In my post yesterday, I mentioned a time when I walked through the valley of deepest darkness during my pastorate in Virginia. The black dog was howling so loud I couldn’t hear the still small voice of God. I told you how I was able to work through that in the power of God and his word. There was a significant factor I didn’t mention.
His name was Lee.
Lee was a family counselor at a local medical clinic. A doctor, one of the deacons at my church, had decided to open a rural Christian medical clinic and he brought Lee on to provide counseling to those in need. Lee also pastored a church in Farmville.
His most significant ministry in the late 1980s (from my very selfish perspective) was to walk beside me as I wandered in the wilderness. We would have lunch together and talk about life. I’d share my frustrations and he gave me gentle advice. He’s the closest thing to a mentor I ever had. We’d listen to cassette tapes by great theologians with another friend (an Episcopalian charismatic Calvinist lawyer with degrees from both Harvard and Yale). We’d listen, then stop the tape and discuss.
When I thought my life was falling apart, Lee was God’s duct tape. He was there. He didn’t judge me but he didn’t ignore my stupidity either. He told me what I needed to hear not what I wanted to hear. Honestly, I am not sure where I’d be today without the ministry that Lee had in my life. I don’t really want to imagine.
Then, God called me to foreign mission work in Iowa nearly 25 years ago. We said our goodbyes and wished each other well. I moved on. Life got more hectic and .generally happier. Year after year went by and I didn’t talk to Lee. We didn’t email. I doubt Lee has a Facebook page, but if he does we never friended each other. This man was a rock, a servant of God, someone who helped me through a dark time and I just moved on. We may have seen each other a time or two when I went back for visits. I preached a revival back in Drakes Branch in the 90s and I think we might have shared a meal then. But we gradually lost touch with each other.
I really suck.
That’s not a word I generally use. I went with “stink” in the title. But it is the proper word. I suck. I have many great friends whom I seldom remember to call, or text, or even message on Facebook. I get busy with life and I just forget. If you call me, I’m thrilled to talk to you. I really am. But I’m busy and stressed and I almost never get around to being the one who makes the call.
On Monday, Lee called me. He had a question, but that was secondary to the fun we had catching up. We chatted for a long time. Rehashed old times. Caught up on family events. We fell right back into talking about our lives. Amazing, after 25 years we picked up where we left off. Oddly, he recommended a book to me that fit right into our discussion about unhappy pastors and helping the hurting, even though he didn’t even know I was a blogger. I purchased the book and I will read it soon.
It was great to renew that bond.
But tonight, I’m wondering why I let so much time go by. Why didn’t I call Lee occasionally? Exchange an email now and again? Send a Christmas card? I don’t know why. Why don’t I take the time to keep up with my friends, to tell people what they meant to me? There’s only one conclusion. I suck.
It’s all moot now. I won’t be catching up with Lee anymore. A few minutes ago (Tuesday evening), barely 24 hours after I hung up the phone with him after 25 years of idiotic silence, Lee died suddenly. He’s gone. Honestly, I don’t know if I feel worse or better because we talked yesterday. I’m thrilled that we had an hour to renew our friendship the day before God took him home. But the irony reminds me of how close I came to losing a friend I hadn’t spoken to in more than two decades.
How many friends do I have like that? Family. People I love. People who have loved me and ministered to me, who have meant something to me.
A couple of weeks ago I got to spend 5 days in Santa Fe with some good friends from long ago, guys I went to high school with back in Taiwan at Morrison Academy. It had been a long time since I’d seen most of them, but renewing old ties just reminded me how important friendships are (even if they did keep reminding me what a brat I was in high school). Friends matter and I can’t keep treating them as I often have!
I have a list of things to do a mile long. When you have an earned doctorate in procrastination, your to-do list can become prodigious. But I need to do so much better at the friendship thing. There are some things you can procrastinate. People are not one of them.
I’ve noticed something recently. I used to do funerals for people 20, 30, 40 years old than I. But now it’s becoming more normal for me to realize that I went to high school the same time as the deceased. Time is passing by. If I keep on procrastinating, I’m going to keep feeling guilty every time I get the message that another Lee has gone to see the Savior.
It’s got to stop, Dave.
Don’t be an idiot. You are never too busy to contact a friend or to make those who have built into your life realize you appreciate what they’ve done.
I’m sorry, Lee.
This was a sock in the gut.
Lee was a good man. I did not know him as well as other pastors of DBBC, but we have talked on several occasions. I have referred people to him for counseling. Several people have told me about his impact in their lives. Lee and I met for lunch a while back and he gave me a book. I haven’t read it yet, but I will soon. Lee will certainly be missed.
“God’s duct tape”– what a wonderful phrase and picture!
Thank you for noticing. Sometimes, when I’m writing, an idea pops in. I really liked that one when I was writing it, and I’m glad someone noticed!!
Don’t sweat it, Dave.
First, you’ll have to introduce us all to him when we all get to heaven. That may be a couple more decades, but that’s nothing compared to the opportunity we’ll have there to connect.
Second, not all of us are cut out to be the get-in-touch types. I for one despise talking on the phone. There’s nothing wrong about talking on the phone, I just don’t do well unless I’m present with the person I’m talking to. I sometimes get, “Why did you come here to take care of it? You could have just called.”
Also, we each have things in front of us that need our attention rather than always being concerned about what’s going on elsewhere. Some of the problem we have in the world is that we are too concerned with “elsewhere” (I say as I type a blog comment to people I’ve never met).
Jim,
Your comments seem to indicate that you’ve never had a true friend. If your dislike of talking on a phone is more important than a true friend, then I would say you have never had one.
We don’t have to always be concerned with others “elsewhere,” but I think it’s good to check on them from time to time if they are indeed a true friend.
I’m not saying you don’t have a true friend, I just said your comments seem to indicate that. I do understand part of what you are saying, but excuses never accomplish anything.
Jess,
Actually, it has more to do with being a natural introvert. I’ve worked hard to overcome many introverted tendencies and have gotten better at “working a room,” for example. The phone is a big stronghold of introversion for me. It’s a source of intense irritation. My blood pressure increases, I pace the floor, I even write out what I need to say ahead of time if I have to make a phone call. That’s why I’d rather go visit a friend face-to-face than talk to them on the phone.
Jim,
I apologize, I didn’t know. There is always facebook.
No need to apologize, Jess. Introversion isn’t really a disorder. Every personality type has strengths and weaknesses.
To the contrary of Jess’ statements, introverts tend to have fewer friends, but sometimes better.
An extrovert like me may have 100 shallow friends.
An introvert may have 2 or 3 deep friends.
Personally, I sometimes envy the introverts.
Jim, I understand what you are saying. Somebody can be a “true friend” even if he doesn’t have the personality or inclination to call people and make small talk.
If I were in Dave’s shoes, I would probably feel guilty, too. It’s natural to feel that way after a friend dies, especially if we haven’t done a good job keeping in touch. I know this is a weakness in my own life. I need to do a better job of being proactive as a friend. Then again, there’s a temptation to kick ourselves unnecessarily. People move away and lose contact sometimes. It doesn’t mean the friendship wasn’t real or that we are bad people.
Having passed the half-century mark some time back, I have a number of good friends that I rarely see and do not contace on any sort of regular basis. Each time our paths do cross, we take up as if no time has passed at all. I despise the phone also….
That’s the odd thing – the pick up like no time passed thing.
I did a wedding in Cedar Rapids this summer and stayed with a close friend. We always joke about what horrible friends we are to one another.
But when we get together, there is almost no sense of time passed. It’s like we saw each other yesterday.
Dave,
In the past couple of years I have been in contact with many of my old friends. I’m sorry to say some had already passed on before I had a chance to contact them.
A few of my friends are very important people according to world standards, and a few of my friends are only important to God, their family and me. I love them all equally.
If I’m to busy to contact them, then, I’m much too busy. I make time every night to send out a few messages on facebook. This has helped me tremendously.
I have a lot of people who dump on Facebook. But this is one of the reasons I love Facebook. I can keep up with old friends without a huge time investment. As someone who has lived in Florida, Taiwan, Iowa, Virginia, Texas, served 4 churches, attended 3 schools after high school, I have a wide divergence of friends. It’s hard to keep up with everyone. But on Facebook, I can make contact and keep minimally connected. If something happens, I can connect more meaningfully.
Diss Facebook all you want. I find it helpful for that.
I’m with you on that. Facebook is a tool that can be used to good effect or for evil purposes. I personally have had a lot of good contact on Facebook with long-lost acquaintances and distant kin. Also, it helps to know areas where I can minister to people locally.
Many people from my church are on FB and when something happens, we get to rally for someone who needs it on days there are no church functions where we will all be together to hear the news. It has also improved our contact (and improved our corporate relationships) with sister churches allowing us to allay suspicions between churches by individual members conveying endearing tidings in a casual yet public setting. The benefits are huge if you take steps to keep from abusing it. Interestingly,
I got on FB when it was young (in Internet years) to share certain resources with our mission friends. Still using it for that today.
Evil purpose…like when people support the New England Patriots.
Could be worse – like when people support the New York Yankees.
Dave, I’m just glad the Lord let you two talk before he was called home.
yep
Now that post was.. it is far, it is deep, it is gone!
Sorry that your friend was taken from you but glad that you did touch base again before the Lord took him home.