I still don’t think you are reading it correctly and certainly not with any grace or brotherly love.
To paraphrase Inigo Montoya, “I do not think that post means what you think it means.”
So, what should the response be?
I’m just not seeing Chris’s comments as being “prosecutorial” or mean-spirited.
Dave, Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, but I’ve been in meetings today for 10 hours straight. A pretty tiring day. I am beginning to understand better the reasoning for these posts and I am sympathetic to those endeavors,…. yet I still do not see the scriptures giving us (Pastors) options to view the church (of which we (Pastors) are only a (one) gifted person (maturing churches have more than one Pastor, so gifted to serve) among the entire group of individually gifted members. The appeal that the Apostle Paul puts forward to those at Philippi was to… Read more »
Well, not to beat a dead horse, but I think you are creating a problem out of something in your own mind, not out of the article. The point of the original article was to encourage us to endure even when ministry isn’t fun, when it is hard. You’ve created something completely foreign – I frankly don’t even understand what you are reading into that article. If I understand you at all, you would have to classify Jeremiah, in chapters 11-20, as ungodly. He obeyed God but was not happy about his sufferings. Obviously, he was not a “pastor” but… Read more »
Dave, I would classify Jeremiah as one that God exalts. Even if we speak of him as the “weeping”, or “whining” prophet. It is not those things that are exalted. The more appropriate thing is to ‘Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfil the law of Christ.’ (Galatians 6:2), whether it is a Pastor, or any other member in the congregation.
You’re missing the entire point of this post. This post was a response to the harsh comments being directed at the Anonymous Pastor in his post.
Right. But I didn’t see Chris’ post in the other thread as being harsh or mean or prosecutorial.
Further – as has been pointed out in this thread already – The only of Job’s friends who gave solid advice gave him a rebuke.
Not entirely, David, though the response there provoked this. I’ve encountered several discouraged, depressed, hurting pastors recently and it is a constant struggle for me. So, it was a broader focus, but the harsh tone of some got my juices flowing to write.
The black dog lives with me. However, I have found in the Words of Life…well…life! My dad used to tell me that his counselor was the Lord. His words ring true more today than ever before.
You’ve touched on a subject that rings true for so many. Your words of encouragement will help many–including me. Thanks, Dave!
If we stop the bluster and listen to one another discouragement is epidemic and depression widespread.
sabbatical
Most churches won’t give those
But it is possible. We have such a provision in our personnel manual at our church.
It’s my wild conjecture, but a pastor with a good record of service to a church for some years (5 would be a minimum, I’d say) where he is respected and valued (which was conveyed by the anonymous pastor in the previous post) might find the church to be receptive to a sabbatical.
Of course you are right in general, no sabbaticals except permanent ones for which many churches show a decided preference.
I agree with William’s post. I think in general when a pastor stays long enough to build a report with his people, his people are inclined to help him and grant him a sabbatical. In my opinion, there is something terribly wrong with a church if they have a pastor with decent tenure that they don’t love.
I think it’s a great idea.
Some pastors may not want to take extended time away because of insecurity. They don’t want to risk the church realizing they CAN get along without him.
Also, most churches are pretty fragile (at least the ones I know of personally). The wolves would likely rush in as the pastor steps out.
Many pastors are simply hanging on by a thread. A thread does not provide much of a life line.
Unfortunately, you are right in many cases…but I’m optimistic that there are reasonably healthy churches that value their pastor and reasonably secure, though unhappy, pastors who still see clearly enough not to think every bad thought that might be thought about a month, two, or three away from the pulpit.
Gracious words for those who are in the mix. Praying for the Lord to give me courage and wisdom to put into practice the wisdom that you have shared. As well praying the Lord will sustain me and brother like myself by His Grace to Fight the Good Fight for the sake of the Gospel and Glory of our great God.
Wonderful comments, Dave. Most of us, at one time or another, have struggled with the black dog. And I have found that the more unhealthy the church, the closer and more threatening he becomes. I served four such churches, and my ministry deliberately became one to unhealthy, dysfunctional churches. It took its toll on me, my wife, and my family. My son saw too much of such churches, and while he has become a moral and ethical man of faith, he does not attend church. My wife was committed twice, once voluntarily, once involuntarily; and while her family of origin… Read more »
The brag session thing needs to stop. We pastors tend to be insecure often and so we do that, but it is a knife in the heart to those hurting pastors. Once in Virginia, I had a little fun. We had a monthly Monday AM Association pastors meeting. We’d meet in the sanctuary then have lunch. Every church had one of those old statistics report boards. Attendance. Offerings. Etc. We’d all look and compare our numbers to theirs. Before people came I switched our numbers around. 109 became 901, etc. At the e nd, as we were walking out, I… Read more »
lol…We still meet on the first Monday of each month with a meeting in the sanctuary followed by lunch. Some things never change.
They’ve long forgotten me. You can try my trick next time things are at Drakes.
Not in Southside
I think all thongs need to stop.
Nerd.
Fortunately, I have the power of editing, so now no one has any idea what you are talking about.
Except, of course, for those of us who read these comments via email.
I deny the validity of your reality.
Dave, your comments are SPOT ON…. As one who has suffered in this way more than once I have a couple of observations that may help resolve this problem. – In SBC life I believe the DOM can have a great impact on how pastors in that Association look on pastors who are struggling or get ‘fired.’ If the DOM is jugdmental towards churches that do not grow or side with the long-time members vs. the struggling pastor, or if that wold seem to pastors what he would do then pastors feel terribly isolated becasue other Assoc pastors will be… Read more »
What’s a DOM? Sorry, iowa and new work state joke.
Dave
Did you say,”what’s a sorry DOM”?
Alan Training?? I have been a Network Director (DOM/Assoc. Ms.) for 22 years, must have missed that meeting. Went to an orientation and to a meeting or two to get updates on new materials, programs, initiatives etc. from LifeWay and NAMB, but “training”..I’ll look through my files and see if my invitation was misplaced. You have made a valid point in the kind of DOM’s you described. While I think good training for DOM’s should exist, I am not sure that the DOM you described who decides to come down on the side of the long time controlling members can… Read more »
Pastors and lay leaders often suffer along because we are the spiritual ones; the ones that are supposed to be perfect and have it all together. I for one want to be the type of leader that the pastor or pastor’s wife can confide in it they need a safe space. I pray for my pastoral staff and their familes regularly so that the “black dog” does not get to them.
The churches that actually pray for their pastors are the ones who treat them well. The churches that don’t pray for their pastors aren’t really churches. My heart is for the men in the pulpit that my church might be alive and effective in building the Kingdom of God. I know that there are some things that pastors can’t say that I can, so I stick up for them when I can. I know that they might not feel the ability to trust me enough to confide, so I offer encouragement to them, am available if they need a friend… Read more »
Good thoughts.
This is the right spirit! Thanks for praying for those men.
Dave, Wonderful article. I cannot offer any advice to anyone who is going through such an ordeal, because I never learned to conquer the dark times myself. I did have an ace in the hole. I had a job to fall back on. Being a Bi-Vocational pastor. I have been blessed to not need a salary from the church. When things got too rough I was able to say bye. I do know now that I have finally retired from pastoring, I feel like a new man. I am getting my energy back, I feel better physically and mentally, stress… Read more »
Don’t forget this resource. 1-844-Pastor1 The pastor support line promoted by NAMB. Blessings.
Thank you Dave for this piece. My son-in-law is an SBC bi-vocational pastor and currently going through a tough time in his ministry. He is also being squeezed in his secular job and his wife (my daughter) is having health problems. When we visit them, I can see the stress on his countenance. Relating your experience and counsel has helped me see ways I can support him through this time.