Many thanks to Elizabeth Warren for the recent attention drawn to DNA testing. While I have no interest in the political debate over all that, my interest in genealogy led me to explore this some years ago.
If Senator Warren is between 1/64 and 1/1024 Native American good for her. That’s anywhere from a third great-grandparent to an eighth great-grandparent. I have old photographs of relatives whose appearance (very dark hair, high cheekbones) made family highly suspect Native American blood. Sorry, though, DNA says no. So, no special treatment for my crowd at Harvard or anywhere else.
But DNA says I’m around 4% Neanderthal. Are there no affirmative action programs or preferential admits for that? Discrimination!
When I got the report about Neanderthal DNA, a close (very close) family member said, “You might want to be retested. It’s got to be more than that.” Yeah. Thanks.
Well, the Neanderthal ancestry does explain the unusually thick skin on the back of my knuckles. I’ve long been said to be thick-headed, too. Now I know why. I’m blaming DNA and claiming victim status for that.
DNA testing is sophisticated enough to offer all kinds of information. I’m informed that I am predisposed to weigh less. I weigh more than I ever had but think if what I might weigh if I had different genes? I am less likely to sleep less deeply…bingo on that one. I am likely to consume more caffeine. Nope. And have an above average ability to smell asparagus. I may offer my services, for a fee, to those who are stalking wild asparagus. What good is quirky DNA if you can’t cash in on it?
DNA don’t lie brethren. Mine says I have an unusually high intolerance of chewing sounds. Yea and amen. I can’t stand someone smacking their chops at the table. My DNA will be my defense if I lose control, fly into a hot rage, and assault a gum-popper. Miscreant.
But the record shows I’m 99.6% European, mostly British. A splash of Scandinavian, Denmark, probably Viking raiders (I have gone beserk a time or two) and and also a pinch of Finnish. The latter explains why I have always loved the music of Jean Sibelius.
I could offer a tiny fraction of a percent as sub-Saharan African, and Asian, and west African, and Arabian. I’m like the guy who pulls out a wallet filled with credit cards. Whatever card works, I’ve got it. I come from a long line of people, no question about it.
My preference, though, is to claim descendancy from a crooked farmer named Adam and a drunken sailor named Noah (did you read my piece on plagiarism? I’m hereby officially crediting Adrian for that pithy statement) and my direct line goes straight to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. You can’t get blood any more royal than that.
And don’t forget that 100 percent of us share a couple of things in common: None of us chooses our ancestors. All of us have either chosen Christ or not.
Get checked brethren. Let me know what you find.
Brilliant and at the end very beautiful! This piece provided me with a good laugh this morning too. Thank you.
Thanks for the 1/3 bit of humor Bill and the 1/3 satire, 1/3 history, and the 1/3 (Neanderthal math) meanderings.
Like Scott–an appreciated morning laugh.
Now we know you are pulling our leg because Neanderthals are clearly fictional.
Wait till they come up with a test for Australopithecus.
This was great.
William, have you done research into the DNA testing kits? I know there are a few out there, but if I’m going to pay $100 dollars to spit on a swab, I want to get the best one possible!
Plenty of sites compare the big providers: ancestry, 23&me…I think NationalGeographic does one. 23&me seems to be very popular. Who knows? You may be an asparagus sniffer like me.
Some time back I read a book which claims that all people with European ancestry have Neanderthal DNA. The book went on to point out that the only people on the planet with 100 Homo Sapiens DNA are Africans. After reading the book I found it interesting that the White Supremacist deride those with African heritage or mixed blood given that they are the ones with “mixed” DNA as opposed to those with African heritage they denigrate.
It seems most Baptists have at least a bit of Neanderthal in them. Some, quite a bit.
Great post!
Btw, my great, great grandmother was part Cherokee. So I have more proof, and closer proof, than the honorable Senator.
It would be interesting to see some of our leading Baptist thinkers address the issue of truth telling in the context of racial heritage and the racial spoils system. This issue is a significant one morally and ethically.
I suspect at the moment they are all tied up with the monumental significance of “horse face” taunts and such.
Keep up the good writing.
The whole idea of mail-order DNA testing reminds me of an episode of Sanford and Son. Mail in some info about yourself, a photo and $$ And they’ll send you a copy of your “official family crest”. Turned out they only had 3 or 4 symbols and a handful of color combinations and slapped together something for the customer. I always wonder if the DNA results are like that.
You guys are getting all serious on me… just don’t chew with your mouth full… that’s a real trigger for me.
I am part Native American. My maternal g-grandmother was 100% Cherokee. Another lineage is a ggg grandmother who was taken off of the Trail of Tears by her future husband (did you know churches would go out and meet the and give them food as they walked to OK?). Another was Miami – I think? Anyway, my parents were listed w the BIA, they did not register my sister nor myself. I found out that I could go to college for free because of my ancestry but my parents had to register me first Bottomline, my father said “boy, you… Read more »