…so how’s that working out for the few, the called, the already beleaguered pastors?
Getting married? Chances are it won’t be in a church is a splendid article in the Wichita Eagle by Katherine Burgess. Bobby Ross, Jr. the excellent Get Religion writer (who really ‘gets’ Southern Baptists) calls it a “fascinating trend piece.”
It likely does not surprise many of us that most weddings are sans-church facility these days. There are three wedding venues near me. One is a rustic barn facility and the other two are renovated and expanded old houses. There is, I hear, big money in these venues and in weddings generally. Funny, there was never big money on my end of a wedding.
The money quote in Burgess’ article is this:
Increasingly, weddings are defined by the couple’s personality, [wedding event businesswoman] Moore said. Brides want the ceremony to be in a beautiful location, whereas some more modern churches have plainer aesthetics, she said.
Yeah. I get it. This is the age of weddings being a self-expression of the couple, mostly the bride, I’d guess. Thus, weddings in barns, farms, and pastures; on beaches, in the mountains, at museums, gardens, wineries; rodeos, ballgames, roller skating rinks. The possibilities are endless.
Interestingly, one of the couples interviewed in the article has a wedding scheduled in Augusta, GA at a barn-type venue. The groom is Catholic. There is a great de-sanctified Catholic Church in Augusta, Sacred Heart. I’ve done a wedding there (family friend, not a church member). It’s not an active church but the building housed the old Catholic church. Do the ceremony and then open the dance floor and start sloshing out the alcohol. Perfect.
So, exactly how to pastors think about handling this trend of boutique, unique weddings where the Reverend is considered something slightly more than a potted plant but infinitely less than the self-actualized and celebrated bride?
I turned down a lot of weddings. Our church was an attractive building and we would often get inquiries about renting it (“and we would like to use the minister also”). When I asked the church to price the use of the building in line with nearby venues, the inquiries ended with the fee schedule.
In retirement, I doubt I will do any weddings except for close family. I’ve already turned down a couple. I’d rather do a dozen funerals than one wedding. There are too many landmines. An active pastor is almost certainly expected to handle weddings within the membership on some basis. A few suggestions:
- Have a thorough discussion of your personal wedding policy with the search committee and be sure to cover it if there is a Q & A with the church before they vote on the call. Anything that lowers the surprises by the new pastor for the congregation is always best.
- Be sure you explain your policy on whom you will or will not marry – divorce, interfaith, etc.
- Educate the church that you consider a wedding to be a religious ceremony and service and that certain things (music types, etc.) are inappropriate.
- Reflect on whether or not you really want to stand on a cow pattie and read Scripture or preside over some goofy sand mixing ceremony or other made-up symbol of unity or read some syrupy, idiotic, self-written, so-called wedding vows. You get the idea. Better to say, “I use this ceremony and these vows. We only will have appropriate church music during the ceremony,” etc.
Here’s how the wedding industry, and likely most couples, are thinking:
“I think couples are realizing that especially within the Christian denominations they can get married and their pastor can come to them at a different location,” said Ashley Moore, founder of Events and Design by Ashley. “We don’t honestly do church weddings much anymore.”
Well, tier pastor can come…but need not, and in some cases, ought not. There are plenty of people other than the pastor who can do wedding ceremonies. Frankly, it degrades the pastor to be inserted into an opera buffa and end up on youtube.
God bless you in your work. It’s tough sometimes.
__________
Addendum: You know that there are more folks cremated than embalmed these days. Funeral directors I work with say they do almost half with cremation. Some clever person could conflate these two trends (more cremations and less church weddings) and come up with something like, “Unfortunately, the bride spontaneously combusted at the wedding in the pasture. Fortunately, the quick-thinking minister did a funeral service instead of a wedding service after a container was found for the ashes. It all worked out quite well and there was considerable savings in funeral expenses with which the groom, once it was determined that the bride’s ‘I do’ came before her death, assuaged his sorrow and loss.”
I am with you Bro! Weddings at church the way weddings are done these days are far from a blessed event. Even church members I have married typically did not have their reception at the church so they could go to an alcohol-friendly venue. Many times it seemed like the wedding ceremony was something they had to do to get to their awesome wedding party. So even with church members, the experience was usually not a very spiritual one for me….I have rarely felt like a pastor officiating a wedding. But officiating a funeral has always been a spiritual experience… Read more »
William, this is helpful. I don’t do many weddings anymore, but I always emphasized to the couple that their wedding would be a religious ceremony. I insisted that it be a solemn occasion. For example, I told them that I would not permit a photographer to move around during the ceremony. Why did I say that? Early in my ministry one photographer came up behind me during the exchange of rings. He held his camera beside my ear, while photographing the hands of the bride and groom. Of course, I sometimes got some push back on this policy, but I… Read more »
Why do I get the feeling that you wouldn’t have been too keen on my having the Star Trek The Next Generation theme as the walk out music at my wedding? 😀 That aside: pastoring in a rural community, I still get a lot of requests. I developed a policy that one of the bride/groom must be active in the church I pastor… And I wrestle back and forth with that: am I missing gospel opportunities or being wise in the direction of our culture. Of rental: we were legally advised that we should not price our facilities near fair… Read more »
“This is the age of weddings being a self-expression of the couple, mostly the bride, I’d guess.”
In other words, it’s not the biblical expression of who God is. The venue doesn’t matter. The church building isn’t the church, so I’m not about requiring anyone to have their weeding there. On the other hand, why not? Why go to a different venue? If it’s a matter of style. then that’s a bad reason. If you are looking to accommodate a larger congregation, then wonderful! The more, the merrier.
My experience and observation is that the venue matters. Family, wedding party, vendors will all act differently in a church sanctuary. Certainly, if the pastor doesn’t care what is said or done in his church building, the rest will not either. I don’t know an SBC pastor who required weddings to be in his church facility. I did not but was careful to explain and insist that the wedding ceremony was a religious ceremony regardless of the site. It pays, I think, to take some time in the search process to talk to the church and committee about one’s personal… Read more »
I agree, and it’s always good to be clear. I’m not a pastor, but if I were, I would have a clear policy on weddings and teach (often) the importance of the marriage covenant with respect to the church covenant, not only in marriages but also for the wedding. It’s not an ordinance, but the wedding and subsequent marriage have parallels to baptism and the subsequent Christian life. The local body needs to be involved in holding each married couple to their covenantal vows. It’s not about the bride and groom as much as it is an expression of the… Read more »
I agree with you completely. Which is probably why I’ll never marry, or if I do it’ll be later in life. Many ex-girlfriends have told me their dreams for weddings and how kitschy they desire it to be. From planting a new tree from soil from both families homes, to mixing sand and colored marbles somehow representing our different backgrounds coming together as one, or my personal favorite that I’ve heard of…wait for it…the mothers exchanging the kids baby teeth. Kid you not folks, saw it happened, was a groomsman in the wedding. I nearly gagged. Could have used a… Read more »
“Reflect on whether or not you really want to stand on a cow pattie and read Scripture or preside over some goofy sand mixing ceremony or other made-up symbol of unity or read some syrupy, idiotic, self-written, so-called wedding vows.”
Spoken like a true retired pastor!
David R. Brumbelow
Wow. Guess I will present he opposing side. I am all for the importance of marriage and of the importance of communicating the act of marriage as a covenant between God and the bride and groom. I lay that down during pre-marital counseling and wedding planning. The Gospel is front and center in every wedding I do. I often share my bare bones ceremony with a couple when I first meet with them so they can know what they are getting into with me. And I have had couples say, we would prefer someone else as a result. However, where… Read more »
Some pastors and churches specify if they have anything to do with it – the wedding and reception, regardless of the location, must not have alcohol.
Alcohol and other drugs have destroyed countless marriages. It is one of the worst ways to begin a marriage.
David R. Brumbelow
I have never really enjoyed performing wedding, except for my daughters’ and a few close church members’. Having said that, I believe so much in the institution of marriage that I will go to great lengths to help people get married. This past Friday night I performed a wedding for a young lady that I have known since she was a little girl, it was one of those outside of a barn type weddings. I prefer weddings outside of the church facilities, because then you don’t have to worry about making sure the church gets adequately cleaned, and whether or… Read more »
I had forgotten about the cleaning, very practical point as anyone who has served an average sized church would know. The pastor may be called to preach but sometimes ends up feeling like he is called to manage a building.
Good point.
I have two weddings this month.
Neither is at the church.
I only have a couple of non-negotiables. One is that if I do a wedding, there will be vows. If a couple writes their own (in 35 years I have never had a couple choose to do this) they must be VOWS, not expressions of love. “I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you,” is an expression of emotion. A vow binds two people together before God “for better or worse, till death do us part.” I will negotiate the wording, not the concept. I don’t care where they do the wedding (within reason)… Read more »
So, what “vows” are we meaning by this? The repeat after me “I, Sven, take you Svennetta”? I guess I’m asking, b/c in the weddings I do where there are no self-written vows, I do those as the only “vows”. And in the weddings I do where there are self-written, we do the self-written earlier and the repeat after me toward the end.
There’s always some “vowing”, I guess, that way.
“I plight thee my troth”
Let’s get up to speed here…
So… Had to Google that.
I plighted my troth, and it is my suspicion that I’m not nearly as old as William. It was weird (to me) then, but is now a pleasant memory.
No, I don’t care about the wording, but the concept.
Vows are promises – commitments binding one another together before God till death do us part.
It’s not, “I love you with all my heart” (a feeling).
It’s, “I will never leave you or forsake you no matter how I feel (a commitment).
I am of the age that the children of my friends and the friends of my children are leaping into the matrimonial waters at an increasing pace. So, I have been a guest at quite a few weddings over the last couple of years. I would guess that half have been at a church and half at a venue. Almost all have been great Christian celebrations of love and marriage. The venue seemed to have little impact on the sacredness of the wedding. The most overwhelming reason that the parents have shared with me for the decision to go to… Read more »
I get it. My day is past.
Can’t quite grasp the thought of a dj in fellowship hall…but then, we practically have that for worship in many churches these days.