(Chris Roberts has a brilliant suggestion for the current conflict in the SBC. Let’s turn it into a game – a competition. Then, there can be a clear winner and loser! My blood is already pumping faster at the prospect. Chris blogs at “Seek the Holy.”)
History has seen fit to bless humanity with two significant individuals carrying the name Calvin. One, John Calvin, was a theologian of some repute. The other, simply known as Calvin, was an imaginative, well-behaved (by relative standards of behavior) six-year-old boy. Because the SBC is currently involved in a controversy over the first Calvin, a controversy which often leads us to act like the second Calvin, I thought we might do well to follow the example of Calvin the Lesser (in terms of age and physical stature) while we wrestle with Calvin the Greater.
Calvin the Lesser instituted that respectable sport known as Calvinball. One of the notable characteristics of Calvinball is the fluidity of its rules. I want to propose that we use Calvinball as a means of bringing an end to the debate. In this post, I want to offer some possible rules for the contest, though in the spirit of Calvinball these are flexible: participants are welcome to change the rules in their favor at any point.
The Goal:
To see whose church has the most points at the end of a one-year period.
Scoring:
Professions of faith: 1000 points
New members: 750 points
Increase in giving: 500 points
Professions of faith or new members who are still faithful six months later: 3000 bonus points
Stealing members from a congregation competing in Calvinball: 500 points
Members becoming full-time missionaries: 500 points
Members who leave to become pastors: 400 points
Members going on short-term mission trips: 200 points
Members sharing the gospel with their next door neighbors: 750 points
Members writing books about evangelism: 25 points (per page)
Members able to read a seminary-level systematic theology – and understand it: 2000 points
Penalties: (to keep things fair)
Members writing blogs about anything: -10 points (per word)
Members who leave your church to join competing churches: -200 points
Members who leave your church to become pastors of competing churches: -1000 points
Stealing members from non-participating congregations: -7000 points
Holding services in a bar: -666 points
Holding services in a KFC: -666 points
Receiving funds from Muslims: -75 points
Using a Joel Osteen smile in order to make people like you: -300 points
Using a Joel Osteen smile to make people like you – and they still don’t like you: -500 points
At the end of the one-year period, add up all the scores of all the churches participating on either side and divide by seven (the perfect number). The team with the highest score wins.
So what do you think? Should we kick this off at the 2012 convention? What other rules would help guide this great contest?
Why did everything Calvin the Lesser propose seem so Hobbesian??
Or, for that matter, have you ever met a tiger that is such an upstanding, self-controlled citizen? By comparison, Tigger is definitely a proponent of free will.
Chris, I enjoy humor. You’ve done a nice job poking fun at our denominational controversy. In fact, this light-hearted piece provides a nice balance to the very serious resolution offered last week. It takes talent to look at the same issue with refreshingly different tones. Unfortunately, it is the major premise of both pieces that I frankly must challenge. If the idea is, “Hey, everybody, let’s stop making this an issue and just get along without any more discussion of our differences,” then I must respectfully suggest that such an attitude is a bit naive. If these differences were minor… Read more »
Rick,
You raise some points worth considering, but I’m reluctant to respond on a comment thread meant to be humorous. Perhaps put some of these thoughts in a separate post?
Rick,
How can I find the resolutions sent in to the committee?
David,
I’m not sure you can access a file containing all the resolutions that have been proposed either this year or through the years. But here is a link to an archive of resolutions that were actually adopted:
http://bit.ly/ISA5Uz
“Holding services in a bar: -666 points” can’t think of a better place to go to witness to people . . . they are usually there ‘drowning their sorrows’ . . . or seeking relief from the pressures of their existence . . . is a bar a ‘proper’ place ? would Christ go and sit in a bar and talk to people and be with them? I don’t know . . . but I ask this, because it is not a ‘safe comfort zone’ is it? And a witnessing Christian may seem ‘out of place’ in a bar to… Read more »
Witnessing to people at a bar and having a Church service in a bar are two different things……
From my understanding, Church service is meant to equip Christians to go and be Christ’s witnesses in the bar, at the pool, or wherever…
Christine,
I was hoping that pairing this with “holding services in a KFC” and giving them -666 points would show that these were meant to be amusing, not serious commentary on the merit or demerit of holding services at such locations.
sorry Chris,
just ‘thinking out loud’ over a third cup of coffee 🙂
SBC Voices needs a “like” button. It’s great to be able to laugh about stuff.
I think Chris is on to something here. We could construct “Bloggerball” and give points for certain things. Using the word kerfuffle would be high in value. Commenting more than 12 times in one day would probably cost you points. Someone would have to track points, but it is doable.
Dave, I challenge you to a game of Bloggerball. This brouhaha will end in a kerfuffle ending victory.
Are we doing lunch today? We can work out some rules.
I think so. Our illustrious leader is in Des Moines, so you can pick the place and make the call. I’ll be there to help set ground rules.
A-Muse means
to Not Think…
which is the purpose of this post, it seems.
to blow off that which some deem worth thinking about.
to not think with any depth on subject matter that matters to many.
to make light of what may be heavy-handedness…
to reduce the importance of that which some find less than amusing
…to chuckle about which is not amusing in the least, but serious stuff to most folks in the SBC…and then?
to ridicule those who find it UN-amusing.
I find it ironic that you would say this is a subject which has not had deep thinking. I have seen you criticize every post that makes light of this issue, even though many, many, many posts have engaged it in a very deep and thoughtful manner. If you want to engage in those debates, by all means engage them. You commentary on the light hearted however mainly falls on deaf ears. To make light of a difficult situation allows one to see it from a different angle, to alleviate anxiety, to take a relaxing situation. The ability for us… Read more »
Well, gee, Dan, I guess I won’t be able to count of your vote for the Ms. Congeniality award this year, huh? 🙂
Maybe, we will see. 😉
As an avid Calvin and Hobbes fan and as an avid reader of SBC Voices, I fully support this post. Kudos for Chris for penning it and kudos to Dave for green-lighting it.
Part of the inspiration for this post was Christian comedian Brad Stine who once said that men would have no trouble giving birth to children, we’d just make a sport out of it. If it’s difficult and painful, turn it into a sport!
Well, I like to outflank Calvin One as well as Calvin and Hobbes. Most of our SBC today seems to incline to Hobbes, quite riven with much unbelief. Afraid of the Bible. Imagine that! Personally, I prefer the concepts preceding Calvin One. Of course, back then you could be burnt at stake for opposing the status quo in theology. Quite illuminating and providing real insight for thought in the brief time before expiration. Life’s little ironies!
Thank you for the laughs.