(Chris Roberts has a brilliant suggestion for the current conflict in the SBC. Let’s turn it into a game – a competition. Then, there can be a clear winner and loser! My blood is already pumping faster at the prospect. Chris blogs at “Seek the Holy.”)
History has seen fit to bless humanity with two significant individuals carrying the name Calvin. One, John Calvin, was a theologian of some repute. The other, simply known as Calvin, was an imaginative, well-behaved (by relative standards of behavior) six-year-old boy. Because the SBC is currently involved in a controversy over the first Calvin, a controversy which often leads us to act like the second Calvin, I thought we might do well to follow the example of Calvin the Lesser (in terms of age and physical stature) while we wrestle with Calvin the Greater.
Calvin the Lesser instituted that respectable sport known as Calvinball. One of the notable characteristics of Calvinball is the fluidity of its rules. I want to propose that we use Calvinball as a means of bringing an end to the debate. In this post, I want to offer some possible rules for the contest, though in the spirit of Calvinball these are flexible: participants are welcome to change the rules in their favor at any point.
The Goal:
To see whose church has the most points at the end of a one-year period.
Scoring:
Professions of faith: 1000 points
New members: 750 points
Increase in giving: 500 points
Professions of faith or new members who are still faithful six months later: 3000 bonus points
Stealing members from a congregation competing in Calvinball: 500 points
Members becoming full-time missionaries: 500 points
Members who leave to become pastors: 400 points
Members going on short-term mission trips: 200 points
Members sharing the gospel with their next door neighbors: 750 points
Members writing books about evangelism: 25 points (per page)
Members able to read a seminary-level systematic theology – and understand it: 2000 points
Penalties: (to keep things fair)
Members writing blogs about anything: -10 points (per word)
Members who leave your church to join competing churches: -200 points
Members who leave your church to become pastors of competing churches: -1000 points
Stealing members from non-participating congregations: -7000 points
Holding services in a bar: -666 points
Holding services in a KFC: -666 points
Receiving funds from Muslims: -75 points
Using a Joel Osteen smile in order to make people like you: -300 points
Using a Joel Osteen smile to make people like you – and they still don’t like you: -500 points
At the end of the one-year period, add up all the scores of all the churches participating on either side and divide by seven (the perfect number). The team with the highest score wins.
So what do you think? Should we kick this off at the 2012 convention? What other rules would help guide this great contest?