I read a post the other day differentiating trolling and taking a prophetic stand.
- Trolling is when someone takes a strong stand with which I disagree.
- When I agree, that person is taking a prophetic stand.
I am taking a prophetic stand against a great evil I’ve seen on several of my friends’ Twitter and Facebook posts. On lists of great Christmas movies, they include action classics like Die Hard and Lethal Weapon on the list. People, this evil must be banished from the land. We must agree with one mind that such movies – while interesting, exciting, and funny – are NOT Christmas movies.
There will be no argument on this people. I have spoken, and after all, I am the president of the Pastors’ Conference.
Just because a movie is set at Christmas does not make it a Christmas movie. A Christmas movie is about Christmas, not just a movie that takes place in December with holly and twinkling lights in the background.
- If Jimmy Stewart is not in the movie and there are no attempts to finagle a Red Ryder BB gun, it is not a Christmas movie.
- Hallmark holiday movies are sappy, sentimental, poorly-acted, weakly written – in short, if Trump truly does make America great again, he will enact legislation against them. But they are Christmas movies. They are about people finding their way home at Christmas, rebuilding their families, and no terrorists blow up the Nakatomi Plaza.
- George C. Scott is the only Scrooge anyone should ever watch, with the possible exception of Bill Murray. But if a movie has machine guns creating ghosts but no Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Yet to Come, it is not a Christmas movie.
- Christmas movies have miracles take place on 34th Street, they do not have columns of cops and military vehicles streaming down the road.
- Christmas movies have Santa and the Elves, not Hans Gruber and his band of merry men.
- The f-words in Christmas movies are festive, fun, family, Frosty, and such words. To elaborate is unnecessary.
- In general, Christmas movies should not take place in Los Angeles, but in rustic country villages where snow (real snow, not cocaine) falls.
- Christmas movies end with resolution, not with bodies falling while firing guns.
It pains me to have to say all of this. Actually Die Hard is better than 99% of Christmas movies. But it is not a Christmas movie. I’m sure that having read my irreproachable wisdom here, you Cretans will all agree with me and stop with the “Die Hard is my favorite Christmas movie” nonsense.