The venerable “Billy Graham rule” has served many ministers well over the years. The rule is a simple concept: not being alone with another woman not one’s wife. I suppose there are variations and exceptions but those who follow it do not arrange private luncheons with another woman and some go to the extent of not ever being alone with another woman. The latter is impractical, perhaps impossible to follow for some single staff churches with a secretary. The pastor may well be in the building alone if he maintains any office hours at all.
I’m curious if the rule which is in its seventh decade now, is still applicable, useful and practical. The changes since the 1940s are considerable: females in the workplace, including church staffs; the manner business is conducted; the ubiquitous use of social media for relationships and contacts.
While I haven’t seen hard data on it, my speculation is that more clergy are caught by pornography, sexting and other inappropriate social media contact. I can name several forced resignations and terminations locally from such sins. No furtive assignations where adultery is involved, just emotional and mental adultery. If a pastor’s resignation or firing is described as being because of “an inappropriate but not physical relationship with a woman not his wife” is this the code phrase for exchanging texts or email with photographs and/or lascivious talk?
So, wouldn’t the new Billy Graham rule, the one that would work for the 21st century connected minister this: “My phone, computer, and other devices are available to any deacon (elder) or staff member for examination at any time”?
Perhaps overlaying the “new” rule on the old one would be a shield against emotional and physical adultery?
I’m curious.
There is an entire book written about such rules. It’s called Galatians. Just kidding. Sort of. From a practical standpoint, especially for someone in the public eye, a highly protective rule might make sense. Not because of the rule’s ability to keep you pure, but because of the hostility toward some in leadership and the targets they become. I could not have practiced law for over 30 years in today’s world with such a rule. But I still hear people quoting it (they don’t mention Graham usually) as if it’s scripture. That’s the attitude we need to get away from.… Read more »
I agree that transparency in digital communications like you’re describing here would be a welcome & important accountability step for pastors, even if it involved some inconveniences. When I arrived at our current church, I offered my email password to our elders so they could check at any time. I’m not aware than any actually have – and now with two step verification on many accounts it’s not as easy as sharing a password in many cases. But I’ve seen Christians, including pastors, run into trouble with online communications and in most cases the presumed privacy of the exchange is… Read more »
As a woman and a parishioner who was a young single church going woman in the 70’s, a married young woman in the 80’s and 90’s, I was always offended by that rule, as if all women were out to have an affair. That is how we were treated, or it seemed that way. I had both male and female friends at work and of course while affairs happened, it was not the norm. I certainly adored my husband and would never even entertain the thought of an affair, I was just a friendly person and my husband rightly trusted… Read more »
BTW: I think it would fall under the heading of “Man looks on the outside but God looks on the heart.” Christ said that the law says thou shalt not commit adultery, but that thinking about a man or woman in that way is the same as committing the act. So it’s not the outer that should be examined but the inner, and only we and God can know this and change it.
Please don’t take it so personally. It’s not an existential issue as much as it’s an epistemological one. The issue isn’t a matter of self-control except to observe that people, including ministers, struggle with sin and need help resisting temptation. But the issue with regard to their ministry is how everyone knows that the minister is being faithful. Half of the ministry is leading by example and it’s the open testimony of a minister’s life that lends weight to his counsel, teaching and admonition. A minister can’t do that unless it’s apparent that he has sought to be held accountable… Read more »
It’s also to prevent even the appearance of inappropriate behavior. People love to gossip and jump to conclusions about the motives of others, and pastors are a favorite target.
Jennifer, good observation. Thanks.
The rule would be just as true for women. If I found that my wife was dining alone with a man, I’d be less than thrilled. However, since we are talking about ministry here, the focus is on the biblical concept of men being careful in avoiding the appearance of evil.
Well, had almost completed a post of several paragraphs before my PC “happened”. Here’s a little of what I was thinking: Important stuff-electronic device accountability has its place in today’s world, for pastors, and spouses in general. I think it’s important to consider that a pastor will have communications that are private, and should legitimately remain that way. Also, church communications are more the church’s business than family communications. That is the pastor’s wife’s business. Perhaps pastors could consider accountability partners, and find a different means of communicating those things that are to remain private. Also, I don’t like the… Read more »
We have Covenant Eyes installed on all our family’s devices. It has different setting options for content and sends an update email on a weekly basis. It also allows you to view anything viewed by providing all the websites and content viewed or downloaded. It is well worth the money. You can choose who has access to your browsing history and receives the weekly update. It does not offer a phone or email list showing who you speak to privately, but than can been probably set-up through your carrier. I think if a church wanted, they could ask members to… Read more »
Debbie, I am glad to hear you express your feelings on this. I note the statements from others about email communications. But keep in mind that fashioning a “rule” in that area (such as, your wife must have access) is also hopeless. My business, law, does not allow me to give access to my email others. I suspect HIPPA compliance would affect doctors and other healthcare professionals. Ministers should maintain the confidences that people share with them. Ministers’ wives knowing everything is a bad idea. Say a person confesses are murder to a minister. In the past, the minister was… Read more »
I think there is a lot of truth to what Louise says. The fact is that a person could put in place lots of “accountability”, but if they wanted to hide some communication or a relationship, they could still find a way to do it. …while at the same time ministers need to protect themselves from obvious situations that could lead to either temptation, or suspicion. Here’s a few thoughts: -I, as a youth pastor, am never alone with a teenage girl…I won’t take them home, I won’t meet with them alone to discuss their feelings (my wife is better… Read more »
Andrew,
I think it’s great that you are careful, and you should be. Some of these things sound like good practical applications.
Where we get into trouble is taking what you have done and suggesting it is mandatory and that everyone, regardless of context should do it.
I also think it is good that you visit elderly women. If you were to announce that you don’t and it’s because of your concern for purity, that would create more issues than if you continued to visit (imo).
Amen
As a newcomer to my city in 1975, I was 24, single, and visiting the church where I now have been a member for 40-plus years. Sunday after Sunday, I kept checking a box on the visitor’s card that said I would like someone to contact me to tell me about the church. The phone number I gave was the SBC entity where I had just begun a new job. I was seriously considering membership in the church I was visiting but had questions before I joined. I waited weeks but never heard from anyone. I finally called and requested… Read more »
Mary Ann, that is really sad to hear. We are by no means perfect at follow up in my church, but we do call on elder and deacon wives along with some non officer wives to follow up on females. Sometimes it’s a single woman and often it’s a married woman visiting without her husband. On another note, our elders make home visits throughout the year for our members and regular attenders. Each elder has what we call a “fold” or shepherding fold made up of the families in the church. We require elders to absolutely take their wives if… Read more »