I didn’t tell my wife about the problems in my first senior pastorate. I wanted to protect her from worry.
I was deceived into the position. I was mistreated and deceived throughout my pastorate. I was scared, hurt, and angry. I didn’t want her scared, hurt, or angry too, so I buried it. That was the advice I had heard in ministry: protect your wife by not taking your problems home. I thought I could outwork the problems. When I couldn’t hide the problems anymore and told her everything that I had faced for three years, she struggled to trust me. She wondered what else I had hidden from her.
When I tell that to other pastors, they usually say, “Oh, I couldn’t tell my wife everything. That wouldn’t be good for her, and she’s okay with me keeping ministry things from her.” I thought it was just that my marriage was different, but I’m convinced that my marriage is not different. I’m convinced that no pastor should hide things from his wife even though it is normal. I’ve shared this story recently at pastor meetings and everyone has objections about how important it is to protect the family. Everyone has an excuse for why hiding is right.
That is why I’m not surprised that so many pastors and their families are in trouble. Many pastor’s wives looked worn out and disinterested. Paul David Tripp describes the many pastors facing just these issues in his book Dangerous Calling.
When I told my wife that hiding problems from your family was the normal advice in ministry, she didn’t believe me. “People actually said to hide problems?” I told her about a minister in our first church who shared a critical letter sent to him by a church member. He asked us at a staff meeting to not tell his wife. I told her what other pastors said to my story.
In my current ministry, I don’t fit the stereotype of a typical small-town baptist pastor. I have spiked hair and tattoos. My friend, Kevin, told me early in my ministry here, “Don’t hide. Be you. If you pretend and have secrets, then you get used to hiding and having secrets. That is dangerous.” I think Kevin’s advice applies to trying to protect your family by keeping secrets. I always wondered how a spouse could be blind to the fact that their husband or wife is having an affair, is a serial killer, is hiding gambling losses, etc. and then says, “I had no idea.” I’ve started to wonder if it starts with getting used to secrets.
In Leo Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina, there is a scene where Anna hasn’t been unfaithful yet. When she returns from a ball and a man has pursued and flirted with her all night, she doesn’t tell her husband, Alexi. He realizes that she has a secret that she isn’t sharing. That scares Alexi, and he protects himself by ignoring everything from then on. The destruction of their marriage starts when they both accept the secrets.
How do you involve your wife without gossiping or giving her more than she can handle? I asked my wife how to handle a letter like the one I described earlier. She said, “You should trust your wife to handle it and give her the chance to grow with you. You also can give her the gist of a situation and then tell her she has the right to see and hear everything. Let her decide what is the right amount for her.”
Don’t listen to the normal advice. Trust your wife. Don’t get used to secrets. Repent and ask her forgiveness. Be one flesh.
